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I can't stop thinking negative thoughts and am stuck in my head. (Page 1)

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Hi I believe I have been depressed for months. I would really appreciate it if someone could listen to my story and help me to understand what is going on with me. I met the love of my life 5 years ago at a party he is my best friend and loves me very deeply. At this time I was living with my mom. brother and my boyfriend. I started having anxiety in the mornings and questinging my relationship because of it (I didn't know what anxiety was exactily so I looked at the most imnportant thing in my life and wondered if there was something wrong). I went to my mother for advice which I believe could have been one of the worst mistakes of my life, because my mother led me to believe that the reason im feeling this was is because my boyfriend (best friend, love of my life) was abusive! Now because I was very close with my mother and possibly depressed I actually believed her and went through weeks of serious depression where I was very angry at my mother and at myself and confused I felt as if my whole life was over or that I had to end it myself. The reason for my anger was because my boyfriend had NEVER hurt me in any way physically, mentally or emotionally. I believe my mom was making assumptions because my father was extremely abusive, he was physically and sexually abusive to my mother and my sisters. Now to top all of this off before getting this anxiety my father had died from cancer after spending most of his life in jail. So after this whole blow out I told my boyfriend that there is something wrong and I don't know what it is so he decided to get his own place (which killed me inside and made me even more depressed) for the next few weeks I spent most of my time with him. I knew this was not right, that this was not how things were supposed to be and that I still loved my boyfriend with everything in me and i knew he wasnt abusive so I went to my oldest sister or advice. At this point I have quit my job and moved in with my sister. My siser was recently married and very happy and also had been to therapy for the things that happened to her in her childhood and other problems, so she helped me to try to understand what I was going through. We went though all of my feelings and tried to make sense of things, she told me that my mother said the same thing about her then boyfriend and now husband (that he was abusive and that she hated him) and we went through things in my relationship because I was questioning my love for him and all sorts of things- she did pin point a few things that we needed to work on(communication being the most important) after a while my boyfriend moved in with my sister aswell and we stayed in her basement for a few months. During this time I was extremely depress, i felt lost, confused, angry I gained about 40lbs I admitted myself into the hospital because I felt like ending my life. The thing that all of my anger was stemming from was because i couldent stop analyzing my relationshp, i couldent stop doubting every little thing (like well if you say something the wrong way that means you dont love him) then i started thinking that I never did and that I was inlove with other people (this gay guy from work i was friends with) so i started to push all of these thoughts out of my head. I felt guilty and doubted everything about myself and about everything i felt. but whenever he would be around I would feel okay again and happy and I would hold him and never let him go. I told my sister about every thought that went through my head and she helped me to understand them a little better. I started to question if i was a pedofile like my father and if i was a lesbian... these were thoughts that I blew out of purportion. Today I am living with my boyfriend in a nice little apartment with my two cats I am working a job i dont really like and I still stay very close to my sister, ihave barely talked to my mother because i am mad at her. I still have negative thoughts and doubts my self constantly, my thoughts are now about cheating, Its like i dont trust myself i have thoughts of other guys ( i work with or see or know) pop into my head. I feel guilty and disgusting because that not who i am, i am not a cheater and I love my boyfriend i would never do anything to hurt him. But whn i get these thoughts i feel as if i have to analyze them to death, to a point when i see these people again i wonder when im around them! it kills me! I have had multipul break downs and hate myself for weeks at a time. My sister keeps telling my that I am not a bad person (because I have been asking her that constantly) and these thoughts are there because im depressed and I've been through so much and that I shouldent take them seriously and learn to ignore them. But the things that hurts the most is the effect they are having on my relationship. I love my boyfriend and if anyone knows what its lik to love someone then they will understand how much this hurts me. I can't spend time with him and not have these thoughts and this is what i want most in the world. I would like to know if anyone has gone though the same thing to any degree? and what they did to deal with it? I am trying to do normal things like excersizing and I have actually started a hobby/ small buisness but anytime i feel good about any of these things i have these intrusive thoughts. Please help me to see if there is light at the end of this tunnel? I feel stuck and paranoid and angry and very depressed. When all i wanna do is move foward in my life and have the same loving amazing relationship i had with my boyfriend before all of this. And i want to see the good things in life again because my life right now is hell. Please help me. and thanks for taking the time to read all of this i know its a lot.
