Hi, Northofme. I'm a new member here also but I just wanted to extend my condolences for your losses. It's very hard to loose family members that close together like that. So I'm sorry you had to go thru so much

I understand how you feel about wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. I struggle with that also. Sometimes, it seems so hard to want to continue on in this life but that's the depression talking. It's good at lieing to us and distorting our way of thinking.

May I ask. Are you in therapy? If not I would suggest finding a good one. Maybe your GP can recommend one to you. If you can't afford a therapist then maybe contacting your local churches for a counselor to speak to. They may not be able to dispense medications but at least you'd have an outlet. Someone to listen to you and give you positive feedback.

Secondly, consider a change in medication. If what you're currently taking ain't helping you cope with your depression then it maybe it's time to talk to your doctor about it.

Do you have a friend or family member that you can totally trust with how you feel and what you're going thru? Maybe it's time to open up and let them in on what's going on with you. I know it's a huge risk on your part because we never know how people will respond to certain topics but you might also be pleasantly surprised too. Recently, I opened up to someone about my childhood abuses, my depression and how I felt my life didn't mean much and instead of the huge rejection I expected I was shown love and compassion and understanding. You don't know how good that felt.

Just don't give up. Keep trying. Keep talking and asking questions and above all remember that you're not alone. Anyone who suffers from depression understands what you're going thru. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

LesMiserables: Thank you for the reply back. Your positive attitude towards me was wonderful. I wish I did have someone to talk to, but I do not. A counsellor is an option, but how do you talk to a stranger? Typing is so much easier for me to express my feeling as to having someone stare at me.

Reading about what you have endured in your life and how you have started to talk to someone makes me want to try. Was this person through a church or a counsellor?

I realize it is going to take baby steps to get me up again as it will for everyone.
Thank you again for your support.

(((Northofme)))

I understand your reluctance in wanting to talk to someone face to face. For me there was a sense of vulnerability in having to open up to a stranger. I feared rejection and judgement from this person but any counselor who is worth their salt won't make you feel that way. If they do, then it's time for a new therapist. It requires taking a great risk but once you find someone who feels compassion for you and understands you it's like a breath of fresh air.

As you say it will take baby step. The first step is finding a good therapist. Once you do, you go at your own pace and talk about what you're ready to talk about. If you feel rush to disclosed just inform the therapist you're not ready to talk about that yet. I remember the first time I went into therapy(my current counselor ain't my first)my therapist joked it was like pulling teeth to get me to talk. It was true! I didn't open up easily to strangers about intimate stuff like the abusive childhood I had especally when my therapist was male and I had been sexually abused by an older brother. That was hard!

In answer to your other question. My current therapist is thru an agency but I have gone to counselors thru churches too. The ones I encountered were just as competent as the ones thru agencies.

I wish you the best and remember you're not alone here. We all share a kinship thru our depression. Just keeping communicating with us.