As I reread this, there are undertones of it being a suicide note.

It's not.

I've made promises to people that I pray I can keep. Promises to never harm myself again.

I suppose I'm not really asking for advice, because I probably won't listen anyhow. I just felt like doing a bit of expression.

It's also a real story embedded in there.

I deal daily with the pain of what I lost and what I still can't have despite overwhelming love.

I really did attempt suicide around Thanksgiving. It was a sudden urge and not well planned. I don't own any guns, and I'm too much a coward to hang myself, so I tried to OD on my prescription meds. Turns out the chemical I chose was a pretty safe one and I quickly ran out of alcohol to chase it with.

I'm not sure what my goal was here.

You hurt two woman in the long run and now that you can't have what you did have, you want it back?

Irregardless of what happened,its a two sided issue, the only thing is that you can't expect anyone to open their arms and be open. I'm sad that you were in pain but what you did was also irrational.

To try and commit suicide becuse noone would serve you cake and allow you to eat as well is rather a ignorant way of thinking. Life is meant to be hard, as humans we make mistake and we are supposed to learn from them, even if it hurt people. If i thought of killing myself everytime something went wrong in my life I would have committed suicide what over 10 times already cause my life hasn't been roses, but it has made me understand alot more and to being more empathetic. It has made me a stronger person, it has also motivated me to continue on with making a better person out of myself.

Your goal was to recieve pity, was to get attention, whether it was negative or positive. My advice, whether you take it or not, what happened happened, let it go,you can still talk about it but move on and don't let it hold you back.

If you really are thinking about going back with your wife, when you get you cr@p together, maybe ask her if you can attend counselling. If she is nasty with you, well you burnt her but at the same time you lack communication, well both of you do!

It seems that guys can't say what they want to without hurting the other party or worry about being freaked out on or vice versa in some cases.

So get you Shyte together, see a counsellor or a dr if you need to, suicide is the easy way out and other people will hate you for it not miss you!

Sorry to tell you that you are wrong on just about every count.

Pity? No. Don't need it. Don't want it. This is what it is. I'm an expressive person. Sometimes in my art, sometimes in my words.

Do I want my wife back? You are mistaken again. There is a difference between loving someone and being able to maintain something solid with someone. I have zero intention of going back to her because I know we don't work even though she is a beautiful person. She didn't just up and walk. She gave me time to alter what I was doing. Ultimately Tracy had just been there for me too many times. What happened happened. Despite wanting both things, I told my wife that I could not do what I needed to do to keep us together. I was quite realistic and ultimately that level of honesty was the kind thing to do.

I got a beautiful note from my wife yesterday after I wrote this telling me that she will always love me and that she knows we will always be close. So...believe me...the people that were the most involved in this love me. They don't hate me. Whatever parallels and preconceived notions you have do not match my scenario.

The suicide attempt? You see, I have bipolar disorder... so... in the midst of your harsh judgment you find yourself wrong again. With my disorder, I find myself in excruciating pain. People who don't suffer it will never understand it. You don't just "buck up". It's not situational where some happening in your life makes you upset. It's a pain that wracks you so badly that...how should I put it? I don't know how to paint you a picture. It's not about being sad, though. You believe that you are a burden on everyone. I honestly did not believe that people would hurt enough at my loss that it would trump the advantage of having me removed. You hope you get to a doctor to adjust your meds before things get terrible. I didn't. Tracy was on the phone with me trying to stop me and my wife was trying to call 911 on her broken cell phone while she raced home. I just swallowed the pills one by one. I was afraid to start, but it got really easy once I got rolling. You see? Distortions.

As for hurting two women? The situation with Tracy is one that causes us a lot of difficulty. She stays at my side, though. She does her best to ensure that my disorder does not let me drown. She takes a lot of paranioa and anger from me, though. I never had that with my wife. It's just a different dynamic.