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First Helper vit89
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replied January 16th, 2012
I know exactly what you are going through.... I have been on medication for just over 3 weeks and it seems to be helping with the thoughts slightly. I have yet to have my first propper session of CBT with my Phsyc but I have it on the 2nd of Feb so I will let you know how it goes. I really hate this and just hope that i have the stregnth to pull through the other side
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replied February 28th, 2012
hi JS1189, iv been lookin tru the internet with weeks hoping that i would find someone with similar symptons like me and your the first person i came accross that is going tru what i am going tru i am with my boyfriend with 8 years now that i love more then anything in the world and over christmas i got really sick and down it just came out of no where iv been tru alot over the years with bullying but always thought i was dealing with it ok, then christmas eve i started to get the anxiety attack because i thought of breaking up with my boyfriend because i didn't love him and it made me physically ill the thought of not been with him its lik the more i try not to think about it the more i do, i feel i doubt everything i feel and no lately especially my relationship because that was the only thing i was sure about in my life until this happened, i went to the doctor cause i couldn't even go to work i was so down and constantly crying and he told me i had post tramatic stress that it had nothing to do with my boyfriend and the closest person to u is the person u focus on the most and when ur feeling lik that u look for all the negative, i too think of really stupid things lik breaking up or cheating even tho i would never in my life dream of doing it i feel sick of the thought of it and i even thought i was going crazy cause one day i was the happiest person ever and the next im constantly obbsessing on everything im on medication 6 weeks now and its definately after helping but im still not a hundred precent cause u must get counciling aswel if anyone is going tru anything similar please help just want to get better soon:/
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replied March 14th, 2012
Experienced User
I'm confused. You say you met the love of your life 5 years ago and at the time were living with your mum, your brother and your boyfriend. Is that two boyfriends?

The rest of it makes no sense to me until you answer that.
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replied April 11th, 2012
Hey, thanks for the replys. Its comforting knowing that there is another person going through the same thing as me. Have you been able to resolve any problems or get any help C23? I have been taking 2 diff anti depressants which are helping me to regulate my moods but not with the negative thinking... And just to clearify.. I met my boyfriend at a party and then we(my bo????friend and I) moved in with my mom and my brother a few years later. There was never two boyfriends at once.
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replied October 20th, 2012
I have negative thoughts..my mind goes into over load...i didnt leave my house for about 4 months i also gained 40 lbs..and alooottttttttttt of other stuff, guilt ....the u wanting or thinking of cheating..the thing that put u in the psych ward ....i have the anxiety the panic attacks..the wanting 2 hurt other people for the smallest reasons and my list goes on im 33 now this started when i was 19 or before i started seeing a psyc then@19 also beging at 13 in therapy ..my mom had the same issues with her dad..i didnt grow up in the best home but no man<loser>(never had a dad)bothered me..i always had bfs i moved out when i was 15 got my own apt been gone ever since..i think my mom ur mom they put stuff in ur head and u believe it and think its the right way but u really know its not .. then its too late.ur mind is screwed so now i am diagnosed as bipolar,ptsd from my childhood,very bad memory,bad anxiety and panic attacks,agrophobia for a while.and the pychco b&&&Hpart that havent named that yet Smile.i dont travel..all i think now and when i look back and can remember are all the negative things ..sucks huuh ive been on a ton of different meds honestly they kind of keep u ok for a minute but they dont really work..and theres no cure.im sorry..but i do pray alot !!! gl w/ ur life hope u get better if u do lol (sorry) let me know
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replied May 11th, 2012
Hi. I'm quite relieved that I'm not the only one who goes through whit this. i'm not sure if mine is the same but let me tell you what's mine is like. Ever since I've had a boy friend last year my thoughts have become very negative and I constantly think about negative thoughts. He was never out of my mind. never. maybe for a few seconds a minute or two but he's always there inside my head. i always think that he doesn't really love me even when everything was alright like i would just feel this i'm not quite sure what it is but it makes my heart feel heavy and makes me feel depressed. i always think that things won't ever work out with us although i loved him. and the time came when we broke up. and early this year i met a guy who was quite broken as well and we ended up dating we weren't serious at first but we fell in love. and now My "sickness" haw came back and keeps torturing me. My mind keeps analyzing the smallest things and think that he doesn't love me anymore. that one day he'll leave me. and these are exact the same thoughts when i was with my ex. always always negative. although he loves and makes an effort to make me stronger. i love him so much but i can't stop my thoughts. i would be extremely happy but then become very sad or depressed the next. I start to question my feelings to him and think that i'm not in love with him but later on i would feel that i love him. and it's all very confusing. i don't understand. i feel that my heart is having this wall. sometimes it's like i can't feel anything. sometimes it feels like someone put a boulder over my heart. i don't know what to do. it's driving me nuts and i also do feel like i'm crazy. maybe i am crazy. i don't know. i just want to stop it so bad. makes me feel crying all the time. it just never stop. the negative thoughts.
