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Husband Seems Not to Care

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Hi All,

My husband works a lot of overtime. I know he is not having an affair since he's a very religious man. He gives his focus to his church and his job. I got left back. Even in good times when we are talking, he doesn't really put me in the line up. Work actually comes first before church. Work comes before everything. His company had some layoffs and the guys remaining take up all the slack. However, he communicated with me that he got distracted and stayed on to solve a problem on his own last night at work. I am grateful that he has a job, worried that he works so hard, but I am deeply hurting.

My husband has seemed to forgotten that he has a family that needs his love. Our oldest son spends a lot of time sitting in front of a computer. I try to be mom and dad to him but I can't do both successfully and anytime my husband interacts with him, it's in a negative manner. Go to school. Go to bed. That's it. Not "hey, let's go see a movie son" or "let's walk the dog together" or even take an interest in learning how to play a video game. I am mom and dad to that boy right now.

I am 10 weeks out of a total knee replacement. My husband stayed home 2 weeks and did a great job caring for my physical needs. All business. Now back at work, I prepare all the meals, have to clean the house again. He does empty the dishes in the morning but doesn't load. He does no laundry, no vacuuming. He takes care of the hot tub in the backyard.

But what bothers me most is that I don't know when to have dinner ready. Though I call with reminders of "please let me know when you will be home", more often than not, it's a complete guess as to when he will arrive. Two days ago, he actually arrived home at 6 but I didn't know, though I called, he didn't call back, or at least that was not communicated to me if he called, so the family ate at 9. Yesterday, I said I'm just going to get a pizza and he said that was fine. The boys wanted fried chicken so I took a small amount left in my home biz account and paid for it..now I am tapped out again. When there was an emergency situation where we were at the hospital, dinnertime came around. I took money from his account to pay for food for the kids. I had to put it back because he got mad and so I drove around the county and made a couple of sales to earn enough to replace the money I took. He never offered to help with that. He got the money back in his account.

Which brings me to another thing. I'm on a budget. It's not enough to pay for bills and food for four people. I live on $12,000 a year. So, I have a home job and I throw everything I have into the family. My husband makes triple digit but we have kids in college and they are expensive.

The only time my husband hugs me is when he needs to. I do not feel it has anything to do with relationship because of how he acted last night, and feelings I have had before on it. I do not have intimacy with him because I don't want to be used. I want my husband to love me but I feel I'm just a handy maid and fixture he has to put up with..someone in place to watch over our youngest high school senior son's meals and his meals....when the youngest one is out, I wonder if I have a home with my husband.

The other day I did go to his home office and shared my feelings softly. He hugged me lightly but we didn't talk about it. He took a room in our home and made it his office and holes in there all the time on the computer instead of interacting with his family.

The frustration grew and last night, he showed up at 8:30 pm from work and by then, I was in tears, because I am just so tired of having a husband who is not around. He walked out of the room, went upstairs, to his office, and then while I was cleaning up, and checking email, he went and sat in the hot tub. He made the choice to do things, but one of those choices was not to come to me and say "let's talk about this. Maybe we can do something where I can come home at a more reasonable time". To show regard for the fact that he's hardly ever around, on business trips, workaholic....

This morning, he ignored me completely. I told him I was coming up into the town he worked in because I have to move some of the product I sell out of a store. He said nothing. I said I didn't have time to see him to protect my feelings.

In summary. My husband has to be asked to care about me. I think he's kind of upset that we are not intimate, because he has needs. But for me that and relationship have always gone hand in hand. If you don't have time to spend with your family, don't expect to reap the side benefits of a relationship.

I could leave. I am in my 50's. I have two medical conditions that prevent me from getting good full time employment...severe apnea that I am on breathing treatment for and the right knee replacement.

I feel that he's done with me but because of his religious beliefs, he puts up with me and I don't want to be a person anyone wants to put up with. Also, our sons need a dad who takes time to invite them to do things. My husband is detached from his kids. No bowling, no movies, no walking the dog, no teaching how to play tennis. I believe this is one of the strong reasons that our younger son is withdrawn. He experiences his dad's orders to go to church, go to school, go to bed, but a kind, caring loving man that I KNEW that man used to be, is gone. When we were dating and married for the first time. There were times that he would force the issue in places that I didn't want to be intimate...my parents house or a relatives house for example, or a friends house when we were babysitting for a weekend. Early on, if I didn't feel like cuddling he would exclaim deeply and hmpth, turn over in his bad and show anger, so I learned not to like to do that with him, because I was scared at the repercussions if I didn't. Still we had 4 kids. He likes to state "wow, we had 4 kids...we hardly did anything". I don't like that. It hurts me to hear this.

