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Husband won't touch me, hates oral sex--why??

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Hey all,

There's another one I'd like to ask about that really has me baffled.

Simply put, during sex or otherwise, my husband will not touch or come near (well, any more than he has to to start intercourse )my vagina, clitoris, the whole area. When we start sex, there's no warmup at all, he just puts his penis in very quickly-- and once he's done he's out and already in the bathroom cleaning up before I know what's going on! He WILL touch my breasts, massage and suck them without any reluctance at all, but for some reason that's about all he's comfortable with.

In the past he's touched me, but each time seemed a bit shy about it. I thought that was a little surprising, since as a woman I thought that men lived for this kind of thing, but I didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want to do. But last week after yet another time where he avoided my vaginal area completely--this was after I had bought some Zestra, and asked him to rub it on me, thinking that would be a turn on--I asked him point blank what the problem was, and he said that he didn't like the way my vaginal fluid felt on his fingers.

I thought that he meant the Zestra oil, but after further questioning he said that he didn't like to have my natural fluid felt, that he couldn't stand to have any type of baby oil or cream on his fingers outside the bedroom and that is what it felt like to him.

He has also always balked at oral sex, he did try it a couple of times before with me but then said he didn't like it at all because it "tasted funny".

So, we tried having sex immediately after a bath or shower, and he still seemed queasy of the idea. I even went to my gyno for tests, just to make sure there weren't any yeast or other infections that I didn't know about. Everything came back fine.

I'm at a loss as what to do. Sex just feels so one sided this way. Sure, I could masterbate, but when I do it feels extremely dissapointing (at times I can't even orgasm from it) for the simple fact it's not what I want and need to feel fullfilled. What I want is my husband to feel comfortable touching me, because I feel very dirty, ugly and "bad" when he doesn't--like there's something wrong with me.

What can I do?
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First Helper Ladymas
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replied June 6th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Wow, this is a new one. Like you, I think that men normally love the slippery feeling. It is a sign that they can still turn their partners on. But then every human is different and is influenced by different things in their lives. We all have different fobias and likes and dislikes. Even though he does not like the feeling of slippery 'stuff' on his fingers, he should still enjoy the experience of pleasuring you, and his desire for that should be stronger than his dislikes. The primary advice should be for him to seek therapy for his phobia. Maybe couple therapy.

Did you sit down with him and explained to him what you need? Emotionally and physically? How what he does makes you feel? Have you shown him what your vulva and vagina looks like in a non sexual unthreatening way. Explained to him how you like to be touched and where? Maybe he is really just extremely shy and unknowledgable. Men does after all not get born with this knowledge and compared to a penis, our sexuality is like a nuclear power plant in complexity. And if you do not tell him, how will he ever find out?

Aside from seeking some psychological help, you can try to manage it. It sounds like you are already on that course. If you do not shave, find out if that will make a difference, you can have sex in the shower or bath where the sensation on his fingers will be totally different.

He can rub your clitoris without entering your vagina and you can get a sex toy that he can use on you. Either an insertable one or a small clitoral vibrator.

You can try to take the lead. Get on top where you can rub on him and touch yourself before inserting his penis. You can ask him if he would mind holding you while you masturbate. Explain to him that you crave the intimacy and that sex with him would be your first choice but until such time as he feels comfortable, you would like the intimacy with him while you orgasm.

Some men does not like oral sex, just like some women do not like to perform oral sex. There is no reason to force him to like oral sex. it is never going to be a happy thing, so just accept that that is not going to be a fun thing unless something changes.

His reaction can also be because of some other earlier experience, not with you.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and how long have you been married? It does not sound like you ever experience orgasm during intercourse? How does he take care of his own sexual needs?

