Okay, i need someone to tell me whats wrong with me, because obviously i cant work it out myself.
Im 17, and even though im very young, i dont know who i am. my personality changes alot, and most of the time im pretending to the person somebody else wants me to be. i dont know how i got my head into this mess, but i can never think straight. I never know what my next step is, and even though i try to have fun and enjoy my life, it only lasts for a few hours.
Maybe its been cause by the constant conflict between me and my father. Or maybe from a past experience where i got pushed around and hit alot by an ex boyfriend. Ive never been an open person, so i never mentioned that to anyone, except a friend of mine witnessed it.
I did well with my GCSE's but i stil dont know what i want to do, im going nowhere and the longer i spend dwelling on the past, the worse my life seems. I dropped out of college because i couldnt afford it, and i felt alone. Now i work in mcdonalds and thats never where i intended to be. When i was in school i always had ambitions and goals but ive dropped them all.
I always feel alone, and in need of company. I have had other boyfriends since me and the specific one above ended our relationship, but in every one of them, i am a whole different person at the beginning to what i am a few weeks/ months in. Also, when a relationship comes to an end, i have to have a new guy around because i cant be single. I dont understand why.
On many occasions i have cried myself to sleep at night, or i have sat outside in the pouring rain just staring into space. i dont know why im like this. When i was younger i had my head so straightened out, i knew what i wanted to do and who is was. I was happy. There was one time when i considered suicide, i thought about it for hours on end but in the end i couldnt do it. So i guess im not too bad, but i still feel like i need help. I dont want to open up to anyone, i trust nobody, not even myself. I cant tell my mother or anyone how i feel, and i really cant explain myself, its hard enough to write it all here. I feel like im closing off from everyone i ever cared about and i cant stop myself.
it sounds like you are depressed. you feel sad, bad, though about suicide.
do you have insurance? are you able to see a therapist. even your primary care doctor can prescribe antidepressants for you.
you should never shut anyone out out of your life when you feel the way you do. you dont have to be alone. everyone has been depressed one time or another.
usually at the time your thoughts are negative b/c you feel so low.
1. talk to your parents and friends about how you feel.
2. try to talk to a therapist or get medication from your PCP.
3. If you fall get up and try again. i dropped out of college and i have AES calling me everyday. so what. you life isnt over, and you can still be how you want to be. dont let your depression tell you, you cant.
you can private message me anytime you want to talk.