Bipolar Disorder Forum - Hypersexuality and infidelity

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Q: Hypersexuality and infidelity

asked by: PaBrokenHart on August 18th, 2009

New User

Hi everyone,

This is my first post so please reply. Wink

Ok here goes... A year ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. I had been dating her for 8 years and married for one, we had just had our first child and just bought our first house, when she began cheating (physically)
My wife is the girl next door type, very innocent, always puts everyone else first, and very sensitive. Or so I thought, It turns out she had been lying to me our whole relationship, first about how many guys she had been with and teh specifics. Basically she has never said no to any guy who wanted to have sex with her, even if she didn't find them attractive. Shhe was faithful to me until her father passed away and she put on a lot of weight. She became depressed and begane chatting online then meeting guys. Fortunately or maybe not at this point it didn't become physical and I almost caught her so she backed off. She continued chatting and having cybersex etc, until right before our honeymoon (while 5 months pregnant) she met a guy she had been talking to for years (who previously said she was too fat, but now said he would hook up with her cuz she lost weight for our wedding) She met him and they kissed. Fast forward a year we have our son and she is still talking to the guy. They decide to meet at her work and have sex, she meets him and a few other guys over the next few months. During this time she goes out of her way to have sex and even give head (which she hates doing)and yet I sit at homeliterally sexually deprived.I catch her and she tries to lie and I drag it out of her, turns out she is like a pathological liar. She tells me it was like she was someone else and she felt like she was out of control and so sexy, etc.. I tell her I want a divorce and she taks suicide and ends up in a hospital where she is diagnosed Bipolar. She swears she will never cheat again her doctors tell me she was truly out of control, I want to forgive her and I have been trying but it's been a year and I just can't. I think the reason this is hard for me is I have questions.

So question 1. Could she be hypersual but not for me? Literally I had to beg for a quickie while she was spending hours with men who she says were not very attractive. (I am a good looking guy) Even though she swears sex with me is the best she has ever had and I know its good. (I understand forbidden sex, provides a rush in it self)IS that normal with hypersexuality or is she lying?

Question 2. Can I truly believe she will never do it again and she feels as disgusted by it as she says? ( I have been watching like a hawk and have key loggers on all our computers. She has been good so far)

Question 3. Is this really Bipolar and hypersexuality? (She also was on a nasty spending spree during this time and binge eating)

Any help is greatly appreciated. I wanna save my marriage and I wanna believe she can be who I thought she was.

Replies(28)

W0LF

replied on August 18th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

Hey PaBrokenHart
I'm sorry to hear how things have fallen out for you. I have some of the answers you're asking about.

1. I'm honestly not very well read on the specifics of Bipolar Hypersexuality but most compulsive sexual disorders tend to drive people to extremes of sex. The compulsion isn't satisfied by sex that is normal or safe. Also it's not unusual for people who cheat to cut off intimacy with their partner out of the shame they feel for their behavior.
2. No, you should expect this will happen again. She has a disorder, she's getting treatment but it's not like a sprained ankle. Her disorder could be incorrectly medicated, it could resurface without warning. She didn't want to cheat on you the first time, not wanting hasn't stopped her. You may have to accept that doing her best to fight her disorder is all that she can do.
3. Hypersexuality is a Bipolar side effect. Not all Bipolar sufferers have it but it's not very uncommon. It is usually part of a course of disruptive and disconcerting behaviors but certainly it could be the most dynamic part of her disorder.

Let me say this. She couldn't help herself from needing sexual attention and needing to take sexual risks but no part of her disorder prevented her from being honest with you about what she was going through or getting help. You say she was dishonest about her sexual history, also not part of her disorder. It's understandable she may be ashamed of her problem but your marriage should be bigger than either of your problems. Honesty about her disorder and the progress of her treatment is going to have to be a feature of the relationship you both are comfortable with from here on out if this is going to work.

You can't use a keystroke logger to spy on your wife, can't check her phone records, can't hire a detective to trail her. It's disrespectful to you both. If you can't trust your wife you are just riding things out until the divorce. It's not reasonable for you to expect her to be who you thought she was, that woman was a lie. You are married to the woman you are married to. Before you make a decision you should do your best to learn about the woman you married, maybe she's a better person than you thought.