As a grown woman, you are entitled to sexual pleasure. It is as much a part of your well being as eating, breathing and exercising. About 50% of women never experience orgasm from partner sex. This is even with their parners not having the problems you have. It is important that you take care of your needs. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or failed when you masturbate. That should be some quality time you spend with yoursel,f for yourself. It is not there to please anybody else or conform to some social norms. It is your very own pleasure time and you are fully entitled to it. Spoil yourself with some personal lubricant and a sex toy and enjoy it knowing that it does not take anything away from your marriage. Get some erotic reading material if you like that, and fantasize. It is true that it does not provide the intimacy that you need, but it does provide you with the sexual relief while you work your problems out.
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replied September 15th, 2012
My husband lost interest in sex, and literally ,he won't even touch me, yet, he says ,he loves me , wants to spend his life with me. He has totally no ..... He does sometimes like for me to perform orally on him but he does not climax this way. He never has, and trust me it's .... He has left us again. Says he just feels numb towards me, can't handle kids (even tho they very good kids), hates himself, has no interest in sex whatsoever and is basically just a sad lost broken man.
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replied July 2nd, 2011
I have had the same problem. When I was younger it did not matter, I knew it but it was not an issue. He would touch me hard and fast to get me ready, then we would move on to other things. He still does not like to, but lately he has become much more considerate and tries. I just can't get over the fact that it grosses him out, even though he says it doesn't. Regarding oral sex this is a trick you can try: Put your favorite flavor of jello powder and mix in enough water that it just barely dissolves. Use a clean makeup brush (wash and use a little bleach water) and dab it over the part you want sucked, etc. He finds that this helps him and I like to do the same on his penis. Yum. He is a very considerate and generous man, and he has tried. I know that it doesn't look attractive to him, etc. so even though he does oral, it always feels like he wants to get it over with. I am finding it harder to have an orgasm as I get older and it has become difficult for me to get past the distaste he has for the look, feel, taste, etc. The jello does help and I appreciate him for caring and trying.
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replied July 4th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Anything flavored or sweetened can cause major yest infection issues.
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replied July 6th, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
gayatri29; hi, u did not speak about u performing oral sex on your husband; do u, if not why
good luck
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User Profile
replied July 10th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi Gayatri and my husbandlovesmebut: Have you tried some Porn?...Something to awaken his sexual urges...What you speak about are big stumbling blocks that people who are considering marrying should think about...That being that people do not change...If anything, many get more laid back after marriage or commitment...We knew that we were the same...I would never have married him if I was not sexually fulfilled...This is big in a relationship...

Try and work it out even if you have to pry him with a couple of drinks...Very often people will lose their inhibitions this way...My best to you...Take care...

Caroline
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replied July 21st, 2011
We are aware of the hazards of the sweeteners. Other options might be a commercial flavored jel, but we like the jello and it has not been an issue. We do bathe, both before and after.
We have been enjoying porno movies, sex toys and drink our fair share since we were married (37 years ago). We have discussed his distaste (which he denies) for years. I need to get past this myself as it bothers him that I feel this way and after so many years I don't think a person can just put something like that out of his mind and I know he tries to act like he is ok with it. Perhaps I need to value other things that he does and move on. I agree that people rarely changed an ingrained feeling. That is a small part of our sex life, but it is more difficult for me now to achieve anything earth-shattering. Probably this is due to age, etc. I cannot think of any way that I can get him to pay more attention to my needs. We talk, drink, smoke, watch movies, etc. I could withhold from him, but it turns me on to turn him on and he loves it that I can deep throat among other things that might be outside the box for some folks. I appreciate the comments. It is good to vent here rather than at him. Thanks.
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User Profile
replied July 27th, 2011
Experienced User
kristigraham wrote:
Wow, this is a new one. Like you, I think that men normally love the slippery feeling. It is a sign that they can still turn their partners on. But then every human is different and is influenced by different things in their lives. We all have different fobias and likes and dislikes. Even though he does not like the feeling of slippery 'stuff' on his fingers, he should still enjoy the experience of pleasuring you, and his desire for that should be stronger than his dislikes. The primary advice should be for him to seek therapy for his phobia. Maybe couple therapy.

Did you sit down with him and explained to him what you need? Emotionally and physically? How what he does makes you feel? Have you shown him what your vulva and vagina looks like in a non sexual unthreatening way. Explained to him how you like to be touched and where? Maybe he is really just extremely shy and unknowledgable. Men does after all not get born with this knowledge and compared to a penis, our sexuality is like a nuclear power plant in complexity. And if you do not tell him, how will he ever find out?

Aside from seeking some psychological help, you can try to manage it. It sounds like you are already on that course. If you do not shave, find out if that will make a difference, you can have sex in the shower or bath where the sensation on his fingers will be totally different.

He can rub your clitoris without entering your vagina and you can get a sex toy that he can use on you. Either an insertable one or a small clitoral vibrator.

You can try to take the lead. Get on top where you can rub on him and touch yourself before inserting his penis. You can ask him if he would mind holding you while you masturbate. Explain to him that you crave the intimacy and that sex with him would be your first choice but until such time as he feels comfortable, you would like the intimacy with him while you orgasm.

Some men does not like oral sex, just like some women do not like to perform oral sex. There is no reason to force him to like oral sex. it is never going to be a happy thing, so just accept that that is not going to be a fun thing unless something changes.