And see? Thus I write my note to the world as I get harshly judged by you... one of the many in the world that didn't know me before, and didn't know me during, and didn't know me after... yet they judge me. They havent walked a solitary step in my shoes, yet they believe they have walked the whole journey.

My in-laws all still love me. I just now glanced over at the shirt I received from one of them at Christmas time. That is the nature of this. It's not Lifetime-movie evil husband stuff. They know me.

I don't blame you for your harsh response, though.

Many people have had similar experiences where they have been cheated on by someone. It's easy enough to choose me as the target for the anger of some past sin commited against them.

I know that as I was simply expressing publicly, there will be a majority of people who will respond negatively. It's the nature of public expression, though. It will evoke a response from people. It will make them think.

Do I claim to be some kind of innocent? Not for a second. Although it did happen pretty unexpectedly, if I had been a great husband I would have stopped it early on. Before a friendship, turned close friendship, turned romance could have even happened. Even if my marriage wasn't ideal, a perfect husband would have worked with his wife before something like this could have worked its way in. So...that said, I'm far from ignorant.

The problem is, although I'm an intelligent guy, I'm still 100% human. Considering my disorder, a very flawed human. But so are so many of the people that read here.

There are probably going to be a silent minority who come here and read what I wrote. They will understand where I am and the terrible spot it puts you into. Even though they have to fix their problems, they will see that they aren't alone. You see, misery loves company. At this time in my life I'm a misery factory. It will get better.

So...I write for that silent minority. The ones who have done wrong despite having love and depth of emotion.

I don't write for sympathy. I write for them.

I would also append to this that affairs are a common side-effect of bipolar disorder. I am getting regular treatment, yet my emotions stay put. Perhaps my condition made me take more risks and made me more vulnerable than I would have been otherwise. In the aftermath, perhaps even when well, I can't give up what was built in weakness. I honestly don't know. How can I?

If I am to be honest with myself, I can't picture things happening much differently. The attraction was unusually strong. Perhaps I was completely lucid and not ruled by my condition. Again, how can I know? Where is the line in the sand between disorder and conscious behavior? The line is gray.

If anyone woman whos husband cheated on her didn't harbor sometype of negative feelings it is because they were insecure!





You are looking for attention, half my family has bi-polar and have been surrounded by it from a very young age, using the words "I don't understand" indicate you want attention or our looking for solace. Go see a dr maybe they need tp change your cocktail



So you write that you have problems, then you feel its okay to justify it by saying you are bi-polar???

Take the blame, take the heat and deal with it like normal people do and yes you are normal if you are talking pills to help you with bi-polar, you are a normal person just like anyone else and just because you have bi-polar does not mean I will treat you any different.




Sin hell no, Morally wrong no but when it affects someone else or other people it is wrong, treat others the way you would want to be treated. Im not religious therefore I dont do the whole "sin thing" sorry.




Perfect doesn't exist although healthy relationship are reciprocate of each other, communication is just a given in a relationship, the fact that you were not able to control your basic impulses can imply ignorance or denial, choose so at your own will. Bi=polar is still not a reason to justify your actions!


Intelligence means nothing if you are ignorant, you can have a high IQ and still be ignorant or arrogant!!



No only people who look at it that way, will see it that way, I know people as well as myself who are in far worse siutiations and we cope with it on a day to day basis, ranging from overall good days to absolutly hard/bad days. Most people understand that irregardless of your sitiuation, it is not a reason to justify acting out or not taking responsibility. Bi-polar once again is not a reason to justify something that cannot be controlled because I know lots of people who do and are bi-polar. You probably on your manic d stage and need to have your cocktail changed or see a dr.

See? You are so full of aggression that you aren't even thinking. Where did I say that she didn't harbor negative emotions? If she didn't, she would be asking to come back. She isn't. She is filing against me. But she loves me and values what bond we feel we can preserve. A broken relationship does not mean that it has to be obliterated at every level. If two people are of the right mind, something very valuable and good can continue to exist.

