Hi! I'm 13, years old and I'm almost 14. I have a really complicated problem. I also have ADD/ADHD, though I'm not completely sure I have anymore. It really started in the seventh grade. There was this kid who I was around, he wanted to be my friend and I sort of knew him from elementary school. He acted like he was 5 and was very mean, and didn't have many friends at all. I used to be ignored and very lonely, which I could deal with then, but eventually I just wanted to get away from him. He disrespected everything I did and I wouldn't have otherwise been friends with him. There were so many other people like that who for many reasons I was forced to be around, and two of them got arrested. It put me in the exact same situation. None of the people I hated were really into anything that I was into at all, and they never did the same things, which made it worse. People said I was very, very talented about writing, music composition, and a lot of other things, unlike them. I didn't mean any offense by that, it just made me not enjoy being around them at all. I did NOT want to be influenced by them at all in my life, but I did, and I started to act like them, and I was scared. I live far away from the people that I like to talk to, they've never really asked me to hang out but they think I'm nice and they don't think I'm strange at all. I wanted to hang out with my friends just to get away from them, but they usually just hang out with whoever they would walk home with or where it was convenient, so I never really get to be around them, and I felt lonely. And the people I hated would always pop up whenever I turned my back, even by coincidence, not the people I liked. None of the people I hated were really into anything that I was into at all, and they never did the same things, which made it worse. A year ago I thought a lot about suicide, but I don't think I'll do it anymore. Eventually, I didn't care at all, and I wanted to care, so I could be myself and I could just get away from it. And eventually it got to the point where I just felt completely emotionless, and I can't hate them, or even feel happy, it almost feels like impulses driving me to do things. Now, I'm going on to high school, and I feel like I can be away from that, but even remembering them makes me not feel like myself. Now, my little 10-year-old sister (I have three) is treating me as if I were a 5-year-old, and somehow I'm accepting that even though I don't want to, which makes me feel even more like that. And I'm more isolated from the people I want to be around since it's the summer, and I feel like seeing my little sister one more time will just completely throw me off the edge and I'll never feel like myself again. Is there anything I can do to be myself? If I'm not myself, there's no reason to live.
For really, really complicated reasons, telling my parents would make it so much worse.