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replied May 14th, 2012
i think there are certain failures in life and u do get depressed emotionally. But you have to go on. Life has better things to offer than a heartbreak sadness.

move on.
you should do yoga.
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replied August 26th, 2012
I ALSO GET THESE THOUGHTS I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH DEPRESSION AND WILL SOON BE SEEING A COUNCILLER TO HELP ME WITH MY HORRIBLE THOUGHTS.
I LOVE MY PARTNER SO MUCH BUT WHEN I GO THROUGH DEPRESSION I THINK I NEED TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE OTHER THAN MY PARTNER.
THE THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS IN MY HEAD AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SICK AS MY PARTNER IS MY WORLD BUT I BELIEVE ALL THESE HORRIBLE THOUGHTS.
IM NOW ON ANTI DEPRESSION TABLETS AND FINGERS CROSSED THEY WILL WORK AGAIN AS I HAD THIS BEFORE 3 YEARS AGO AND I DID GET BETTER.
I WOULD SUGGEST ANYBODY GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS SHOULD GO AND SEE THERE DOCTOR BEFORE THEY GET WORSE XXX
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replied August 29th, 2012
I am actually going through the same thing. I started theropy about 2 weeks ago and my first session was great! But now I'm having the doubts again, it's so confusing because at some stage I made my thoughts feel like they were real! And that I didn't love my partner anymore. My doctor says its normal when you have anxiety and depression, but I just don't understand why this is all targeting my relationship and nothing else as bad as this. I look at my partner everyday and think, 'why are we together, you could do so much better'. I know I have self esteem issues, but I feel like my partner loves me more then I love him! Please let me know what you guys think. I'm sick of these negative thoughts always getting in the way and attacking our relationship!
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replied August 29th, 2012
Are any of you on birth control? I was an emotional wreck this last December... had the same exact feelings run through my head. I stopped taking my birth control and things got amazingly better. I love my boyfriend to death and these thoughts were killing me! I felt hopeless and insecure. This lasted for a few months in addition to my first panic attack while I was driving. My situation is based off of hormones, which most doctors pretend it is not. My suggestion would be to get off of your birth control (may be worse the week before your period but it is soooo worth it!). I wont touch another pill for the the rest of my life. My doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant, but I was not depressed! I took 1 and it made me feel horrible... I took a plan-b pill last month which that nasty little pill is packed with hormones, and that dark cloud came back. When I get super sad I read blogs and forums like this one. It always helps knowing you are not alone. If anyone feels like this may be what is causing your depression/horrible leach-like thoughts, follow my advice. You can email me also if you would like Very Happy
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replied August 29th, 2012
Yes I am! I'm only 17 so I'm real iffy about going off birth control and trying some of the other alternatives! Now that you mentioned it, I have previously blamed the birth control for this but thought I was just over thinking. So I'm not sure if I should stay on this and just put up with it or change to something else? What do you suggest? Thanks so much!! Smile
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replied August 31st, 2012
I think you should give it a shot... I tried going to my doctor and telling her that I thought it was the birth control and she brushed it off. When I got off of it, the week after was horrible, but as the weeks went on I felt that empty feeling go away. I was literally making myself sick (not eating, IBS type of issues). It took awhile but IT IS SOO WORTH IT! Now we use condoms.. Its not the nicest thing, but I would take it any day over what I went through. You can try changing to something else specially if you think that condoms won't work for you. I guess it just depends on how patient you are.

already said this above, but just stressing my point about the hormones thing...