His reaction can also be because of some other earlier experience, not with you.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and how long have you been married? It does not sound like you ever experience orgasm during intercourse? How does he take care of his own sexual needs?

As a grown woman, you are entitled to sexual pleasure. It is as much a part of your well being as eating, breathing and exercising. About 50% of women never experience orgasm from partner sex. This is even with their parners not having the problems you have. It is important that you take care of your needs. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or failed when you masturbate. That should be some quality time you spend with yoursel,f for yourself. It is not there to please anybody else or conform to some social norms. It is your very own pleasure time and you are fully entitled to it. Spoil yourself with some personal lubricant and a sex toy and enjoy it knowing that it does not take anything away from your marriage. Get some erotic reading material if you like that, and fantasize. It is true that it does not provide the intimacy that you need, but it does provide you with the sexual relief while you work your problems out.

agreed
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replied August 17th, 2011
This will sound awful, but do you have a strong odour at all that you may not be aware of? I only ask because my husband hated going down on his x because she smelt bad all the time. She was a clean girl, but her vagina just smelt terrible apparently. He couldnt stand it? Please dont be offended. But he was to nice to tell her. She couldnt understand why he wouldnt do oral at all. Good luck.
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replied September 27th, 2011
I have some bad news for you. There is NOTHING you can do to improve the sex life between you and your husband. Yes, I know there are a lot of people who will disagree with me, and who will think I'm being pessimistic. I'm not -- I'm being REALISTIC. I speak from experience, and I've got more years behind me than I do ahead of me, and I'm telling you the truth. The suggestions people are making are good intentioned, but unfortunately, they will not work. It's heartbreaking, I know. Believe me, I KNOW! Your problem is one of the things I've cried many tears over in my own life.
Be a pragmatist. Weigh the pros and cons of remaining married to your husband. If the pros outweigh the cons, then next decide how important it is to you to have GOOD sex in your life. If it's important, then engage in safe and discreet extramarital sex. Or you can make the choice I made: become an asexual being who lives without sexual fulfillment. It's not so hard to live this way anymore...... I've found other things to occupy me, and I rarely think about what I'm missing -- until today, that is, when I started thinking about it, and did an internet search on men who don't like oral sex...... I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad (but TRUE) news. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best.
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replied January 31st, 2012
My husband was the same way that you are describing. We have been married almost 4 years now...for the first 2 years of our marriage, he didn't want anything to do with oral sex when it came to me. I was getting frustrated and a million things were going through my head. Finally, I decided to quit blaming myself. I knew there was nothing wrong with me at all, this was HIS issue. I decided that if he wasn't going to perform oral sex on me, then I was done allowing him to reap the benefits of one-sided sexual gratification. I didn't really care to perform oral sex on him, but I did it because he loved it and it turned him on. Well, long story short, I quit pleasing him...it lasted about a month. We still had sex, but NOTHING else. He came around, magically, and now our sex life is amazing and definitely two-sided. Witholding might not be the best suggestion (especially if you're a guy), but I stuck to my guns and it worked. However, it is NOT okay just to ignore it or move on, because it will always creep up in the back of your mind and cause a lot of resentment towards him, sooner or later...Good Luck!
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replied June 9th, 2012
Boyfriend has NEVER touched vagina
It has been like this from the beginning for my boyfriend and I. At first I was thinking we are just getting used to each other, he's a little quirky, our first ten or so encounters were based around really hot, charged up texts (we worked together at the time) so when we saw each other it was more of a 'let's just get right down to it' kind of scenario.
But then I got the hotel room to be able to take our time and not have to rush and he still kept to the same method. He would not touch my vagina anywhere at all, would not feel my breasts at all and if he would kiss me it was a mess. And if anybody could be a Porn King it would be this guy. At the time what irritated me most was that he only would have sex in the doggy style position. This is normally my favorite but some variety is nice. I started to get self-conscious about myself that he didn't want to see what the rest of me looked like (I'm delightfully curvy).
That work relationship lasted about 6 months and we both left the company and saw each other still here and there. Finally got back together a year and a half ago and I thought that the sex itself would be enough, it usually is. But I would always tell him kissing and fingers turn me on the most and he would never respond. About a month ago, we had a huge fight and I finally was going to find out why he wouldn't touch me and he said its not his thing, he doesn't like touching vaginas. He never touches my breast still although every porno or picture he drools over is of women will boobs up to their chin, out to their elbow and being bounced up with their knee. AND no lie, my sex is twice daily (can't complain there) but its the exact same position - on our sides, him from behind.

