My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5. He has had anxiety and depression for the entire relationship, but the past 2 years have been pretty bad. in June 2009, we found out our son had autism, my husband got in a fight with his mom (they have not spoken since), and we had twin girls, all within 3 months. Oh and the economy brought his buisness to a halt (building).
He has been a mess, and I have therefore taken on 1000 jobs and roles to cover for him. I work full time, take care of the kids and house, and he is at home, and I have a babysitter watching the kids while I work?
He is on medication for the anxiety and depression & panic attacks. It does help, but he is so bad, that its not enough.
The smallest things send him into panic attacks and depression. He will be in bed for days, barely eat, or shower...then when he gets out of that mode, he tells me he is going to lose his mind, he needs to "get out", then once kids in bed (my only peace time), he will need to get anger out, and fight with me, over the same things every time, over the past few years. Every single thing I have done, that he doesnt like...like I am so selfish and uncaring and awful.
It sucks, after it all, I am so supportive of him, I tell him that I am here for him, I care for him, I want him to get better, but its all taking such a toll on me.
He did once see a therapist, and we saw her together a few timesâ¦but then something happened, and he decided he did not like her anymore, and wouldnât see her again. He thought she was a horrible therapist, and just wanted money, and wasnât doing anything for him. He said she would talk about her bathroom construction during his appointments? I donât know, I wasnât thereâ¦.
But I need to talk to someone about this, so I am here. I cant/wont talk to friends and family, as I know they already think he doesnât treat me well, I donât want them to hate him (if they donât already). I just know he is SO great the few moments when he is better and happy. He is my husband and my kids fatherâ¦I want the happy man here allll the time.
Any advice? Should I see a therapistâ¦and then maybe they can help me, or my husband would eventually join me (yeah right). My husband (right now) is very untrusting, very negative, and unwilling to do anything really.
What he does do, is started a business that he lovesâ¦but its more charity, it doesnât bring in any money. So the moment I try to get him to do something that brings in money (small building job), he ends up getting mad at me, and resenting me for doing it. But I just need HELP. Ugh. I am at a point of wanting out of the marriage, cause I cant take much more. I should tell him this, but I guess I am afraid of saying something and him holding it against me forever.â¦.help!?
Hello there ,
My dear I perfectly understand what you are going thought I suffer of panic disorder since 3 years ago , when I just gave birth to a pretty and healthy baby I started having this awful panic attacks from nothing when all in my life was amassing and I could not be more blessed , a loving and supportive husband , economy stable and a new family member , but I was going through the worse time in my life I was afraid I was losing my mind I was even more afraid of my own panic attacks , I recommend you please get more info about this disorder , if you are not comfortable with this situation , you can imagine such a bad time he is having , without your support will be even harder for him and for yourself , I was on Zoloft (setraline ) and loracepan (atavan) for 9 months but at the beginning I needed 100 mg and then reduce my doses because I stared to get better and enjoy life again probably he needs to get his doses up but he definitely needs to go and see his doctor and therapy will also work effectible takes time but is not the end , if you still love him , you will be patient and understand him , my husband did it , so can you , this takes time but is not the worse , still have hope and life if you need to get in touch please writte me all the best Nina
I know what you are going through. I have been with my husband for about 9 years, married for less than 1 year. We went through this about 7 years ago for almost 2 years. It almost broke us. Then everything was great... We were on the right track. Got engaged, were ready to start a family (both of us so excited) then, as soon as we got married it happened again. When I say that its because both times he quit or "lost" his job. Actually when it started, or when he had the first major anxiety attack was at his bachelor party ÃspamÃÂ its funny... I seriously sometimes wonder if its me, but really I think he cant live without me. ÃspamÃÂ I don't mean that in a conceded way, but when he has these attacks, he wants me to be there. ÃspamÃÂ Seriously, we are so close ÃspamÃÂ he is my best friend and me to him. ÃspamÃÂ But anyways, next thing you know he was on short term disability at his awesome job that he did so well at and it seemed to come out of nowhere. ÃspamÃÂ I was stressing out that our wedding was what triggered everything so of course I was a mess. But then it seemed to turn around, for a bit then one day he let's me know (after the wedding- which was great and so fun) they let him go at work because he was a mess (actuslly he lied to me about it because.... Funny enough we were going to see his theripist that day(first day i met her) and in that meeting it came out that he keeps things from me because he doesn't like to see me sad or upset... Which she said was very noble of him. It was sweet of him, but I need to know these things.... Like that he lost his job! I mean, come on! Not that money matters, but this was really scary to me especially since this has happened before for a2 year stint and he didn't want to tell me?????? Like I woukdnt figure it out and like I wouldn't be the one he should come to and cry to about it??ÃspamÃÂ
SOOOO here has been our last 9 months.... ÃspamÃÂ he cant leave the house most of the time so i go to things i have to by myself or else he comes but drinks his face off ÃspamÃÂ and although he is not a violent drunk, he has become a mean one. ÃspamÃÂ Or just not his happy self that I know.ÃspamÃÂ
It's been so hard on us because honestly I am a good person and I absolutely adore him and he is my best friend in the world but I feel like he is so different when he is like this. Because I don't have these anxiety problems he feels that I don't relate to him and to be honest, sometimes I get really angry (which I am NOT an angry person) and I get mad that I am the only one that is living our life and supporting us. I thought we would be starting a family right now. ÃspamÃÂ I am ready to have kids, like he was, I am working my ass off to pay our mortgage and bills, while he sits at home and watches sports and won't do anything else because of these awful panic/ anxiety attacks.ÃspamÃÂ I am keeping my Relationships with our friends. And he is doing nothing. He is sleeping in, staying home (he used to be drinking all the time) and I am getting resentful and sad and angry. Things that I have never been. I know he has a problem and I know I will never know exactly what I he is feeling but I am so hurt, pissed, actually furious sometimes ÃspamÃÂ that he wont snap out of it... ÃspamÃÂ And mostly, I'm really sad because I miss my husband, or the man that I said yes to marry and want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he is in there and I know he will come back, or will he????