From what I can see of you, diamondz, you will continue to see it through your narrow viewpoint. You came here looking for a fight. You don't want to be denied it.




You can take my words at face value or not.

For one thing, everyone who posts on this board has a certain amount of narcissism. Either they are giving sage advice or pouring their hearts out. Ultimately, who really needs relationship advice? At their core, anyone knows what they should do in their relationship whether they want to save it or escape it. I knew what I needed to do to save my relationship. I didn't. I decided that I needed to hold my course.

You are still of the mistaken notion that my expression requires advice. It doesn't.

I'm not claiming that my note is any sort of high art, but it is expression. It is akin to journaling. I formed my heartfelt thoughts and rather than just keeping them quiet, I chose to stick my neck out and make it public.

As you lashed out at me, weren't you expecting some kind of attention, which I am now giving in the form of a reply? The answer is yes. I think perhaps you expected throngs of people to back you up, or you expected anger from me, or perhaps you expected a calculated response such as what you have received so far. But in your posting, you were seeking something. Don't say I am wrong, because I'm not. You could have said nothing. Your life would have went on. My life would have went on. But you had something to say and you desired a response.



As far as my suicide attempt, I 100% blame it on my condition. I will continue to. I was triggered in a bad way and everything was distorted that day. As for you saying I should seek a doctor's attention, well, ever since my attempt, I see both a counselor and my psychiatrist with only a week between visits. I think they have things in hand. I'm not prone to taking your advice over theirs. Having family members with the condition does not exempt you from ignorance, either.

As far as the rest of the fiasco? My condition sent me down the path, but I was not powerless. I make no such claim. To try to pretend that it has no bearing is wrong, however.

Even a well-medicated person with bipolar disorder has triggers that they need to manage. If those triggers are tripped and not handled well, things happen. A person can find out quickly that their medication is not right when they are triggered...usually in the aftermath of having done something dumb.



No need to apologize. I am not a Christian, so I do not subscribe to the term "sin" in the literal sense. It is figurative. It is used in song all the time without religious overtones. It's a common turn of phrase to call a wrong-doing a sin. I will apologize instead since I confused you.




Wow. You make a lot of judgments without knowing all of the facts. You have your gloves on itching for a fight... because you have it all figured out. Omiscience is a very admirable trait. I'm not going to feed you details, because I'm not here to defend myself. I'm probably spending too much time in defense as it is.

I have never in this thread -even once- blamed my condition for the eventual end of my marriage. I mused that it had an impact. I would like you to consider...for just a second...that everything is not black and white in the world.

I fail to see where I have not taken responsibility for my actions. In my original post, it is all apologies. You don't apologize if you believe you done nothing wrong.



Ignorant of.............??

Relationships? I'm perfectly aware of what went wrong, what things were in my control and the pain it has caused. It is you who decided that somehow I didn't know why it happened and that I was seeking pity. You had the wrong initial impression. I hope you've figured that out by now.

My condition? Hardly. I'm on an intense treatment schedule right now and I am honest with both my therapist and psych. They have all the tools they need to treat me.

Arrogant? No. I'm not proud of the outcome, thus me somewhat confessing to strangers.



I will give your medical advice all the credence it deserves. Thanks.

Again, I say I only mused at the impact of my condition. It is no catch-all by any means. You are stretching my statements way too far. My condition leaves amazing gray areas.

So your situation is worse. What gives you the impression that I cannot cope? What gives you the impression that I blame everything on my condition?

I *do* blame my suicide attempt on it. Without a doubt.

I also take responsibility.

You won't care, though. You have me all figured out. You know how everything played out and you know that everything is black and white. I have you all figured out now. Right?

I will add a quote of my own...