Recap:
Does not touch Vagina EVER
Does not touch Breasts EVER
Does not kiss me on mouth EVER
Has only done one position EVER

Things will not change. I'm 38, he's 35. I've broken up with him, there's more to life than that seriously ONE TRICK PONY.
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replied September 12th, 2012
I have a similar problem with my partner. He is also a 'one trick pony' who doesn't appear to want to kiss, touch (apart from the odd nipple tweek!), caress (maybe stroke my back now and then),or do anything where he says he gets nothing out of it..
He doesnt struggle to get aroused first thing in the morning, but can easily ignore an erection and cant maintain it if his concentration wanders. We have no-frill sex maybe once every 4-6 weeks, but he love oral and I attend to that particular need 4 or 5 times a week.
I know he loves me, but I dont understand why he doesnt want to touch me, even though he knows he hurts me.. (he just says that I over-analyse it and there isnt a problem.. not for him, there isn't!)
I have tried witholding oral sex, but he says nothing and doesn't approach me.. I have tried talking to him, but I just get upset and he won't talk to me at all..
I wish I knew what else to do...
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replied January 27th, 2013
Experienced User
I wonder how many females know that many many "hetro mucho men" have sex with gay men on the sly. I'm a gay 70yo man, and could not count the amount of married men i have seen/"met" in my gay world...so much for the smug hetro world A!! (not to mention the wife / gay bashers)
So there you have it. Thank Christ i'm gay.
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replied January 27th, 2013
Community Volunteer
In the general population that view is just not supported with any research.

Heterosexual men just do not get turned on by homosexuality or other men. And that is based on vast amounts of objective research, not questionnaires. So I am wondering if the Australian male population is different? You should also remember that for the longest time homosexuality was a definite no no, and men would hide their sexuality, and even get married to women, and have families. Especially so up to just a few years ago. This did not make these men 'straight', it just meant that they suppressed their sexuality.

It sounds like you were hurt by someone or something that happened. Did you seek help to get over it?
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replied January 27th, 2013
Experienced User
No, i don't have any problems with either gender, nor have i been subject to any hurt from either gender...where do you get off assuming about me as per your posting''regarding heterosexual men, many of them will stick their penis into a gay mouth or bum or any other thing.."OBJECTIVE RESEARCH"?? where did you find that??, on a site such as this..I'm now 70yo and totally gay and could not count over all those years how many hetro **** i have had.
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replied January 27th, 2013
Community Volunteer
Objective research vs. subjective. So monitoring something and analyzing the data, not sending out surveys or questionnaires. There are many many many such studies in the last 20 years as drugs that stimulate libido, erections, and orgasms and arousals have been studied over and over and over again.

If a heterosexual man engages in homosexual sex, he is by definition not heterosexual. So you are only stating the obvious. In gay clubs and bars, men have sex with each other. The fact that a guy is married does not determine his sexuality. Due to the discrimination against the homosexual community until recently, some men kept their sexual orientation a secret and led double lives.

How 'manly' a man is also does not say a whole lot. Gay men can even be found in elegiac fighting units around the world. These men will definitely pass the test for being 'manly'.

I am sorry if you think 'I get off on you'. From the aggression in a number of your posts it is clear that something is bothering you. Either that, or English is not your first language. If that is the case, I am sorry. Else find out what is bothering you and do something about it. Life is to short to be bitter and resentful.
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replied January 27th, 2013
Experienced User
Ok..have you not ever heard that a stiff penis has no conscience? ....and do you actually believe that strait men won't let a gay man suck their penis ?...LOL .... think again.
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replied January 28th, 2013
Lol He wouldn't be straight if he let another
man suck him off. lol
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replied December 15th, 2013
This is sad. I can speak from many years of experience being with similar men.

I met my ex husband when I was 19 (he was 31) and he told me on our second date that he didn''t like giving oral sex because he thought vaginas were gross. Now mind you this was only the 2nd date and long before we even had sex.

