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husband molesting wife while she's sleeping

I'm really in need for some advice! My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. For about the past 6 months, he has been inappropriately touching me while I'm sleeping. Sometimes he fondles my breasts. Most of the time though he sticks his finger in my anus. I wake up in the morning with diarrhea and a sore bum. It sickens me. I've even been wearing Pajama capris that tie. I will double knot them and he still unties them. I take sleeping pills cuz I suffer from insomnia. I have confronted him but he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. And he's NOT doing it in his sleep either b/c there have been times I'm not in a deep sleep yet and I can feel him "sneaking" his hand over to me. We don't have a great relationship, sexually or emotionally. He's emotionally cheated on me over the years with intimate chats with other women. Not sure if he's physically cheated. And he's verbally and emotionally abusive, which really does not put me in the "mood". I just don't know how much more I can take. HELP!
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First Helper verne01
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replied May 9th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Men who are sexually frustrated can get some strange ideas. Women they wouldn't normally look at twice under normal circumstances can appear really attractive when a guy's balls feel twice their normal size and he is "high" on mother nature's hormones as she drives the urge to breed...

A lovely couple I know divorced. She said "he won't talk to me and I am not having sex until he does"...
He said "I don't feel like talking when I am so tense and desperate for sex"...

Like those two it seems you and your man have reached a stalemate and unless someone gives way you might as well not be together!

While fondling a breast would mostly be considered ok during the circumstances you describe if it was a loving relationship it isn't so good as you feel so bitter and cheated at his behaviour and fiddling with your anus without express permission is definitely "not cricket"...

It really sounds like a requirement for seperate beds and preferably seperate rooms but if you want to stay with your husband life is likely to be more pleasant and the future rosier if you can make the relationship work - and that will mean dealing with sex. In fact allowing your husband to have sex is a central part of the contract of marriage even though it is rather dated now...

If a dog doesn't get fed at home it will eat somewhere else...
If you have to remain in the same bed it seems like you are going to get your anus fiddled with whether you like it or not - though I am not sure how this would cause diaorrhea. You could possibly hand him a pot of lube to use to save you a sore bum or you could have him arrested for assault...

Chances are if his sexual appetite was satisfied your bum would be safe while you slept and quite probably he would be a lot more polite and well-mannered to you...

Somebody needs to make a move and a compromise needs to be reached (compromise or appeasement is how to make a successful marriage and compromise is better and more desirable) - and that means discussion and an exchange of information and not just handing out recriminations!

If you really cannot bring yourself to indulge him sexually it is probably time you went to counselling or therapy of some kind as a couple but as he seems to see you and treat you as a sex object you could try behaving as one and see what happens - try offering a range of sexual services with a scale of charges - doesn't have to be money (but that might concentrate his mind more)...
You could masturbate him (before you take your pill) if he agrees to let you sleep in peace or insist he sorts himself...

He might still not stop: an acquaintance told me the best sex he has with his wife was while she was asleep. At first necessary because the kids tired her so much, but he became used to it and liked it...

You are full of criticism about your husband's behaviour but it usually takes two to make an argument and it might be helpful if you looked inwards to see if you can discover a cause for his bad behaviour and attitude within yourself: your attitudes or behaviour?

The best wives are those who don't strive to turn their men into better husbands! The reason for this is the man you married is almost certainly still going to be the same guy with the same boyish outlook and animal instincts who can be easily and simply satisfied and it will be you who has changed, grown up, matured and become weighed down with responsibility...

I wonder how much your insomnia and those pills are responsible for? Is it time for a drug review at the doc's. Is it time for a slight change of lifestyle (diet, exercise, interests and hobbies)?

I don't think i can usefully say more. I hope I have given you food for thought and possibly the basis for action...
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Users who thank verne01 for this post: dolphinlover 

replied May 10th, 2012
While I thank you for your honest input, there's alot more to factor. I am being a little defensive here. I used to give home sex all the time! We have 3 young children so time and energy just are not there. He started chatting with 16 yo girls when I was prego with first child. Sorry, but that's just not ok in my book. During that same time period he also got arrested for masturbating while driving on the interstate. Four or five years ago he had me get an abortion cuz we didn't have the "room" for another child. Now I realize ultimately it was my decision but I didn't want him resenting a child he didn't "want". He was supposed to get a vasectomy but didn't and we got prego again. Hence child #3. I HAVE gone to counseling several times for months at a time. He refuses to go. Now, I'm not trying to change him into a better husband. I just want the man I fell on love with back. The one that was sincere and respectful. And yes, I know that I have changed over these years. And it's not just me he's verbally and emotionally abusive to. There's 3 other little bodies in my house that he's that way to as well. I've tried and tried to compromise with him. Done the whole "you know what really gets me in the mood is when you help with the kids/inside house work"! Sorry, but I will not play the sex object role. This is 2012 not 1950.
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replied May 11th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Really sounds like he is angry and resentful already and probably been that way all along, from your description, though he has probably not analysed it or even thought about it!

Intimate chats with 16 year olds, fiddling with you while you are asleep, not getting a vasectomy, arrested for masturbating in public, refusing to go with you to counselling...
Sounds like he is either immature and not very well adjusted or he is resentful and feeling trapped by marriage - or most likely a combination of both!

You don't mention whether he works or not. I guess there is probably not a lot of money left over after the needs of the family has been taken care of. Maybe he had plans for the income that can't now be realised or his dreams of marriage didn't include kids - just you and he being alone together, forever...

I think the man you married wanted you to look after him like a mother would with sex on tap whenever he desired it - lot of men about just like that! Kids mean hubby is not the centre of attention and mother-like care is going to be in very short supply and there will be times when sex is almost entirely off the menu - that is all a big shock to the system of a juvenile in the body of a grown man...

