I don't know if anybody will read this. I needed someplace to vent. I don't have anybody else to turn to, so thank you in advance if you happen upon this.
I feel so alone. I've been an emotional trainwreck...well, for years now, but moreso than usual the past couple of days. I'm going through a nasty breakup, but that's merely a catalyst for my current depression. This is just the current breakup at the end of a long string of disappointments. I'm sure around this time next year I'll be going through another one...I'd talk more about my relationships with girls, but then I'd be here typing all night. I could write a thesis on how bad my relationships with girls have been - cheating, emotional dependence, emotional blackmail, broken hearts...needless to say, most of my issues stem from my past relationships.
I'm 21 years old, only a few days away from 22. I'm a Junior in college. I have no direction. I'm just majoring in English because I have nothing else I'm good at. I have no career in mind, but I'm terrible at basically everything else. I've barely been going to classes because I feel so low. I always do this to myself, every time I go to school, ever since I was 15. I know I can do the work, but I sabotage myself, and I watch myself do it, and I hate myself for doing it, but I can't seem to stop.
I don't have any close friends anymore. They've all left me. Well, I have a very old group of friends, a few people I've known for basically my whole life, but I'm not close to any of them. They're just people I hang out with to try and have a good time. I've never been able to open to them, and the few times I've tried, I've just gotten burned. When everything went to hell with my first girlfriend - which is basically what set off my ongoing depression, which has hounded me for the past 6 years, ever since she cheated on me and we broke up, among other things - I tried to talk to some of them. I had nobody else to talk to. They told me that I should've known better before I started dating her, and that I had nobody to blame but myself. I got no sympathy, not one non-judgmental word from anybody. Ever since then, I don't feel at all comfortable talking to them about anything serious. They're just people I get together with on the weekends to play video games, watch movies, and go out to eat. I used to have close friends, but they've all long since abandoned me.
The rest of the week, I feel completely isolated. I'm no good at conversation with new people, and I rarely even leave my apartment. I barely talk to anybody at all during the week, even when I do make it to class. I just hang out at my apartment, wasting time, because I have nothing else to do. The only hobbies I really have are video games and music (listening and collecting, not playing - I have no musical talent of my own). My existence just feels completely inconsequential.
I've hated every job I have, and I dread going back to work when I'm done with school, especially since I don't have any ambitions of any kind. I've worked in retail and a factory. Retail was bad, but the factory was worse. Every day I went into that hellhole, it was soul-crushing.
I've never slept well, ever since I was a little kid. My parents had to lock me in my room to keep me from throwing a fit or wondering around the house at night. I was afraid of the dark until I was 16, and I wouldn't be able to sleep without a light and the TV on. I would be kept up at night by hearing things all over the place, and having terrible nightmares. I've since gotten over the fear of the dark and the sleeping with the TV on stuff, but I still don't sleep well. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, and I'm usually up until 2 or 3 AM, although the past few days, thanks to the breakup, it's been a bit worse than normal. I have problems with sleep paralysis as well, which is a terrifying experience and sometimes makes me dread waking up almost as much as falling asleep.
I've tried counseling before, but I couldn't really open up to the counselor. I'm a very closed off person to most people, even when I don't want to be. You know how sometimes you don't want to tell somebody your problems, you just quietly hope somebody notices your desperation and your distress? Well, I'm like that all the time, except nobody ever does. I'm too stone-faced for my own good, and nobody can read me even when I want them to.
I don't know what to do. I don't really feel like I have much of anything to live for. I feel so alone, and isolated, and hurt. I'm tired of having my heart constantly broken and being abandoned by everybody I get close to. All I ever wanted was for somebody to care...everybody who ever has cared always ends up leaving me. The past few nights, I've fallen asleep crying and woken up just to start crying more. I don't feel like I can handle this weight on my shoulders. I've always tried my best to try and cope through the depression, but this is the worst it's been in a long, long time. I don't feel like my life matters at all, and I don't know how it could.
Anyways, that post was a lot longer than I thought it would be. I'm sorry, looking over this, I must sound terribly self-obsessed and my thoughts must seem disorganized. It's just a lot of stuff that's built up for a long time, and I needed to release it. Forgive me for going on for so long about myself. I doubt anybody actually read this whole raving, but if you did, thank you again.