I had an abortion 2 years ago. At the time, I was in my early 20's. I was with my boyfriend for about a year at that point, but learning that he was very immature and not who I could envision the rest of my life with. He did not treat me well, and drank excessively. I had a full time job at the time but living paycheck to paycheck, and was emotionally not ready to even think about having a child. So painfully, I decided to have an abortion at 4 weeks into the pregnancy. It was so hard for me to decide that. I didn't tell any family because their views on abortion aren't good, and I was embarrassed to tell them because it was hard for me to even talk about. I was too immature at the time. I didn't think they would approve of my decisions either way because of their religious beliefs. My boyfriend wanted me to keep it, and he brought it up when we got into arguments which was so painful.
Its 2 years later now, I have been with the same guy on and off. We broke up for about 6 months, and he came back to me saying that he had changed. He has grown up somewhat I believe, he does act like a different person when he drinks and we still don't communicate well. I try so hard to communicate with him, I always wear my heart on my sleeve and want him to know how much I love him, but it just never seems right with him. I have a gut feeling that things won't work with us and we aren't right for eachother. Despite that, I am a fighter and try so hard to make things right with him because I do care...but I feel that I am trying to fix him and make him a better person because thats how I am. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he acts selfishly at times and I see that his actions speak louder than words.
I got laid off this year, and we started using condoms and other protection that was cheaper than birth control because I could not afford it, and he does not make enough money to support me in that way either. Since then, we have been so careful but I just found out that I am pregnant..abut 2 weeks now. I have been sitting here crying about having an abortion but so scared to even think about having a child. I told my 2 close friends. They are both supportive either way... but financially I am not sure if I can even provide for this child as well. My boyfriend is now my ex boyfriend... but when we found out about the pregnancy, he has been trying to make things better because he wants me to keep it. I am going back to school too full time right now to finish my degree at the time, and I cannot find a job... I am scared for my future, and extremely unsure of how I would be able to bring a baby into this world. I would love nothing more to have children and a family one day, but I dont want to be a single mother or a mother in an unhealthy on and off relationship... I grew up in a home where my parents were horrible together, fought constantly and divorced when I was 20. It has had such an effect on my life and my views on relationships and men. I think that my mother would be supportive of this child, but my father wouldn't... not that that would be how I based my decision, but it doesn't make it easier.
I am also concerned about my life going forward...how am I going to continue my education with a baby?
I really did not want to become pregnant... we were so careful but not careful enough apparently. I am also nervous about things not working out with my ex and then having a lifetime of dealing with the decision of leaving him..because I know after having a child he will not leave me. His mother is also very strong minded and not easy to get along with...she would be a nightmare in this situation if things didn't work out with us and i kept the baby. i'm so scared... I don't want to go through with another abortion but I feel that I have no choice...Everytime I think about having the baby I cry and am so scared...and everytime I see a piecture of a beautiful baby on tv my heart melts and I start feeling guilty at the thought of getting rid of it.
Anyone who has gone through something similar like this, I would appreciate your advice...because I truly do not think you can give advice unless you have experienced something similiar. thank you so much.
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