I know is hard situation to deal with ,because the person you must love and care in this world is not reacting the same way that used to be , but believe me when you are feeling like a piece of crap , you can not do what you want , that you want to get rid of this craziness that is manipulating your life but you just canÃ¢spamï¿½t avoid the panic is right there in your mind all the time , closing doors one after one I m not saying he is right , because he can not give up , that is not the best way to get ahead of this , fist I did not want to take my pills because I donÃ¢spamï¿½t want my kids to see me an slave of medication but I donÃ¢spamï¿½t want my kids to see me crying because I can not drive them to school either , or that I must be with someone all the time because I can not function or will brake into a panic attack , aim taking my pills and I have my thumbs up it will work , and I will do the same things I used to do months ago like taking my car and driving to the mall all by myself , I will not resist aim not a hero I might go ups and downs but I will try again I want to believe that everything will be ok again and this will past but really this is an awful time of my life and aim pretty sure this guys are feeling the same in the bottom they must be even more afraid of loosing you and that may be increasing their anxiety , support them lady ! We can not go through this alone.
I appreciate everyones responses. I have been with my husband for 11 years (5 years married), and the panic attacks have been on and off for the past 11 years. He has lengthy ones every year...this is not something that he has had for a few months, and will be gone in a few months.
He just doesnt do anything...really. I get attitude for him having to watch the kids for an hour, because the kids were sick and whiny (today). One hour...I ask for one hour, and he gets moody. And it wasnt even to get a manicure or something fun for me - it was to get meds for the sick kids, and dog food!
He is just not being nice to me...whether he is afraid to lose me, he is not showing it, he is more like pushing me away. I can only do so much. I am a calm patient person, but he isnt giving me much here. Not sure how much more I can take. I cant even get him to take the garbage out, or mow the lawn.
I have THREE kids, a full time job, and I have to do everything...its just not fair. If I at least got his appreciation, or if he was at least "nice" to me, it would be more dealable...I have feelings and emotions and anxiety too!
Its a tough situation...I have my ups and downs...just not sure what to do with it all. Again thanks everyone.
This time I think you are absolutely right , there is time when I feel really mad at myself and angry with this life that I have to live with , I have the regular worries of everybodyÃ¢spamï¿½s daily life and I still have to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks on top of that , is not easy but every time IÃ¢spamï¿½ve got down into this feelings when I feel like garbage, like a piece of crap and I see my family there supporting me in a way they can , and I value that, and when I get better I say THANK YOU !!! he must be really bad but that does not give him any right to be mean to you , that is not working in any way you are doing more of what you really can , have you try couple therapy ? this may be expensive and with only you providing probably is not an option but there is centers of help that work for free we have some here in Florida and I wonders if he has any treatment ? all the best dear friend .
Forive my blunt advice: First your marriage is over period. Your husband was having an affair and she finished with him, he does not want you to know so as invented a lot of fairy stories to hide a lot of ugly truths and untruths. His mother and him never got on and to some extent he his a loner. He wants you to leave and stay at the same time. Your with a loser.
Lets take him up on his claims and pretend they are true. It's a game so lets find out: If he's serious this is what he must do: He needs to cut out sugar completely, not eat fatty foods like fried chicken, and cut down on bread. He needs to walk just 250 yards x twice a day, and have a bath and shave each morning. If he can stand a cold shower so much the better. I'd like him to ask his Dr for Profanolol tablets and to take one each morning with 2 Paracetomol tablets, and he needs to stop watching TV too much. If he's a builder then get him to register a new LLC Ltd company, give it a grand name such as TRUST HOUSE BUILDERS, Or REDLAND CASEMENTS LIMITED, and open a new bank account. Tell him this is is last chance with you, he makes it work or your leaving, and get him to pay his mother the money back he borrowed from her, and yourself. [All this is pure guesswork on my part so don't be offended]