I am 23 and have been off of birth control for about 9 months, Last month I messed up and had to take Plan B - The same kind of thoughts that you are experiencing, I am going through as well right now. Do I really love my boyfriend? OF COURSE I DO! What if I cheated on him? NEVER WOULD! I actually spoke to him last night and told him everything that I was thinking... And told him that I know this is not me... That this is really hard to control my feelings. On this forum look up depression and birth control or anxiety and birth control and see the correlation... If it helps, have your bf read them with you so he understands a little bit better. It helps having someone to talk to about this stuff.

I really hope this helps you.
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replied August 31st, 2012
Thoughts
Well the good news is wer not the only ones going through it and we all say our partners are our world.What I've been doing is telling myself these are only depression thoughts and not reality.I think to myself if I was really unhappy I would of ended my relationship by now and also why do I have fun with my partner and tell myself I love him. I think the fact we hate these thoughts and are trying to fight them shows exactly how much we do love our partners and are happy with our life's.I even thought of the worst man I knew somebody I literally cannot stand and thought u deserve to be with somebody like that not my boyfriend and even started believing these thoughts and I cant stand the person I thought of he makes me skin crawl.I also have OCD and depression which makes my thoughts go around my head constantly.If anybody is feeling the same you should mention this to your doctor as OCD is a main reason for bad thoughts and to also have depression makes it much worse and is a nasty cocktail. I also feel chatting on here also helps as you realise your not the only one going through this.Just try and remember these are not ur real thoughts x x
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replied November 8th, 2012
your story gave me hope.. I have most of the same things happening to me I keep telling myself I don't love my bf and that he's ugly and things like this and it's crazy cause I never had these thoughts before I just woke up one day and it was random I Ave also had the whole other guy thing to like you think some guys cute and it beats you up cause it's just another reason to tell yourself you don't love them.. me I'd like to know if you did anything that helped cause right know is a bad time cause I was just thinking about giving in and letting him go.. me I want so bad for things to be the way they use to...I want to be able to feel the emotions again.. I want to love him but I feel and keep convincing myself I don't.. me I'd love your help.
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replied November 8th, 2012
your story gave me hope.. I have most of the same things happening to me I keep telling myself I don't love my bf and that he's ugly and things like this and it's crazy cause I never had these thoughts before I just woke up one day and it was random I Ave also had the whole other guy thing to like you think some guys cute and it beats you up cause it's just another reason to tell yourself you don't love them.. me I'd like to know if you did anything that helped cause right know is a bad time cause I was just thinking about giving in and letting him go.. me I want so bad for things to be the way they use to...I want to be able to feel the emotions again.. I want to love him but I feel and keep convincing myself I don't.. me I'd love your help.
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replied November 15th, 2012
I can totally sympathise with a lot of this. Before my depression I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my boyfriend was the one and that I loved him. And depression has made me question everything and analyse everything. I question if I still love him or that I love him and I'm not in love with him. But I really want nothing more than to be with him and to be happy so I hope that the fact that I want this to work is a good sign and that it's just my depression making me feel like this.
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replied November 15th, 2012
Depression should not be taken lightly, you shouldn't underestimate it. Depression can be worse than any other diseases out there. Take it from a person who's in a pretty bad stage of depression since 3+ years. Why is it worse? I've come to understand a bit how human/mind body works. Mind has control over the body so, basically, if your mind is strong enough, you can pass through any physical illness. But since depression is an illness that affects your mind, then everything gets hard and complicated. There's no point to continue with this part now, i just wanted to give some people an idea since they can't seem to understand depression.
Now, for the original poster, JS1189. I guess i've come late with a reply (almost an year), but if you are still around and still need help, even though is not much, i hope my words can do something.
I can't fully undestand you since i haven't experienced what you have but i guess i do share some of your feelings. Nowadays, it's normal to have fear of loss when you have something priceless in your life. There are ways to counter these negative thoughts but they are never easy. The best way to do it is to make your mind busy with stuff you enjoy. When you have a negative thought, you just need to replace it with a good one or at least with something not as bad. Hobbies help (sports especially), spending time with people you care for and most important , try to always have someone around. Depression always kicks in when you are alone. Visiting therapists is probably good but i can't know for sure. For me i don't think it would, they can't tell me things i don't already know and i can't trust them if they are experienced or not. There are people who got worse by visiting therapists because they (the therapists) were inexperienced. Also, another advice: do not take medications (pills), i've never trusted them. They don't do anything good for you. If you think you got cured of something by taking pills, that's just your autosuggestion (autosugesstion can make miracles happen). Pills=chemicals (yes, even those who are labeled "natural, made of plants") and chemicals are never good.