He was weird in general, loved porn (nasty **** like a** to mouth and anal, also teens) and would use it several times a week, he also had tons of tapes of scenes that he recorded from movies stashed under our bed. He also broke several of our computers with viruses from downloaded porn and had his identity stolen multiple time as a result. Our sex life was never good, I initiated sex every time we did have it (once every 3 or 4 months) and it was always the same thing, me giving him a bj until I was wet enough and him lasting about 30 seconds. He never ever lasted over a minute not once in our 6 year
relationship. He never kissed me or touched me anywhere, of course never returned the favor, never asked if I was satisfied
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replied December 15th, 2013
Never cared really about anything but his own pleasure. 99% of the time I wouldn't even be fully nude, just pants/underwear off. I used to finish myself off in the bathroom with one of my trusty vibrators. I craved attention to my female parts and wanted to a tongue or even fingers there just once. Initially I brought it up to him about his porn habits having an effect on our real life love life (porn doesn't focus on female pleasure) our lack of sex and his complete selfishness in bed. His response was that porn is something all guys are into, he didn't have a problem, and he never had problems in the past with girls not being able to orgasm. He was dumb enough to think that just because he had a "big" penis that should be enough to compensate for his lack of effort. Needless to say it was like arguing with a brick wall, he always made
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replied December 15th, 2013
me feel like I was the one with the problem like it was normal for men to prefer pixels over the real thing and don't enjoy things like foreplay and oral sex. Silly me I'm the naive one. About 3 years into our relationship, I was ready to move on. He had just bought a ridiculously expensive house (I voiced my opinion about that bad idea too but brick wall again) and I didn't want to leave him stuck with paying the huge mortgage alone. He said his brother would be moving to the state in search of a job so I figured I would wait a few months until then to tell him I was leaving. As fate had it the 7th time (and the only time he ever initiated sex) surprise I'm pregnant! If I thought things were bad before, reality hit pretty hard. Not only was he a selfish lover, he was just a selfish person in general. I handled everything, from my daughter, to the shopping, the meals, laundry cleaning and then working graveyard shift. Ugh I don't know how I did it honestly I was pretty much a single parent. I didn't want to marry him, I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, anytime I voiced that to him he would start crying. Like bawling crying. Needless to say our marriage didn't last. The divorce was the happiest day of my life.
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replied December 15th, 2013
Fast forward to 5 years later and I'm now engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and we have a infant daughter together. Not much has changed. He is also a man who doesn't seem to like vaginas. He will actually touch mine, but its pretty rare. He's given me oral sex about 5 times in our relationship, I honestly don't really enjoy it, I can't get comfortable enough to, then the worry sets in and then he's done. My fiance is inexperienced with women, maybe it stems from that? I don't want to discuss it with him because of my experience with my ex, I don't want him to think there's something wrong with him but I feel at his age he should have a general idea of what women like. He does love receiving oral sex (I love giving it), I'm used to that being my foreplay. I haven't had a orgasm from sex since I was 17. That was 13 years ago. Oddly enough my 17 year old boyfriend then knew exactly how to get me off, what to do, say, where to touch, and put his mouth. (Ironically he had a very small penis, but was great in the sack. Otherwise my fiance is a great guy. He's loving, caring, a great provider and phenomenal father to both my girls. I feel lucky to have him for those reasons. I feel for you, I am ok with depending on toys and vibrators for my own satisfaction honestly that's probably the best its going to get. Sorry for the loong post.
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replied January 13th, 2014
I have been living with my husband's vagina phobia for 25 years. He does touch my vagina sexually but did not for 15 years. I have always been sexually relaxed and comfortable with sexuality (I was a registered nurse for 23 years)and thought that he would relax as we came to know each other. Boy was I wrong! I waited for him to relax for the first 5 years of our relationship and then I very kindly and in a matter of fact way tried to ask for what I needed for the next 5 years and then I screamed at him for 5 years and he finally started touching me. He has gone down on me 5 times in 25 years.
I have come to the conclusion that he is not just phobic about vaginas but about intimacy as well. Actually I believe that it is his fear of intimacy that is manifested in various ways one of the obvious ways being with my vagina. He really goes through great lengths to keep me at a distance.
A word of wisdom to other women - RUN - if you do not have children to be concerned about I highly advise that your relationship will not look significantly different in 10 years. These men do have a good side but intimately it is very immature sibling or parent-like relationship. They are not relating to you as a full man. This feels as though it is your fault but it is not. One last story ... we went on a month long vacation one summer....(keep in mind this was when I was feeling like there was something wrong with me) and I gave him oral sex 30 times hoping he would relax. Take heed and get out if you can.
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replied September 26th, 2014
tried swinging?
You girls are staying with these fellas for whatever reasons that are other than sex. Have you ever thought about swinging to sexually satisfy yourself? That way you can continue to be with your partner AND be sexually satisfied. Why break up a marriage if kids are involved. Your man may even learn how to have sex again.
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