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I feel alone.... i just wanna go home.

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October 5th, 2011
this has been going on for about 2 years now. in grade 7 (i am now in grade 9) there was a lot of stuff that happened at school , and i became depressed because of it. what happened was just some girl drama. there were these 2 girls that basically picked me as their little experiment for the year because they were jealous. i dont know its hard to talk about...I hadnt and still havent told anyone how i felt. even my closest friends because i didnt want to seem weak. i think this made my depression worse. last year i also started to get symptoms from my depression like thoughts of suicide, chest pain, stomach pain, i began eating more, etc. so about 5 months ago my dad told me and my family that we had a chance to move to ohio. of coarse i was happy to get out of where i was living. even though i'd miss my friends, i thought that if i moved i would have a fresh start. i convinced my parents for us to move (not telling them about the depression of coarse) and 3 months later we had packed our bags. so now im here in ohio. and iv been going to school. at the beginning i couldnt be at school because i had to go back to toronto (where i moved away from), so by the time i came back everyone already had made friends...i feel so lonely. i havent been out with anyone for a month, and even though my thoughts of suicide are gone, i just feel numb. i miss my friends, and i want to go "home". but i dont have a home. ohio doesnt feel like home, and i dont live in toronto, and i will never live in toronto again. im so used to knowing everyone at school, but now i hardly know anyone. iv made friends but im not close to them as i was with my old friends. i feel so out of place and lost and alone and fragile. i dont know what to do. its too late to join any clubs or sports and iv talked to everyone that i can. this is honestly the hardest thing iv ever had to go to. im only 14, and already i wish i was 90. i keep in contact with all my old friends and they say they miss me.... i just wanna go home. and now im crying. please help?
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First Helper Patrik
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Patrik
replied October 5th, 2011
Rachel, moving is difficult. First, it sounds like you were in a bad situation in Toronto and you were glad to get out of it, but you also left behind friends. Often times when we move on in life, we get nostalgic. We remember the good things and forget the bad. Don't forget that you've been able to make a clean break with some of the things holding you back. Your suicidal thoughts are gone, you say. It sounds like you are making progress already, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Second, you are slow to make friends in Ohio. This is normal. You just got there. You are not going to have the deep friendships with people you just met that you have with your friends back in Toronto. Not yet. But at least you know you're capable of forming those kinds of friendships. You've done it before and you'll do it again. Let it happen naturally, gently. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Are you sure it's too late to join a club? I find that a little hard to believe. Who have you talked to about it? Which clubs would you like to join?
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Users who thank Patrik for this post: rachelzip 
rachelzip
replied October 5th, 2011
thanks for helping (: its true, it was a really bad situation. i also failed to mention that toronto is where my brother died, and my uncle and my grandparents. it was just a trajic place all in all.

i look at everyone else and see them all smiling and laughing. i remember i used to have that with my friends. where is was easy to talk, and you didnt have to try and i knew everyone. i'd rather be a depressed person with friends than a person with no friends whos lonely. at least i had someone to talk to and make me forget about my depression, right? laughter is the best medicine.

soon enough i'll make friends...but im starting to think that day will never come for me until i completely start over in university. its already been over a month of school. but i have been away for 2 and a half weeks on and off so its hard getting in to groups and everything.

the only clubs right now are the harry potter club (not my thing), japanese club (all the manga people go there...), german club...none of the clubs are any interest to me. i was thinking of doing interior design club, but that'll start next semester. all of the sports started 3 weeks before school and they already did tryouts. i tried asking the coaches and they said its too late to join and in the 2nd semester there will be chances for me to do a different sport.

i sound really negative right now...im trying to be posative i really am. except for my social life at school im doing well. i miss toronto i guess :/
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