"If I am to be honest with myself, I can't picture things happening much differently. The attraction was unusually strong. Perhaps I was completely lucid and not ruled by my condition. Again, how can I know? Where is the line in the sand between disorder and conscious behavior? The line is gray. "

That should tell you right there. The first line. I can't picture things happening much differently. In other words, healthy mind or not, things happened the way they were going to in large part because of my personality. That is what is known as taking responsibility. I am not proud of it. I still have every right to be sad, however. I can be sad that I didn't have the integrity that I believed myself to have, for instance.

Questioning whether my condition had a bearing is fair. Bipolar disorder isn't a switch and meds do *not* guarantee a "normal" person. It's not all craziness and then rationality. There are shades of gray even for someone who is being treated. I tend toward a lot of risky behavior, for example. That never seems to *completely* go away. When I was in the recorvery center I was told that such traits exist in some patients. Aspects that don't completely go away. I can go from being fearless (but not stupid unless I am triggered) to being jumpy without a change in meds.

But do I blame my condition?

No. I never was blacking out or anything. I still made choices. I have never denied that. Everyone has issues that *shape* their decisions, though.

I also didn't touch on the point to the degree I should have when you said my wife has low self-esteem for not harboring anger. I pointed out how you are wrong.

Can you explain to me why her whole family still loves me? The send me gifts, they are 100% willing to talk to me?

It's because I'm not a bad guy. They know me. They know that my decision to stay the course was done so that I could stop a cycle of hurt. They know that ultimately, I didn't promise everything my wife needed because I didn't think I would be able to keep that promise. That sounds like a bad thing, but it's not. I laid things out with honesty knowing what I would lose. And yes...a part of me hoped that I could eat my cake and have it, too, but I didn't believe in it. I was neither heartbroken nor surprised by the way things went.

I am saddened by the very fresh outcome. That's my right. My wife hasn't even been gone for a month, so the hurt is fresh. I have a right to mourn even if it's my own doing.

So...I think you can move on now.

Here is a question for you, if you committed a harmful act against someone else because you were triggered during one of your episodes, should you be treated as a person or as less?


I didn't come her looking for a fight but I don't have respect for people who are looking for pity or who self pity themselves.



I didn't come her looking for a fight but I don't have respect for people who are looking for pity or who self pity themselves. You have more problems to deal with and your already in another relationship, some people never learn, if you can't solve the origin of the problem its like a vicious cycle! We learn in life from our previous mistakes and apply that knowledge to our future and that is what decided our survival. Im not here to tell you are wrong for cheating, whats been done has been done!

One of two things here, they may not agree with what you have done but because it hasn't influenced them directly, they have taken that into consideration. the other answer is the fact you have a kid and they understand that your child also needs a father.

I still talk with my in-laws and some hate me, never liked me from the beginning but we talk for the benefit of my kids.

Your posts are inconsistent, bi-polar being a switch is kind of correct, if the meds are not working properly than it means you need to change your cocktail or go on different meds, sometimes it take awhile before they find the right mix!

Telling me I don't understand bi-polar is an ignorant statement, your screaming more signs here of problems, its on after the other and I think there is nothing anyone is going to be able to do for you, unless you make an effort to do it yourself!

Reread my messages with a calm voice in your head.

I made some stabs at you and pointed out where you *are* wrong, but there was no screaming.

*laughs*

I honestly think you are full of good advice if it was correctly applied.

In this case, it's not.

I am not manic right now. I am sized up by my psych on a regular basis. So, without anger, just accept that you are wrong on that point.

You need to look at the difference between self-pity and mourning. Mourning is *healthy*. Someone who just shoves issues to the back without dealing with the sadness that naturally comes with a loss is the unhealthy one. They are the one who needs an adjustment.

If you hit your own thumb with a hammer, you still feel pain, right? It doesn't matter who swung the hammer, it hurts. Now take my sitch... I did the damage, but it still hurts. The hurt is natural.

You seem to think that since I cheated, I should not express my grief.

That's...

well...

crazy.

t has been so refreshing to read your posts. It has helped me no end.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, yet you seem to have handled it so much better than me.
You are a shining star
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