I don't want to be forever lonely and depressed.

I am 20 years of age and female.

Since I was 14 or 15 years old, I have these feelings of being lonely and depressed. I am fat, not necessarily obese but maybe overweight. I grew up always being compared with other people by my mom. She always compare me to girls who she thinks is better than me. Because of that, I grew up very shy, and insecure. I have friends, but very few. I cannot tell them how I feel because I am afraid that they might laugh at me.

I have this auntie, who is very dear to me. During my childhood she was the one who took care of me whenever my parents are at work. She is the opposite of my mom. My auntie is so kind to me, she is full of wisdom. She always tell me to always believe in myself because she believe that I can be a better person. She appreciates the inner beauty in me. She even told me that I am beautiful, though I know that she only told that to make me feel happy somehow.

Sadly, she passed away 3 years ago due to kidney failure. I was so depressed. The only person who believes in me is now gone. Forever gone. And I know that how much I cry she will never come back to comfort me. It is very hard to cope up. I can say that I treated her the way a daughter must treat her mother. The same with her, she treated me like her own. Though it has been 3 long years, the pain is still there as if it just happen yesterday. And, I know that if my Auntie would see me, she would not be happy to see me like this.

I am now in my college years. In fact, I am on my senior year. But life for me is getting dull everyday.

I still have my parents. But the way they treat me is like I am a ROBOT. I am their eldest child, and I am aware on my obligations as the eldest. But don't they realize that I have my own life? They always ask me to this, to do that..be like this and be like that. I am so sick of my life. I even have my suicidal thoughts. I had been thinking of committing suicide a lot of time. But I always end up, realizing the teachings that my Auntie imparted on me, which is to love and respect my parents. Yeah! I definitely love my parents, as well as my siblings, but the way they are treating me makes me feel that I am worthless and unwanted. Most of the time, I feel that they only notice me whenever they needed something. But other than that, It's like that I am invisible. I never feel that they appreciated me.

Because of that I became independent, that made my parents thought that I am so selfish. Yes, for them I could be selfish, but I am only doing these things because I know that there will be no one for me, so I need to learn and do things by myself.

In the university, I have this best friend. As a friend, I love her so much, I treasure my friendship with her. She always understands me. We advise each other. She told me her problems, as well as secrets. She also knew everything about me, even my family problems. But lately, I have noticed that she is being cold to me. I know that she also have other friends, I understand that. That's why I am trying to get along with them. But every time I hang out with her friends, I feel left behind and out of place. Her friends are nice and very kind to me, they are happy persons. But there is this feeling that whenever my best friend is with them, she forgets about me. Like for example, before, we always go home together but now, though we still go home together, but she is with another friend making me feel left behind.

Most of the time, I'm thinking that she has found her new friends and maybe she is just shy to tell me that. I'm trying to make her see that I feel lonely in our situation. But I don't know, she might not notice it.

She is my only friend here in our university. I treat her like a sister. I love her so much. I value our friendship more than anything else.

Because of this, I feel so lonely and depressed. Now, I'm always alone. I feel that I am unwanted. I have my family issues and now I don't have anyone. My studies are affected because I am not interested anymore. I cut classes. I don't want to see people who knew me. I'm sick of my life. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be forever lonely and depressed. Please help me!