I need to brainstorm about my next step. I am near tears again and I am just so tired of being alone.
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replied May 11th, 2012
Really?
OMG, no wonder, I just read the topic and the first few sentences, by the start of it I think you talk too much, worry way too much and not happy about you! I'm a straight forward kinda gal, fromt he looks of it, you have far questioned yourself for a very long time, age isn't a factor and your medical condition shouldn't prevent you from living a good life. Sorry I've battled cancer, still in the mist of it all, and I refuse for anyone to tell me I can't do something because of my medical condition. There are times I'm in solitary isolation because my immune system but serious girl, get past the b/s and live life, don't let life live you. Your partner will be as detatched as you are from yourself, make sense? You feel bad for youself long enough he will too and eventually him wanting you to do thigs with him all the time will deminish like it did, and now the only thing he can do is try to satify you by making enough money to shut you up about not being able to work full time. Really come on, give yourself and him a break, being happy doesn't consist of having money, and his detachment to the kids is probably because you nag about money not extending far enough. Listen becaue I don't give advise for nothing, obviously ur relationship is suffering because you feel you can't find f/t work, work equals money, heres ur resolution. Get a personal calendar, document bills and there due date, document pay days with the amount if possible, if you need to make payment plans get situated, and work it out on ur planner, save 20 bucks whenever possible in a jar in ur room, on his off days open it and say we have 100 free money what should we do today. Even if it's not much it's a day for you and him, hell go have a drink find a place that is ur and his time. Now for yourself, stop over analyzing the situations, men don't know how to explain there emotions just because he says wow we had 4 kids doesn't mean it should hurt ur feelings. maybe he means he wishes he could do more with them, or wish you a full recovery so you all can do things together. And the holding part, serious it doesn't take a genious to tell you cuddling equals SEX!! He wanted some, and by you not letting him hold you is like you not letting him have you, don't act like you don't feel emotional or angry when you want it and don't know how to initiate it. Make Love to ur man and he will hold you all night long until you just can't take it anymore. Be happy not !**@! resentful or always trying to make the situation happy, trust me, find happiness in urself and everything will be happy and pleasent around you, including ur hubby that is scared your falling apart.
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replied May 11th, 2012
Really?
OMG, no wonder, I just read the topic and the first few sentences, by the start of it I think you talk too much, worry way too much and not happy about you! I'm a straight forward kinda gal, fromt he looks of it, you have far questioned yourself for a very long time, age isn't a factor and your medical condition shouldn't prevent you from living a good life. Sorry I've battled cancer, still in the mist of it all, and I refuse for anyone to tell me I can't do something because of my medical condition. There are times I'm in solitary isolation because my immune system but serious girl, get past the b/s and live life, don't let life live you. Your partner will be as detatched as you are from yourself, make sense? You feel bad for youself long enough he will too and eventually him wanting you to do thigs with him all the time will deminish like it did, and now the only thing he can do is try to satify you by making enough money to shut you up about not being able to work full time. Really come on, give yourself and him a break, being happy doesn't consist of having money, and his detachment to the kids is probably because you nag about money not extending far enough. Listen becaue I don't give advise for nothing, obviously ur relationship is suffering because you feel you can't find f/t work, work equals money, heres ur resolution. Get a personal calendar, document bills and there due date, document pay days with the amount if possible, if you need to make payment plans get situated, and work it out on ur planner, save 20 bucks whenever possible in a jar in ur room, on his off days open it and say we have 100 free money what should we do today. Even if it's not much it's a day for you and him, hell go have a drink find a place that is ur and his time. Now for yourself, stop over analyzing the situations, men don't know how to explain there emotions just because he says wow we had 4 kids doesn't mean it should hurt ur feelings. maybe he means he wishes he could do more with them, or wish you a full recovery so you all can do things together. And the holding part, serious it doesn't take a genious to tell you cuddling equals SEX!! He wanted some, and by you not letting him hold you is like you not letting him have you, don't act like you don't feel emotional or angry when you want it and don't know how to initiate it. Make Love to ur man and he will hold you all night long until you just can't take it anymore. Be happy not !**@! resentful or always trying to make the situation happy, trust me, find happiness in urself and everything will be happy and pleasent around you, including ur hubby that is scared your falling apart.
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replied May 30th, 2012
Um Olivia. Have you ever lived with a person that makes you feel invisible? I don't think you have because your advice to this woman was so harsh. My God. You don't know what this woman's husband is thinking. You have no idea what she's going through. And she hasn't once said she bothers the man about money or bills. She said she had a home biz account not that she was looking for full time work. Her illness would not allow her to work full time. She's not resentful, she's IN PAIN. When you love a man, have children with him, pledge your loyalty to him under circumstances that he will love you back and he completely stops no explanation. That makes a woman crazy. You need to read a bit more in detail before commenting and giving advice honey. You obviously have NEVER been there. Cuddling between people at a place that they are will not equal sex sweetie. Sorry. They didn't get to that place overnight so they will gradually have to go back to the place they used to be. This sounds childish Guitaristmom but when they ignore you you have to ignore them. Simple as that. Men are like children sometimes. And I'm sooooo sick of people telling me "they don't know how to express their emotions" BULL. Be a fly on the wall at a card game or the strip club. They talk plenty. Just to the wrong people. I'm where u are honey. You just had the good sense to be married and I'm just in a long time relationship with a !**@!. But change can happen at any time of your life you just be smart and prepare and in the meantime find a sitter for the kids and go out. Let him cook his own damn food.
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