I am just so lonely..

I'm a 16 year old girl and I pretty much gave up on trying a while back and my life hasn't really gone anywhere. I've been dealing with depression for a very long time. I had suicidal thoughts at 10 years old. And I guess you could say I've been through a lot in my short amount of time in this life. Right now I'm not enrolled in school, I work 5 days a week and I live with my mother. I didn't grow up with her. The family I grew up with would be my nan, brother and grandfather. But because of my idiotic choices I cut myself out of that picture, and it hurts me to the very core everyday. I don't have any friends at all. The ones I did have I cut ties with because I wanted to start making better decisions. And now I am very lonely. I have so much sadness inside I know I've been pushing down for a long time now, and I'm positive it will be too much soon.

I'm not really sure what I should do, I have anxiety and depression and I just feel so separated from everyone else, I feel like my mind just doesn't work the same way, I don't fit in with anyone. I did have a best friend and I was certain she was my other half. Her and I were just meant to be friends, and we spent 5 good years as friends together until my life fell apart, that was when I lost everything.

Right now is a hard time for me because Christmas is in a few days and I've been dreading it. Now that I can't share it with my family It just brings me pain. I guess all I could ask for right now is a friend, or my old best friend back.. I don't have anyone I can relate to or just have fun with.. It's so lonely by myself all the time. I'm afraid I'll always be alone like this. I'm not even going to begin on my emotional issues, no man could ever want someone as defective as me. But anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just sad and I needed to talk, whether anyone hears it or not.