I am writing here because I'm tired of my life and everything that happens. I just don't know what to do anymore and I needed to let it out.
Well my life has never really been simple. One day I can be so happy and then in the space of 24 hours or so my life can be turned upside down. So much has happened lately and I'm so tired of feeling alone.
It stems back almost 3 years. I met a guy. Only for a brief time. At the time I liked him a lot and I'd never felt so comfortable with anyone. After a couple of weeks we realised we couldn't be together as we lived around 6 hours apart and that's the quickest way. I fell in love with him. I know this sounds really stupid as it was only a short time and people have said you couldn't have loved him. But I know for a fact, I loved him with all my heart. I have done for the past 2 and a half years. I haven't seen him since so I don't know why I feel like this. I blocked him out of my mind for almost 2 years, in the sense that I would still think about him everyday but I lied to myself and told myself I didn't like him. Since then, I haven't really been able to really like someone. It's as if my emotions have gone and it's not possible. There was one person a year ago that I thought yeah I like him, but it turns out he was seeing 2 or 3 other girls, after that I totally lost my emotions, I didn't care about falling for someone, I just felt I had to have someone but I didn't have an emotional bond. I I ended up seeing a few people and ended it so I hurt a couple of people which I am really not proud of. Then I met this guy t the beginning of last year and ended up going out with him. He was my first proper boyfriend. I thought I loved him and I was happy at times but the problem was he tried to control me and made me feel bad about everything. Something happened which he made seem like my fault and I even lost my best friend because of it. Not only that but because of this he felt he could control me and i blamed myself and believed it was my fault. It's only recently i've realised it really wasn't my fault. But I ended that relationship when I went away because something happened when I was away which made me realise I deserve to be happy. I shouldn't be upset anymore. That was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know what to do. Now things are back to normal and i'm supposed to pretend it never happened but it did and i'll never get the image out of my head. But anyway I came home, was happier, started seeing someone who basically one day said he'd take me home as i had no other way at the time and that was why i wasn't going to go and he wanted me to go so i agreed if he took me home. Then he ended up going and leaving me. I found another way home but it showed how much he cared about me so i ended it. I thought I really liked this guy but i didn't want to have to put up with someone not caring. After that I thought I liked this guy who also happened to be one of my best friends that I hadn't known the year before. I then realised I wanted to like him because he was such a nice person and i mistook my friendly feelings for something more. It ended when I had a break down where all my feelings for the guy I had loved came back. Then I realised how much I still loved him just as much as I had before. Then I went on this spiral of trying to find someone who made me feel the same as as him. I've only just realised this. I saw I guy I liked this lasted a few months. We ended up breaking up and seeing each other again 3 times or so. He'd asked me out because I felt like I couldn't commit and commitment scared the living daylights out of me. He told me he loved me and he'd never felt like that before. However the reason we argued was because he tended to flirt with a lot of girls. We were even in college and on 2 occassions i saw him kiss this girl 3 times in total. This did hurt because I didn't totally trust guys at this point. He said they were like best friends. I kept forgiving me. Then the last time we broke up I pretty much asked him out. he said no. I was like ok then. After that he saw me talking to this guy and made a comment to my friend saying look at her flirting but the guy had actually asked me on a date before and I said no because he was someone i wasn't interested in because i liked the guy who said i was flirting. My friend told him this and the same night he came up to me to talk and i kept asking if he was ok, he said don't and i just said his name and then he said do you really want to know? I said yes and then he kissed me and told me how much he missed me and he was sorry. I was happy but then he didn't speak much for the next few days. Then when I asked why he said what he said he said he didn't know and i said that was a bit of a mean thing to say don't you think and he said pretty much. I decided I didn't want to be with anyone after that but a while later a guy started talking to me. I tried to ignore him a bit but he kept talking and then he seemed really nice. Then after a week or so things got complicated and he blamed me for a lie he'd kept so now I'm not interested in anyone which is good. That's just my guy problems. My friends lately have been complicated. We hang out every week and I'm pretty sure a couple of people don't like me, there are things I'm not invited to and everyone else is. But everyone is so sly and they have to know all the gossip and there are a couple who will kiss anyone, a lot of people go out with different people in the group and it's really messed up. Like my best guy friend who I said i wanted to like started getting weird when he liked my best friend. he rarely speaks to me now even though i didn't care. He told me he liked me so he wasn't interested in her and then he told her he didn't like me anymore even though he said he loved me before. I didn't mind him being with her if that's what she wanted to too. Me and this guy then ended up getting really close and we spent so much time together, now he's being really weird as if he doesn't even want to talk to me. I haven't said anything and it's all of a sudden. Oh yeah and my girl friend who I considered my best girl friend kissed the guy I liked after I came back from holiday right next to me when I was allready really confused and then she flirted with two other guys I'd been close to before. She backstabbed me and lied to me. Now she thinks everythings ok. I can't stay mad at people, so I keep getting hurt. I always try to say things will get better, but they just get worse.
My parents are constantly having a go at me and saying I don't do anything. I don't know what to do with my life. I've always wanted to go to America to live and be an actress but I'm even having doubts if I can act or sing and I just can't be bothered anymore. I feel so alone and I'm tired of being treated like rubbish and drama always happening. There have been so many times in my life where I haven't wanted to live anymore. I'm not interested in what I used to be interested in. I'm never happy anymore and I don't know what to do. I just can't go on like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I just need help.
My mum is always yelling at me to clean my room and i know it's nothing but even if i do it. it's not good enough, nothing is ever good enough. I'm sick of it. I feel like crying all the time. My mum says i do nothing. She was telling me that I was going out too often not too long ago. Now i'm not going out so often i'm still getting yelled at. What does she want me to do?! I love my parents and I try to spend time with them and don't do things with my friends to see them. But now I just want to get away and not live here anymore. I hate my life so much. I don't want to have to live it anymore, especially like this. I hate myself. I don't know how not to feel like this. Someone please help me
One of the things that helps pull me from my bouts with depression is success. I don’t mean grand life changing type stuff, but small things. Setting small goals and achieving them. Success breeds success. It seems that the times when I fall back into my old habits and forget my goals or become afraid that I cannot reach my larger ones I fall back into depression. Just a thought.