The real or immediate concern is for your children: constant abuse, criticism and shouting is likely to damage them for life - their take on your marriage and relationships in general is likely to result in similar serial behaviour and attitudes throughout their lives!

You sound as though you have tried almost everything to get through to your man. I am surprised you are still together. Have you thought about a separation or divorce - lots of practical problems to overcome but the threat might be enough to concentrate his mind...

1950 had a lot going for it in the marriage stakes: ok the sex-object bit was part of it but women then expected a certain standard of treatment from their men and could turn into merciless nags at any display of bad manners, selfishness, bad language and so on! I have heard of many instances where erring men were forced to wear their dinner instead of eating it or being stood over and being forced to eat badly cooked food swimming in grease. These waspish women could go on bedroom strike over the smallest transgressions and would sometimes even resort to violence, especially over drunken behaviour...
Please don't knock the women of the past, history records them as compliant but I remember some of those waspish women who had nagged their men into submission and were true rulers of their own provinces...

In the final analysis only you can decide what action to take, if any. If your husband won't go to therapy and you have tried everything else there is few options left: go or stay! Seems if you stay you have little choice but to continue as things are and hope he might eventually grow up...

Go and his growing up might be speeded - at least the children might have a life that is quieter and better-mannered and emerge into adulthood with fewer self-worth issues!
You didn't have kids just so they can be used as emotional or verbal punch-bags by an immature father...
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replied May 11th, 2012
Experienced User
I agree with verne but I must stress---

Your primary concerns must be for the welfare of yourself first and your children next. I say you first because you can't be there for the kids if you are not ok.

Consider carefully before you act. Don't make the decision lightly, but DO make a decision and then follow through with it.

As I read between the lines, I get the impression that you already have decided what you need to do but are afraid to put your plan into action. Am I right?

Either way you decide, it's a scary thing and it will be hard. You are strong (based on what I read above) and you can get through it.

Good luck.
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replied May 29th, 2012
Leave him
If he's not willing to make things better then leave him. There's two people in a relationship not just one. If he's not going to work hard to make it better then he doesn't want to be a part of the relationship anymore and he is just waiting for it to end.
Sounds like you should've left him a very long time ago.
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replied July 19th, 2012
wow, some of these replies make my stomach sick. Dolphin, it is NOT ok for your husband to be putting his fingers in your a___ against your will, while you sleep. This has nothing to do with you not giving him enough sex and anyone who replies that is ridiculous. He sounds like he has some sort of sex problem and I would tell him to see a therapist and sort that out or else you have to decide whether to stay with him or not. I assume you have told him that you do not like him doing these things to you, so if he still continues than you know he doesnt respect you.
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replied July 19th, 2012
Community Volunteer
dolphinlover: He knows darn good and well what he is doing... He sounds like a very sick man....Personally, I can't see how you have lasted thirteen years...If I was married to him he would be out the door....Take care...

Caroline
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replied July 31st, 2012
Experienced User
i know he is your husband and yall have kids but you need to leave this man and tell him when he goes to therapy and gets right in the head then you will consider taking him back. i wish you the best of luck and take care of yourself.
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replied August 24th, 2012
Compromising Idea
I must say his x appetite is way above normal. He needs to find more physical hobbies to do during the day so he can feel more tired at night. Sometimes, no matter how tire he may get, he may still want sex but either have sex with him once for the night or have him pleasure himself in bathroom n then come to bed. If he wakes up in the middle of the night still wanting some x, tell him to go back in bathroom j off again until his stuff gets sensitive.
The aggresion is the form of frustation. Having sex once a week should calm him down. He should be told that if he will get his with his wife once a week n if he gets horn within the week, tell him to j off until the end of week. If u guys fight during the week, then x would be off the table until the following week.
His obession with x is lack of other hobbies. This is why men have their sports, video games, n hardware projects during the week n weekend. He needs to respect his wife like a lady n not a prostitute; and love his kids n help raise them to become the best future adults possible.
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replied October 5th, 2012
not ok
My husband has been sleep groping and inappropriately touching me for 6 years, and now it has gotten to the point that I feel like our trust and relationship in waking life is severed due to this violation of my body and spirit every god damn night of my life... not to mention waking up constantly with every movement of him.
when it first started happening it was ok, and fun at times, I am a sexual person! But at times it was very aggressive, uncomfortable and CREEPY. He had no memory of it, and ignored it, and frankly said he was sleeping couldn't remember so it didn't matter.
Well, it did matter. and now I look at him with paranoia and distrust.
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replied August 29th, 2013
Educate yourself about narcissism
Dear DL,

I recently broke it off with a man who sounds very similar to your husband. We had been riding the proverbial roller coaster for a little over 2 years. The anal fingering while I was sleeping was a small piece of the puzzle.

His behavior cycled from generous and loving to accusatory, demeaning, name calling, silent treatment, blame, and a host of other behaviors that kept me confused and ultimately caused my health to decline. To the outside world and my family, he was gracious, kind, and a wonderful partner. Alone with me, he would rape my soul. He began distancing me from my friends and slowly taking over my decision-making power and independence. He demanded my time and energy so intensely that I was unable to focus on my work and ultimately lost my job.

In the end, I learned he had characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. It took a lot of self-education for me to understand what was happening to me and to realize that his behavior was calculated and intended to render me completely dependent on him.

None of this is your fault. If you feel crazy at times, recognize this is a manifestation of living with a narcissist. It is called "crazy making." They intentionally twist their stories and recall of events to make you think you are losing your mind.

Educate yourself. Protect yourself from him. Make a plan to leave. Protest your children from him. Request a custodial evaluation.

But trust that you are NOT the cause of his sick behavior.
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