PaBrokenHart

replied on August 19th, 2009

New User

Thank you for your reply.

1understand

replied on August 20th, 2009

New User

Hope this helps a little

Dear PaBrokenHart,
I am right there with you. I dated the girl next door type who is everything and more like you said. I married her and have been married for 4 years. I recently deployed for my 3rd tour of 15 months and in the last 3 my wife cheated on me. When I came back she lied and tried to get me mad enough for either me to leave her or her to leave me. I finally caught her text messages and proved that she was cheating. Trust me when I say the last few months have been the worst in my life. Well after a lot of book reading on Bipolar, and counseling we have realized that it was her Bipolar mania episode that provoked the problems, and since the doctor that diagnosed her didn't educate her or tell her to educate herself she didn't know the warning signs and was happy because she was carefree in her mania. I would love to punch that doctor out. One thing I have realized during all my educating about bipolar is no matter how much she wanted to be with the guy when I came back she chose to stick with me. Your wife may be in a manic phase but she continually comes back to you so that is a positive. I am also with you on the sex issue. I haven't been with my wife sexually since I went back to Iraq in Jan. Ever since then when I came back in June she hasn't wanted to be with me. One thing for sure is that you have to take care of you. Yea masturbating is a temp fix but nothing compares to the physical bond you share with the one you love during sex. I would recommend sharing your issues with your wife in a calm manner when you feel she is in a stable mood. I also advise you to take some classes on sex. Nothing against you but I know I have been studying like a dog so that when my wife is ready to be with me it is going to be unforgettable for her, and good sex is remembered. Just be careful because even though she is ready half way through she might want to stop and if you don't I will remind you that bad sex is remembered more than good.I hope and pray for you and your family and wish you all the patience in the world because I know I need it and reading your letter it seems you do too.
Take care.
David

SGhering

replied on August 22nd, 2009

New User

Brother I know your pain. My wife is bipolar and went into this huge depression fit about two weeks ago. Unfortunatley, her mother lives with us and has legal custody of my wife when she goes into these things. I don't know if my wife is cheating or not. I know she likes to chat with other guys and now that her mom made me move out (house was in her name), I am stuck wondering and worrying. All I can do is just suck it up and pray God is with me. Keep the faith man and don't hesitate to hit me up if you need someone to talk to. It sucks man, trust me.

PaBrokenHart

replied on August 24th, 2009

New User

Thanks for the replys guys.

David, Thanks for your story man. A little advice you way if I may... From reading about Bipolar which I have been doing alot of regardless of recognizing the signs if she is not medicated and medicated properly she will not be able to control her mania phases. Make sure she gets on a mood stabalizer and seeks continuous counseling. As for the sex, me and my wife have sex now and it is great sex, she wants me now and truly has changed or has made me believe she has changed. Your situation seems much harder mine so I truly appreciate you trying to help me. You seem to be a stronger man than me and I hope every thing works out for you, also Thanks for serving. ;o)

SGhering... I hope things work out man and I hope she is not cheating. I guess just give it time and hang in there too.

Paheartbroken

replied on September 12th, 2009

New User

I know how all you guys are feeling, I begged my wife to go to the doctor, but she wouldn't. Then I filed for divorce, after 6 months of hell, then she decided to go, and she said she had bipolar, but she never stopped having contact with the guy she was cheating on me with. Then I find out now she is in a relationship with this guy. It's sad that she would go get fixed for this guy and she wouldn't do it for our family. Now my son is in a broken home. The strange thing is she still isn't right, because since she left she ask me to forgive her and work it out four times but a week later she's yelling at me and like a different person. I just hope you guys have a better outcome then me. I am still having sad feelings about it I been seeing a counseler for a year now. I have guilt, maybe if I just would have waited a little longer.

Confused_InLove

replied on September 13th, 2009

New User

Pat its the disorder don't blame yourself. Today was my wedding day. My fiance left me 2 months ago, No fights, No problems, She just became depressed and decided I will get off my meds (Lexipro) and then it all fell apart. She doesn't mean what she is doing, its the disorder. Don't take it personal. It will drive you crazy, I'm in Havana, Cuba with friends celbrating (well not really) my anti wedding, as I couldn't stay home during my wedding day. There are many of us in your same shoes, its the disorder the bipolar people can't help what they are doing to us.

PaBrokenHart