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I cant deal with the pain..

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Broken Hearted
She rejected me, yet i cant move on...
cant go on i am empty i am lost
i jus cant get over him
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February 29th, 2012
i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I fell in love with him quickly and hard.. I centered my whole life around this one man. i'm 25 and he is 37. I'm a nurse and he hadn't worked until recently. We had an amazing relationship in the beginning but as time went on, the arguements became worse.. I realized he was an alcoholic.. would take my car almost daily further into our relationship and stay out with his friends until 5-6 in the morning. When I would get upset or confront him he would turn it around on me and put me down, call me names, say that I'm insecure, crazy and jealous. I found out he cheated on me a year into our relationship and forgave him. He was apologetic and swore that it would never happen again. He finally started working about a month and a half ago.. things got better and then worse again. He's been pushing to finally get a place together and we were supposed to sign a lease on Monday. Sunday night I waited for him to go to sleep and got into his facebook on the phone I just bought him... I found everything that would make you want to kill yourself. He had been cheating on me with multiple girls from the beginning. I found vulgar conversations, details, conversations with friends, talking with everyone about how he's sick of me and needs girls on the side. I had no idea. When someone tells you they are your soulmate... told me everyday I felt insecure that he would never put my heart in that place again... I love you, I ant to marry you and have a child with you.. how can someone do this? I feel like the last two years of my life was a lie. That I was used and never loved. I am a wreck and don't want to live.. I've never felt this pain. I love him more than anyone in this world and he wrecked my whole world. I will never love or trust again. I kicked him out and he couldn't admit to anything I read with my own two eyes. All he cared about was getting back his phone which I didn't give back. He blew up on me when I found it all and confronted him on everything. The fight was flipped around on me and revolved just around what a bad person I am and how crazy I am.... I don't know what to do with myself.
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First Helper Speakeasy2009
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CW5
replied February 29th, 2012
I can relate to your pain.
Hi Sandy,

firstly let me say that you are not alone in how you feel. I am 40 and first had my heart broken when I was 18. I wanted to die and thought I could never possibly love or trust again. I did fall in love again, and as I write now, I am currently going through the same feelings for the 5th time. It's been a few weeks and I am slowly healing but it is a lengthy process.

I am male, am also a nurse (renal) and live in Australia. My ex is already living with someone else. Lying awake on my own at night is an excruciating pain. She treated me very badly, made it really hard to see my daughter from another relationship and told my Mum certain things that were things you don't necessarily tell your Mum. So I know I'm better off but that doesn't stop the pain.

Time heals all wounds is a cliche but does have an element of truth. I only know what you wrote but from my perspective - and I don't know you, but it sounds like he used your good and forgiving nature against you. It will take time but you will realise that you are more suited to someone who does not twist things like he did, who respects your forgiveness, and who has the guts to admit to their mistakes. And - you won't believe me now - but there will come a day when you are actually glad you went through all this because you survived, learnt more than you can imagine, and when you next love, you will appreciate it with a different intensity.

As I said before, I have loved 5 girls and been where you are 5 times. I fear I will never love again but I do know I will have the ability too. You are not crazy, you have a wonderful profession and the very fact that you have written your blog is a positive step. It has been helpful for me to read it and to write this reply. Finally, good on you for not giving him his phone. I would keep it and save it for when he is out of your system, and then burn it or toss it into a river in your own little ceremony. Good luck, and keep the blog going, I'd enjoy hearing you improve as I sure will be,

CW5.
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Speakeasy2009
replied March 2nd, 2012
Hi Sandy,

I can relate to your pain too. Im suffering right now from a breakup with a woman I m still so in love with. Its amazing how you think you have met the right person for you, only to be walked on, disappointed or betrayed. In my situation, there was no cheating involved, she just decided that she wanted to go out and party and the relationship life wasnt for her, a complete 180 from what she wanted when she met me, which was to settle down and find a man who would treat her right. Out of nowhere, within a day she dropped me.

Its been very hard, I always have questions in my mind as to what did I do wrong and what could I have done to save what I considered a great relationship with someone I got along with well. This is not to say we didnt have our issues and things were always great, but overall I was happy to see her and was, and still am, very much in love.

This is hard for me, being a 37 year old guy who just wants to find a woman to come home too and make happy. I do so much in my relationships and like you, many times the focus of my day was my partner and how I couldnt wait to see her. Since she just dropped me, I havent eaten well, my sleep is all messed up and I find that when I'm alone I am overcome with thoughts of her and how much I miss all those great things about her.

But part of me feels ashamed of myself. I think of how I made her Valentine's Day the best Valentine's Day she ever had, she was in tears after she saw what I did for her. And now, 2 weeks later I'm dropped. i feel stupid, and betrayed.

It hurts..And bad
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CW5
replied March 2nd, 2012
G'day Speakeasy,

Your situation sounds horrible and I'm understanding of your pain. Basically I have been through this trauma 5 times and while it doesn't lessen the pain, my previous experiences make me realise I can and will get through it, and will have the ability to love again. I'm a little reticent to say this, but I am looking for someone who is going through a similar situation to trade stories, give advice, and confide in. Even the most supportive and loving family/friends do get a bit worn out with one's misery, and I hate burdening people with all the different emotions that I go through. It's been a month for me now and I am a closed book now due to this. Yet I still need to vent as I find it helps. So I'm seeing a counsellor and am doing an online fall out of love course.

I am an atheist, not very spiritual but would like to compare notes with someone in a similar situation. Sharing the ups and downs of the recovery - which does occur would help me, and hopefully someone else.

Basically, I would like to hear your story in more detail and give you what advice I have. I find it hard to tell mine as writing it all down just seems too traumatic - which is why I only answer to other people. Writing my own blog is just too much. I know I will heal, have loved and lost before, and loved again, and would enjoy helping someone else which will in turn help me. I'm a nurse with a psychology degree so I know a lot of that theory crap - some of which is right. So if you'd like to share with another male (40 and totally straight) then I'd love to swap notes, compare situations, offer and receive advice but not in some sooky situation where you are crying all the time. Crying is good and part of the healing - I have shed many a tear - but there comes a time when enough is enough - like when your Mum says to stop this wallowing.

So if you would like to compare notes/pain/wallowing/frustration/whatever with someone in a similar predicament - I'd like to keep hearing your progress - and share what I can of mine. I know I will love again - lots of compatible women out there.

Good Luck,

CW5.
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