I create pain all around me

As I reread this, there are undertones of it being a suicide note.

It's not.

I've made promises to people that I pray I can keep. Promises to never harm myself again.

I suppose I'm not really asking for advice, because I probably won't listen anyhow. I just felt like doing a bit of expression.

It's also a real story embedded in there.

I deal daily with the pain of what I lost and what I still can't have despite overwhelming love.

I really did attempt suicide around Thanksgiving. It was a sudden urge and not well planned. I don't own any guns, and I'm too much a coward to hang myself, so I tried to OD on my prescription meds. Turns out the chemical I chose was a pretty safe one and I quickly ran out of alcohol to chase it with.

I'm not sure what my goal was here.

You hurt two woman in the long run and now that you can't have what you did have, you want it back?

Irregardless of what happened,its a two sided issue, the only thing is that you can't expect anyone to open their arms and be open. I'm sad that you were in pain but what you did was also irrational.

To try and commit suicide becuse noone would serve you cake and allow you to eat as well is rather a ignorant way of thinking. Life is meant to be hard, as humans we make mistake and we are supposed to learn from them, even if it hurt people. If i thought of killing myself everytime something went wrong in my life I would have committed suicide what over 10 times already cause my life hasn't been roses, but it has made me understand alot more and to being more empathetic. It has made me a stronger person, it has also motivated me to continue on with making a better person out of myself.

Your goal was to recieve pity, was to get attention, whether it was negative or positive. My advice, whether you take it or not, what happened happened, let it go,you can still talk about it but move on and don't let it hold you back.

If you really are thinking about going back with your wife, when you get you cr@p together, maybe ask her if you can attend counselling. If she is nasty with you, well you burnt her but at the same time you lack communication, well both of you do!

It seems that guys can't say what they want to without hurting the other party or worry about being freaked out on or vice versa in some cases.

So get you Shyte together, see a counsellor or a dr if you need to, suicide is the easy way out and other people will hate you for it not miss you!

Sorry to tell you that you are wrong on just about every count.

Pity? No. Don't need it. Don't want it. This is what it is. I'm an expressive person. Sometimes in my art, sometimes in my words.

Do I want my wife back? You are mistaken again. There is a difference between loving someone and being able to maintain something solid with someone. I have zero intention of going back to her because I know we don't work even though she is a beautiful person. She didn't just up and walk. She gave me time to alter what I was doing. Ultimately Tracy had just been there for me too many times. What happened happened. Despite wanting both things, I told my wife that I could not do what I needed to do to keep us together. I was quite realistic and ultimately that level of honesty was the kind thing to do.

I got a beautiful note from my wife yesterday after I wrote this telling me that she will always love me and that she knows we will always be close. So...believe me...the people that were the most involved in this love me. They don't hate me. Whatever parallels and preconceived notions you have do not match my scenario.

The suicide attempt? You see, I have bipolar disorder... so... in the midst of your harsh judgment you find yourself wrong again. With my disorder, I find myself in excruciating pain. People who don't suffer it will never understand it. You don't just "buck up". It's not situational where some happening in your life makes you upset. It's a pain that wracks you so badly that...how should I put it? I don't know how to paint you a picture. It's not about being sad, though. You believe that you are a burden on everyone. I honestly did not believe that people would hurt enough at my loss that it would trump the advantage of having me removed. You hope you get to a doctor to adjust your meds before things get terrible. I didn't. Tracy was on the phone with me trying to stop me and my wife was trying to call 911 on her broken cell phone while she raced home. I just swallowed the pills one by one. I was afraid to start, but it got really easy once I got rolling. You see? Distortions.

As for hurting two women? The situation with Tracy is one that causes us a lot of difficulty. She stays at my side, though. She does her best to ensure that my disorder does not let me drown. She takes a lot of paranioa and anger from me, though. I never had that with my wife. It's just a different dynamic.

And see? Thus I write my note to the world as I get harshly judged by you... one of the many in the world that didn't know me before, and didn't know me during, and didn't know me after... yet they judge me. They havent walked a solitary step in my shoes, yet they believe they have walked the whole journey.

