I was ten when I first started having separation anxiety. I cried for days because the thoughts kept coming that one day my parents would grow old, one day I'd grow up, one day they'd die and I'd be left alone, or that in when they grew old, they'd be alone. And it didn't help that I didn't have friends, so I cried for that too. I saw a counselor...made friends...and somehow got over those feelings. Until the following year when for two weeks I cried again, had the same feelings, this time at a new school. It continued until I was thirteen. And after that the feelings lingered, but never to that intensity. And sometimes I'd have a night where I'd have them, but then they'd go away.
When I was in high school, psychology, we learned about depersonalization...I could relate to the symptoms described, I remember thinking "hey, I do that all the time"...I didn't think there could actually be a reason why.
I'm currently in college. A few months ago, I realized certain things about myself and my past. I have had repressed memories of sexual abuse from when I was very little. It happened in school, from a teacher. I've been having fragments of the memories...hearing his voice, feeling the fear, hiding underneath a desk...Wondering what is real of those memories...I don't know how long the abuse occurred, or to what extent. I remember I was afraid and I didn't know what was happening.
For the time after until now...I've joined a support group, have talked to a psychologist on campus...I was trying to heal. Then the anxiety started happening again. In February I had a flashback. It scared me, and I'm afraid if it's just my mind going insane, and if it's not I'm afraid for what actually happened. I continue to have them, less now.
I don't intend to play the victim with my loved ones. I don't want to make them sad by being sad. I don't want to seek attention because that's what I fear and wonder is happening with all of this. But I don't feel okay anymore. I feel like I'm failing in everything I'm doing. I feel like crying when I'm alone. The thoughts fill my mind of..."why me?"..."why couldn't I just be normal?"...Why do I have to think I'm going insane all the time. Why can't I just be stronger like my parents?
I contemplated suicide seriously this week. Even wrote a letter to my family. Thought in doing so, it'd be my choice. So why should anyone else care. But I thought about how it'd affect the ones I'd leave behind. And that's what makes me sad. So then the guilt haunts me. And the cycle continues.
I'm afraid to seek help. Afraid that there's something truly wrong with my mind. I feel paranoid all the time, I seek symptoms of disorders I might have...thinking that maybe I'm simply delusional...maybe I'm trying to convince myself of that. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to have these constant worries in my mind.
Of my fears, I'm convinced my dad's going to go paranoid one day because my grandfather did, I'm convinced my mother's going to end up alone, I wonder about my family and all of these negative "what-if's" come to mind....I'm afraid that when I grow old, I'm just going to go insane.
I feel tired all the time, drained. I wake up throughout the night, tossing and turning. Having vivid dreams and waking up feeling exhausted...I can't motivate myself as I once could to do work. I fell so behind in my classes. Am I just a slacker? Is this all just an excuse? Am I just crazy? Does any of this even make sense?
What scares me the most is that I'm not afraid of my own death anymore. I know I need help. I don't want to have these thoughts anymore. I'm just afraid of my fears...afraid of facing them I suppose. I'm afraid that if I'll need to rely on medication to overcome this, then will I be the same? Will the feelings I have be real? The worst is that having all of these thoughts and emotions are like a rollercoaster ride...at first it can be smooth and manageable, but then a sudden twist and everything goes upsidedown, then another period of calmness...and repeat. I just don't know how long it'll take for this ride to end...
Am I crazy, anxious, or just a mess...
I want to ask...has anyone else felt this way? How have you managed it?
Saving 