About your thoughts of cheating, don't worry about it, it happens to everyone. You can't control your own thoughts so easy. As long as you don't act, no harm is done. So don't feel guilty about it. You are not a bad person.
It's normal to have doubts of yourself, not everyone is strong. You only need someone to always tell you "i am here for you". I wish everyone had it.
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replied December 6th, 2012
Help
Hello am 20 and right now i dont want to contuine my life i have a baby who is 13 months and about 7 months ago something came in my mind that i cant even remember but my mind is obsession over it and making me feel like am a pedo every second i think am a pedo its killing me i cant bond with my girl help me!!!!!!!!!
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replied April 21st, 2013
Inner Peace!
The mind is so powerful and complex that you never really know what is going on in there. The best thing you can do is make sure you look after yourself by eating healthily, taking vitamins (which with all our bad eating habits, most people don't get enough of) exercising and meditating (which is amazing once you start to practice it!) I live in a place where there isn't a great deal of sun and warmth and that really affects me! I've been on and off anti-depressants for ten years and am also an ex drug addict so I know what it feels like to loathe yourself and feel so low that you want to kill yourself. What I have discovered is that instead of the anti-depressants, I switched to a high dose of niacin (vitamin B, google it) and it has really helped. Not all the way of course but speaking to a professional helps and doing group therapy with similar people also has a positive affect! It's about thinking positively, something which seems near impossible when you are depressed, but with practice begins to make a difference. Remember that a lot of doctors are trying to reach targets with all these medications they hand out, so do your own research into what pills they are suggesting and be sure that's the road you want to go down. Thanks to advertising, the media, mind numbing T.V and just general daily life, most people feel depressed so just remember you are not alone. I hope you find inner peace and know that while anti-depressants may dampen the symptoms they do not take them away! I am very against them as I feel they have made life harder for me personally in the long run. I wish you all the best and always remember you are totally unique and amazing no matter what your negative 'self' tells you! x
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replied August 17th, 2013
i have trouble with these negative thoughts as well. it bothers me so much. these thought feel as thought they are poured into my head and are constantly in the background of my life. i try hard so that they cannot effect me and who i am. i feel as though they are completely separate from who i am. hateful and really messed up freaking thought. when i was about ten, i saw a show on tv about rape, and i couldn't get it out of my head, i was constantly terrified by these thoughts of rape tearing into my mind. of course i never felt the actual urge of raping someone, but the concept was torturing me. i just could not stop thinking about it. and now, as of late i have started thinking about racism. it makes me want to cry, i feel like a monster. i feel like i cannot live normally anymore. i am socially awkward because of these terrible thoughts. i spend a couple minutes every 30 or so minutes, sometimes longer or shorter going back and forth in my head, am i a bad person? no! yes! no, here's why! yes, here's why! please help me, i need to cleanse my self of these thoughts.
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replied August 17th, 2013
i have trouble with these negative thoughts as well. it bothers me so much. these thought feel as thought they are poured into my head and are constantly in the background of my life. i try hard so that they cannot effect me and who i am. i feel as though they are completely separate from who i am. hateful and really messed up freaking thought. when i was about ten, i saw a show on tv about rape, and i couldn't get it out of my head, i was constantly terrified by these thoughts of rape tearing into my mind. of course i never felt the actual urge of raping someone, but the concept was torturing me. i just could not stop thinking about it. and now, as of late i have started thinking about racism. it makes me want to cry, i feel like a monster. i feel like i cannot live normally anymore. i am socially awkward because of these terrible thoughts. i spend a couple minutes every 30 or so minutes, sometimes longer or shorter going back and forth in my head, am i a bad person? no! yes! no, here's why! yes, here's why! please help me, i need to cleanse my self of these thoughts.
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replied August 17th, 2013
HEY
JWSC, i think you're really good person, just keep your mind busy off this thoughts, don't try to solve them. You're definitely not racist if it bothers you.
Find something that distract you and you'll be fine
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