My in-laws all still love me. I just now glanced over at the shirt I received from one of them at Christmas time. That is the nature of this. It's not Lifetime-movie evil husband stuff. They know me.

I don't blame you for your harsh response, though.

Many people have had similar experiences where they have been cheated on by someone. It's easy enough to choose me as the target for the anger of some past sin commited against them.

I know that as I was simply expressing publicly, there will be a majority of people who will respond negatively. It's the nature of public expression, though. It will evoke a response from people. It will make them think.

Do I claim to be some kind of innocent? Not for a second. Although it did happen pretty unexpectedly, if I had been a great husband I would have stopped it early on. Before a friendship, turned close friendship, turned romance could have even happened. Even if my marriage wasn't ideal, a perfect husband would have worked with his wife before something like this could have worked its way in. So...that said, I'm far from ignorant.

The problem is, although I'm an intelligent guy, I'm still 100% human. Considering my disorder, a very flawed human. But so are so many of the people that read here.

There are probably going to be a silent minority who come here and read what I wrote. They will understand where I am and the terrible spot it puts you into. Even though they have to fix their problems, they will see that they aren't alone. You see, misery loves company. At this time in my life I'm a misery factory. It will get better.

So...I write for that silent minority. The ones who have done wrong despite having love and depth of emotion.

I don't write for sympathy. I write for them.

Sir-
WIth you stating that you have bipolar disorder, it may be you need help. Not because of not being faithful, because we all know that it doesnt make you unfaithful, but for the sake of mental balance. With bipolar disorder comes depression, manic highs and lows, and even can lead to psychotic episodes depending on how bad it gets. Living with these feeling of hurt that you have caused to yourself, to the son, and to the wife and lover, is very hard for you to deal with. Dont let it spiral into a depression. And you even admitted to a previous suicide attempt you tried to do! I hope things work out for the best for you, but I dont understand why you would post this on a website for the world to see rather than express your feelings of guilt in the privacy of those your apologizing to...in all honesty, it does look like a need for attention, and your going to get it on here.

I would also append to this that affairs are a common side-effect of bipolar disorder. I am getting regular treatment, yet my emotions stay put. Perhaps my condition made me take more risks and made me more vulnerable than I would have been otherwise. In the aftermath, perhaps even when well, I can't give up what was built in weakness. I honestly don't know. How can I?

If I am to be honest with myself, I can't picture things happening much differently. The attraction was unusually strong. Perhaps I was completely lucid and not ruled by my condition. Again, how can I know? Where is the line in the sand between disorder and conscious behavior? The line is gray.

I will add a quote of my own...

"If I am to be honest with myself, I can't picture things happening much differently. The attraction was unusually strong. Perhaps I was completely lucid and not ruled by my condition. Again, how can I know? Where is the line in the sand between disorder and conscious behavior? The line is gray. "

That should tell you right there. The first line. I can't picture things happening much differently. In other words, healthy mind or not, things happened the way they were going to in large part because of my personality. That is what is known as taking responsibility. I am not proud of it. I still have every right to be sad, however. I can be sad that I didn't have the integrity that I believed myself to have, for instance.

Questioning whether my condition had a bearing is fair. Bipolar disorder isn't a switch and meds do *not* guarantee a "normal" person. It's not all craziness and then rationality. There are shades of gray even for someone who is being treated. I tend toward a lot of risky behavior, for example. That never seems to *completely* go away. When I was in the recorvery center I was told that such traits exist in some patients. Aspects that don't completely go away. I can go from being fearless (but not stupid unless I am triggered) to being jumpy without a change in meds.

But do I blame my condition?

No. I never was blacking out or anything. I still made choices. I have never denied that. Everyone has issues that *shape* their decisions, though.

I also didn't touch on the point to the degree I should have when you said my wife has low self-esteem for not harboring anger. I pointed out how you are wrong.

Can you explain to me why her whole family still loves me? The send me gifts, they are 100% willing to talk to me?

