I have been with my boyfriend for almost half a year and the issues I have had with him have started to concern my friends, family and even co workers. According to them, I am in an abusive relationship. But I can't help but feel it is me who is causing all the problems, like my boyfriend suggests. Yes, I have experienced violent outbursts from him, but when my family got involved, the physical abuse has become not as constant but yes, he still destroys my property, makes threats to harm me physically or restrains me to the point I get bruises ( I lie to my family about where I get them) or he uses his weight to knock me down. He punches things, and throws things still. This doesn't happen frequently and I haven't told anyone that the physical is still happening because I feel it is my fault. Now I am being told by people close to me that it has turned into emotional abuse. I never do anything right it seems. I cause him to get upset over small things like asking questions, not cuddling enough, not fetching drinks for him, having a tone in my voice, and if I have any type of "negative" emotions or thoughts about him or something he has done, he gets angry at me, or dismisses the problem, or somehow blames me. If I have any "negative" emotion about the relationship, like worry or a concern which doesn't always deal with something he has done, just thoughts I have, he gets angry at me for them. It is usually his way or the highway and when I try to confront him on this behavior, I am the one to blame for why he reacts the way he does because I didn't approach the matter correctly or because my feelings and thoughts are trivial and I am just crazy. If I try to walk away from the situation and suggest I go home and to not talk for a night, his response is made by threats of going to hang out with other women. He has admitted that he has problems, but thinks it has to do with us being different people and yet, he refuses to break up with me. He refuses to break up with me even though he says he has a hard time "handling me" and says he needs me in his life and that he loves me and doesn't feel complete without me. I am confused as to why he would want to stay with me if I upset him and hurt his feelings constantly. Am I not entitled to express things that bother me? or worry me? I am not perfect. I have my own baggage, I have some trust issues which I have told him about, but the personal things I have told him about me, he uses against me. When I ask, "Do you want to go out with your friends on Sunday?" he gets angry at me and accuses me of not listening to him, not trusting him, that I am crazy and to not ask those questions anymore because they upset him. He says I have no need to ask those questions because if he plans on doing something, he will tell me. It seems like an overreaction to a question that seems harmless. All I know is, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, I get the same result from him which is usually anger and blame bestowed upon me, followed by, "you upset me and hurt my feelings." His friends no nothing about me, and I have never hung out with his friends. He never hangs out with them either because he wants to spend everyday with me. He never discusses our relationship or me with anyone he knows. He doesn't like me talking about him or our relationship at at all and if I am caught doing it, I am yelled at and put down for it and in the past, when he has caught me texting my friend about an issue I am having with him, he calls me names and he has an outburst. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I have done to make him this way. I just can't believe it is abusive. I feel I have caused this and that I am the one who isn't good enough for him and that I instigate this behavior from him. I feel like a horrible person. But according to him, he feels horrible too and not good enough because nothing HE does is every right. I am confused by his feelings. What have I done?
I can tell u what u haven't done and that is liste to anyone, even yourself
why don't u go back and read what u wrote about ten times,
take it to your family and co workers
HERE IS A TRUISM; 10,000 people can't be wrong
Oh my goodness, of course he's abusive! He's jerking you around 24/7, right? And it's all your fault? Oh please.
Do you have a sister or best friend? Suppose they were the author of this letter? What would you say to them? Of course you would recognize that the man in this scenario is no prize package.
Get some help, please please. And after you get help to dump him, get some counseling. It's not your fault that he's this way - it's HIS fault. He needs help, too, but you can't give it to him, because YOU are enabling his abuse by covering it up. That won't help him. Stop doing that.
Said with all the compassion I can muster! When you leave, be sure to have a male relative with you. Or a crowd. And then if you can get out of town for a while. Call the police and show them your bruises, have him arrested, whatever. Just get out of that situation as safely as you can.
If he will not get help, you need to get out. Love is blind in your case. He is abusive and nobody can do anything to deserve the disrespect you have gotten. It is not your fault and you need to seek family and friends to help you figure a way out. I am doing that right now. Have agreed to live seperate while getting counseling and will end the relationship permanately if the counselor feels there will be no change. You could try that but don't let him isolate you so you cannot get help. Hugs to ya!