I am really not sure why I’m writing here, because I don’t think there is a solution to the situation I’m in.
I’m a lesbian, which I discovered when I was 13-14. When I was 16 I felt in love with what I thought is the love of my life, the first true love. And all the joy of the world fell upon me when she said “I love you”. When we graduated from school we decided to come clean and tell our families about our relationship. My family rejected me completely when they found out, kicked me out of the house and said they have no daughter any more. In just a year they erased me out of their lives like I never existed, so I became an orphan even though my parents were still alive. But I managed because she was with me and that was all that mattered. Her parents were angry too, though not as much as mine, but she left home as well. We stayed with our friends for a while, then got a job and got our own apartment - a tiny tiny flat, and every day of our lives we were insanely happy. We planned our future to the tiniest bit, decided we want to build our careers together and that we’re gonna “show ‘em all”. We thought everything through and decided to study things we need to build our own business, just like we split all other responsibilities. Everything was great in every single way, it was almost too good. The first warning signs appeared after 5 years of our relationship. She became distant and cold with me sometimes, but I joked it away, as she always has been more of an introvert type. But that distance grew further apart and I didn’t know why. She wouldn’t talk about it and got very irritated when I tried to find out if something is going on wrong. She was then offered a “dream-job” (she didn’t asked me if I’m ok with that, she just told me she’s doing it as a fact) in another city and I couldn’t move with her because I had to manage our business. She said it’s for the best and when she settled in there, I would move in. Shortly after that I found out that she has an affair. With a man. And probably that was the whole reason to move out of the city. And to make things worse when I confronted her she didn’t feel sorry, she didn’t feel anything. When I called shaking and crying and told her I know everything all she said was “you took it all too seriously and I really don't want to have that conversation. To say that I was heart-broken is to say nothing. See, in all of that time I never realized that my whole world is revolving around her. Every single little or big thing was attached to her, from a coffee mug to our future together. I literally had zero life outside our relationship. I had no family anymore, I gave up everything, all of my friends were her friends, because I didn’t need anything else. She was my love, my best friends, my family, my future. Every single thing I planned or dreamed of had her face in it. When the news hit me I spent days lying on the floor feeling the weight of the whole building pressing on my chest, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t live. And I don’t know what hurt more, the betrayal itself or the suddenly realized fact that when she left, she took the whole world with her, and I had nothing left. At all. In the end the pain was so unbearable that I tried to commit suicide, but like a true idiot I slit my wrists the wrong way, so all that happened is I woke up in a small pool of my blood feeling extremely weak and disgusted that I can’t even off myself properly. Then I slept for 2 days. No one was there, no one knew, no one checked. In a week she called and said the same thing as before, that I don’t need to make it a drama, that such things happen. I couldn’t believe that all our history, all we’ve been through meant nothing for her. What was the whole world to me, seemed like an experiment to her, or just some minor episode, even though we were living together for 5 years already. I couldn’t function for a very long time, I’ve lost so much weight that I resembled a walking skeleton. And I’ve lost so much time that all my clients left, so I really had nothing and when all the savings were gone, I was about to lose the apartment. And that’s when she comes back. Without explaining anything, without any warning, she just came back as if nothing happened. When she saw the state I was it, she just said “Have you been too lazy to cook?”, and that was it. We started living together again, but I could never recover. I became suspicious, extremely weak and I had constant nervous breakdowns. I tried to only cry when alone, because she was always irritated when it happened. In 5 years that went after that I felt as if there was no life in me left. I don’t remember not being either hurt or afraid. I woke up everyday thinking “Please God, please, please, let it be a good day, I’m begging you don’t strike me today”, because almost everyday she either said or done something that made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. She could disappear for 2-3 weeks without a warning and when I texted her, she would write a day later something like “I’m busy, stop being annoying”. Once she told me “You love too much, and you are always so nice, so safe, I know I can’t loose you, so why would I value you?”. She did the same with everyone. It’s that easy for her to erase someone out of her life. I said that I never thought she would want to take advantage of it, but she said many times that I make a mistake of letting her know, that I love her no matter what. I tried to change, but I couldn’t. I can’t pretend to be cold and distanced, because that’s not what I am. I’ve always been open-hearted and warm. I need human contact and tenderness, so that’s what I give myself. This January after almost 11 years of our relationship, she told me “I don’t think I ever loved you. And I don’t think I’m a lesbian. I changed my mind and I want different things now. Please don’t call me back and don’t try to talk about it because I don’t want to. I’m not happy with you, so I’m gonna move on. Don’t start the drama, please.”. It all sounds like it was a big long joke to her. I’m now it the same state I was almost 6 years ago, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford good counseling, or any counseling at all, I have nothing left, my health is a total mess, I’m breaking apart and feel like I have no future at all. I don’t remember my past without her, don’t have a present without her and can’t imagine the future without her. I know she wouldn’t come back this time, but the pathetic fact is I would take her back without a second thought. I have no one at all left and I really don’t know what to do now. I spend days staring at the wall and imagining the building explode. Can’t do anything else. I really just don’t know what to do, nor do I have any strength at all. I can’t even talk to anyone. How can I even survive it?
well the first mistake was taking her back the second time she is obviously a bad person and doesn't deserve the love of another human being, be strong I know it's hard but you have to dig deep down and you'll find the strength, the economy is hard nowadays so I can understand not being able to get professional help. If I was in your situation the first thing I would do is find stable source of income so you can afford the help you need. Iv had depression for most of my life so I know how hard it is and healing is a slow process but eventually things WILL get better they always do I'm sure youv heard "time heals all wounds" it's true take it from me
helena omg i wish i cud give u a hug! i could cry after reading this u poor thing my fiancee left me 7 weeks ago n i was exactly the same couldnt eat, couldnt wash go 2 work get outta bed all i did was cry n think of the quickest way to kill myself n end the pain it was horrendous urs is 10 times worst im lucky 2 hav friends n family arnd me u need ppl around u anyone to tlk 2 there there must b sumone? if not im here iv been thru it myself and if u ever need 2 tlk 2 someone il be here im going to check this in a few days i really hope if not u find someone to listen to you you need someone with you and as for ur ex girlfriend she doesnt deseve you at all my ex has treated me in a disgusting way too n i think to myself KARMA because wat goes around comes around it comforts me that thought. i can think more clearer now i couldnt a few weeks ago n the medicine is time how iv got over the pain is this: take each day at a time try and do something to cheer yourself up shopping/film/book etc, plan things to look forward to, write all your hurt down u need get it out, draw it instead if ur creative and get out the house voulennteer at a charity shop/soup kitchen or something try and fill your days up with things u enjoy its hard very very hard to have the stregth or motivation to do it when u feel so low but youve gotta push yourself to do these things u'v got to find urself again and food uv gotta eat babe i know u cant ur mouths dry it feels like ur chewing on cardboard n your appitite is like zero but uv got to even if its junk you cant hav the strenght to bounce back with no fuel in u and you can bounce back im getting there its been slow process but its becoming lighter in my mind and im feeling so proud of myself that im still here and im getting on with things there are so many beautiful things in life she is not one of them dont let her ruin your life pull that strenghth out of you youve got it in there somewear ur going to fall a lot when your picking yourself up but you can do it this is a new begining your going to have a great life in years time u will look back on her and there will b no feeling there and its going to be fantastic! that thought keeps me going that one day it wont hurt anymore everyday i remind myself that. im still hurting a lot but im fighting to get better i wont let him win got to keep going i hope iv helped u a little bit but if u need someone im here for u i really mean that we can email/facebook watever uv got someone here 4 ya keep strong xx