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I am not okay.

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December 18th, 2011
Hi everyone,

I am not okay. If anyone would converse with me, you might just save my life.

While I am not having thoughts of suicide... I am having thoughts like I don't care about myself, I don't matter to myself, I am a lost couse in my own heart. I have never felt loved, cared for, or valued to any great extent. My parents used and emotionally abused and neglected me. I feel alone, I just want to feel loved and valued and appreciated.

I don't know what to say. I am 19, and in the Air Force and do a good job therein, and will continue to do so. But I don't know for how much longer I can feel alone like this and not do something drastic.

There is more I could talk about, but I don't really care right now, about myself or anything. And why should I, it feels like no one cares about me?
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justfyi
replied December 18th, 2011
I believe love is the answer. Start reading how to meet people on a genuine basis. Presenting yourself falsely will only lead to a false relationship so spend some time learning about yourself and how to create healthy, lasting, and authentic relationships.
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TheRansom
replied December 19th, 2011
Thanks, yeah. A couple weeks ago I scheduled piano lessons for myself, and tonight was the best lesson yet. Playing makes me feel confident in myself, and I think it's gonna help a lot. People in my life have told me that last bit before, to learn about myself before I can commit to any kind of healthy relationship... I'm working on it as best I can, still feel lonely at times... like last night. Good advice, I certainly don't want to start anything that's false.
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christalvillage
replied December 27th, 2011
drops of love
first of all. you WILL find peace and love and acceptance. this is hard, i know i have been there. but you WILL find it. and the air force. WOW and you are only 19, good for you. so many ghreat things about y ou. is there a local social worker or therapist you can go to for help working through this loneliness? music music music. it is magic sometimes. as well as helping others...it is ironic how when you want for yourself and help someone else....YOU feel better. random acts of kindness (even if you feel they aren't being returned, do it anyway). i read a book once that said it is the little drops of love we find in life that help us through the hard times. you will find them. believe.
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TheRansom
replied December 27th, 2011
Hi. I have been seeing a therapist here on base since October. She's a lot of help but I only get to see her once a week.

Music Smile I signed up for piano lessons back in November. I played percussion in high school, and was pretty good - I've played some challenging four-mallet marimba stuff. I find it helps me express myself, and I wanted to get back to that. The lessons are going okay; I'm also learning music as I can.

Today I helped someone at work and definitely made myself feel good, listening to others is a good skill of mine.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I say "pretty alright" nowadays. Maybe that true, I still feel sad, especially about my parents. But I'm going to try and not let that stop me.

Thanks.
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