It's because I'm not a bad guy. They know me. They know that my decision to stay the course was done so that I could stop a cycle of hurt. They know that ultimately, I didn't promise everything my wife needed because I didn't think I would be able to keep that promise. That sounds like a bad thing, but it's not. I laid things out with honesty knowing what I would lose. And yes...a part of me hoped that I could eat my cake and have it, too, but I didn't believe in it. I was neither heartbroken nor surprised by the way things went.

I am saddened by the very fresh outcome. That's my right. My wife hasn't even been gone for a month, so the hurt is fresh. I have a right to mourn even if it's my own doing.

So...I think you can move on now.

Reread my messages with a calm voice in your head.

I made some stabs at you and pointed out where you *are* wrong, but there was no screaming.

*laughs*

I honestly think you are full of good advice if it was correctly applied.

In this case, it's not.

I am not manic right now. I am sized up by my psych on a regular basis. So, without anger, just accept that you are wrong on that point.

You need to look at the difference between self-pity and mourning. Mourning is *healthy*. Someone who just shoves issues to the back without dealing with the sadness that naturally comes with a loss is the unhealthy one. They are the one who needs an adjustment.

If you hit your own thumb with a hammer, you still feel pain, right? It doesn't matter who swung the hammer, it hurts. Now take my sitch... I did the damage, but it still hurts. The hurt is natural.

You seem to think that since I cheated, I should not express my grief.

That's...

well...

crazy.

t has been so refreshing to read your posts. It has helped me no end.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, yet you seem to have handled it so much better than me.
You are a shining star
x

In the nature of Halloween, I am reviving this thread from the dead. I thought of posting a new one, but I found it more appropriate to tie my history to what is going on with me now.

Ultimately, I hope people can read what diamondsz wrote and realize that even I see the truth in it now.

I am not healthy. I'm starting to think I never will be. I think the goal at this point is not to strive for mental health but to strive for coping skills. I cannot hurt people no matter what my condition.

I have to own what I do.

I did believe what I wrote at that time. I really did. I took solace where I should not have. Ultimately, there was no place for me and Tracy and the dynamic was crushing me.

I have since met someone else and she is living with me now. I swore to myself that I would never let another woman cloud my judgment and allow me to forsake my primary relationship. I broke free of my internet addiction, but unfortunately, I recently discovered that she was having sex chat with other men online.

I remain crushed today.

I am working on rebuilding my trust, but my god, how clearly I can see what I had done. I can see who *I* was. I can see where I tried to cling to something that offered me nothing substantial in return while spitting on what gave me true support.

I am absolutely, positively dedicated to my girl and we will do what we need to work through this.

I just wanted to vent my utter fear and hurt, I guess. This time, maybe I am looking for sympathy. No amount of sympathy will make it go away, though.

I've asked her what she would change about us if it were in my power to change. She said she would change nothing. That tells me that the infidelity was not my fault, according to her... yet... other than promises not to do it again, she hasn't done anything that really shows me that she is dedicated to stopping it from happening again.

I know I sound like I am making myself a doormat, but I feel like the best I can do is to define lines... not spy on her, but watch for cues that things are not right and then be highly communicative about my fears.

I want complete trust... I am so damn scared, though.

Karma is real, my friends.

To know how I hurt my ex is something that is incredibly hard to explain... and my girlfriend has not taken things even close to the level I did back then.

It's not worth it....

The temporary thrill is not worth it.

Please... for me... tell the person you love how much they mean to you. Do it every day. Tell them you appreciate them. Remove anything that feeds fantasy and *be in reality* with your mate.

I don't know if it hurts worse to have my trust broken or to realize just how bad I hurt someone else. To get a full helping of karma.

T

I found the original post to be quite moving, I feel I share in your despair, if it is such, though for different reasons. That said, I find this ensuing argument in the comments to be absolutely hilarious. Thank you for adding a touch of humor to the drama of life. To quote the over quoted Wilde; "man has no greater luxury than regret"