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I feel like I don't deserve to exist.

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January 3rd, 2012
When I was young in school I was treated very badly, by both my classmates and teachers. I was always picked on and almost abused by everyone around me. I was very scared and sad all the time and to this day I cannot think back to my childhood without crying. I have been trying to forget and move on but my therapist keeps brining it up and blaming it for my low self-esteem and bipolar tendencies. Because of this I cannot forget and sometimes I find myself become unbearably depressed.
I have wonderful parents who provide for me very well but recently I have started to believe that I do not merit any of the things they give me. The only reason I have such a good life is because my parents are hard-working, generous, kind and loving. But I do not deserve any of the things I have. I am worthless. Someone smarter, prettier, more talented and hard-working deserves my life and I deserve to die.
I am not going to kill myself, but I want to go to sleep one day and not wake up. I am crying as I type this and I don't know what to do.
I am in love with a boy but of course he doesn't love me back. This just gets harder and harder to deal with every day. I have loved him for two years and he knows this but he obviously is only still friends with me because he is too nice and polite and well-mannered to openly tell me to leave him alone. But he doesn't care for me. Nobody cares for me.
I need help. Sometimes I am okay with being alone but sometimes it gets so hard to deal with. Is there anybody out there who can tell me interesting ways of dealing with having to live a life like mine? Maybe some interesting books or movies that will help me forget the world that is constantly breaking me down?
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MommaGoodwin
replied January 3rd, 2012
i HIGHLY recommend telling your doctor about this depression. I know it doesnt feel like it now but about 2 weeks after you start a medication (that works for you, it may take 2 or 3 tries to find the best medication suited for you) youll find youll have an ENTIRE new outlook on life. You just need to get up and make that one effort to call your doc, make an appointment and start trying to find the best medication for you, then I promise you things will start to look different.
Chin up <3
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Psalm45
replied January 4th, 2012
I know that religious posts can sometimes be offensive, but since everyone responds with what they believe from their own experiences, have you considered prayer? I felt an awful lot like you when I was a teenager and I have really found peace in the Lord. It didn't happen overnight, and sometimes I still have a hard time believing Jesus (or anyone, for that matter) loves me. Sometimes I feel ugly, useless, foolish, and just no good. But when I see myself through his eyes, I see that I am special and important. If this offends you, I apologize. If not, try it! I will pray for you, too.
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hisdudeness81
replied January 14th, 2012
So sorry, friend :/ I grew up being ostracized as well, and I understand what you mean by feeling this way. I'm 30 and have felt this way off and on since I was in my teens. You're not alone at all. So many of my friends have felt like this at one point or another. If you're like myself, I imagine you are a caring and introspective person, pondering over the past and your own inner workings a lot. One thing that has helped me recently is to look inside myself and see the things that I do like, or the things that I wish for other people, particularly any romantic interests, to have: (Honest with and about myself, concerned about other people's well-being as well as my own, can take a LOT of bullsh*t from others and still keep going somehow...) and to realize this means that I'm actually a valuable person. So I do deserve good things. And absolutely so do you. You may not necessarily see the same things inside of yourself that I see in me, but regardless, you're genuinely human and you're deserving of the same love and respect from people that anyone else is. Aside from that, I have been considering taking medication recently, and I seriously recommend as "MommaGoodwin" pointed out above, that you consider this an option as well. Clinical depression is chemically addicting; you get addicted to feeling bad and don't want to recover. Your therapist or even a family doctor can counsel with you on potential options. I wish you the very best of luck.
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