Hi All,
My husband works a lot of overtime. I know he is not having an affair since he's a very religious man. He gives his focus to his church and his job. I got left back. Even in good times when we are talking, he doesn't really put me in the line up. Work actually comes first before church. Work comes before everything. His company had some layoffs and the guys remaining take up all the slack. However, he communicated with me that he got distracted and stayed on to solve a problem on his own last night at work. I am grateful that he has a job, worried that he works so hard, but I am deeply hurting.
My husband has seemed to forgotten that he has a family that needs his love. Our oldest son spends a lot of time sitting in front of a computer. I try to be mom and dad to him but I can't do both successfully and anytime my husband interacts with him, it's in a negative manner. Go to school. Go to bed. That's it. Not "hey, let's go see a movie son" or "let's walk the dog together" or even take an interest in learning how to play a video game. I am mom and dad to that boy right now.
I am 10 weeks out of a total knee replacement. My husband stayed home 2 weeks and did a great job caring for my physical needs. All business. Now back at work, I prepare all the meals, have to clean the house again. He does empty the dishes in the morning but doesn't load. He does no laundry, no vacuuming. He takes care of the hot tub in the backyard.
But what bothers me most is that I don't know when to have dinner ready. Though I call with reminders of "please let me know when you will be home", more often than not, it's a complete guess as to when he will arrive. Two days ago, he actually arrived home at 6 but I didn't know, though I called, he didn't call back, or at least that was not communicated to me if he called, so the family ate at 9. Yesterday, I said I'm just going to get a pizza and he said that was fine. The boys wanted fried chicken so I took a small amount left in my home biz account and paid for it..now I am tapped out again. When there was an emergency situation where we were at the hospital, dinnertime came around. I took money from his account to pay for food for the kids. I had to put it back because he got mad and so I drove around the county and made a couple of sales to earn enough to replace the money I took. He never offered to help with that. He got the money back in his account.
Which brings me to another thing. I'm on a budget. It's not enough to pay for bills and food for four people. I live on $12,000 a year. So, I have a home job and I throw everything I have into the family. My husband makes triple digit but we have kids in college and they are expensive.
The only time my husband hugs me is when he needs to. I do not feel it has anything to do with relationship because of how he acted last night, and feelings I have had before on it. I do not have intimacy with him because I don't want to be used. I want my husband to love me but I feel I'm just a handy maid and fixture he has to put up with..someone in place to watch over our youngest high school senior son's meals and his meals....when the youngest one is out, I wonder if I have a home with my husband.
The other day I did go to his home office and shared my feelings softly. He hugged me lightly but we didn't talk about it. He took a room in our home and made it his office and holes in there all the time on the computer instead of interacting with his family.
The frustration grew and last night, he showed up at 8:30 pm from work and by then, I was in tears, because I am just so tired of having a husband who is not around. He walked out of the room, went upstairs, to his office, and then while I was cleaning up, and checking email, he went and sat in the hot tub. He made the choice to do things, but one of those choices was not to come to me and say "let's talk about this. Maybe we can do something where I can come home at a more reasonable time". To show regard for the fact that he's hardly ever around, on business trips, workaholic....
This morning, he ignored me completely. I told him I was coming up into the town he worked in because I have to move some of the product I sell out of a store. He said nothing. I said I didn't have time to see him to protect my feelings.
In summary. My husband has to be asked to care about me. I think he's kind of upset that we are not intimate, because he has needs. But for me that and relationship have always gone hand in hand. If you don't have time to spend with your family, don't expect to reap the side benefits of a relationship.
I could leave. I am in my 50's. I have two medical conditions that prevent me from getting good full time employment...severe apnea that I am on breathing treatment for and the right knee replacement.
I feel that he's done with me but because of his religious beliefs, he puts up with me and I don't want to be a person anyone wants to put up with. Also, our sons need a dad who takes time to invite them to do things. My husband is detached from his kids. No bowling, no movies, no walking the dog, no teaching how to play tennis. I believe this is one of the strong reasons that our younger son is withdrawn. He experiences his dad's orders to go to church, go to school, go to bed, but a kind, caring loving man that I KNEW that man used to be, is gone. When we were dating and married for the first time. There were times that he would force the issue in places that I didn't want to be intimate...my parents house or a relatives house for example, or a friends house when we were babysitting for a weekend. Early on, if I didn't feel like cuddling he would exclaim deeply and hmpth, turn over in his bad and show anger, so I learned not to like to do that with him, because I was scared at the repercussions if I didn't. Still we had 4 kids. He likes to state "wow, we had 4 kids...we hardly did anything". I don't like that. It hurts me to hear this.
I need to brainstorm about my next step. I am near tears again and I am just so tired of being alone.
Saving 