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Husband bisexual (Page 1)

My husband is an amazing man who is a kind soul and wonderful father, he however is bi-sexual. Knowing this for almost 10 years now , it is not an issue with me for I thought we had an understanding that it was okay so long as I monitored the behavior. Well long story short my husband was working out of town and while away he placed an add on the local craigslist under men seeking men. He posted on a wednesday night and never told me about it. I was looking through the text messages in his phone the following friday night and found his registration for an alternative e-mail and also spotted is inquires of other craiglisters. My heart drop and I literally vomited last night just thinking about him with another man. My heart is torn from my chest and I feel betrayed, devastated, and souless. I never thought It would come to this, I always thought of him incapable of hurting me in this way. He is truly sorry and says he is disgusted in himself and really bothered by it. He swears that he was going to tell me but I really in my heart of hearts don't believe him. I am an attractive and good person but after this I feel like less than a woman. I love my husband more than anything on earth and we have two beautiful children. I am happy with him but after this little incident I can't help but wonder if I am being to understanding. Bottom line I need an opinion I can't talk to anyone else about this and am desperate for some advice.
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First Helper deleatanger
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replied February 23rd, 2009
Community Volunteer
I feel sorry for you as this problem is bigger than big....I seriously doubt that you can change it....You don't have the right sexual parts.....This is a sad, but true fact of life.....The advice that I will give you is to make him wear a condom when you have sex....Don't trust that he has protected himself with another man....The same thing goes for giving him oral sex....Don't do it without a condom.....I wish I could tell you that if he gives you oral sex that you couldn't catch a STD, but I am not sure of this....I am sure another poster will know this....

I don't know if he will change or if he wants to....I doubt he does....He craves another man as I crave the sexual filling that my husband does to me....It is not a sickness, it is just the way he was born.....

These are just my thoughts, but I wanted to put them on paper in case you are thinking of being sexual....

I wish I could say the right thing to help you but I can't....I send you my love....

Caroline
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replied February 24th, 2009
re:post
Thank you for your kind words as this is what I told him. He didn't do anything with anyone but then again I don't know. He says he wants to just ignore the fact that he is bi-sexual, I told him thats like me saying that I am tired of having brown eyes and that now I want blue. He deleted his profile and gmail in front of me, but I know that these feelings and cravings that he has cannot go away.
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replied April 27th, 2011
About bisexual husband
Hi. The same thing just happened to me. Married for 7 yrs; known for 10; he told me of one incident before we were married, and then has always looked at gay porn on and off. Now he DID cheat on me while on a business trip but felt so bad, he told me. What happened with your marriage... I want to work things out for the 3 kids we have.. and because he's a great dad and usually good husband. Curious to know where you are now with your relationship?
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replied August 9th, 2011
I am going through this for last 15 yrs like u.but last year he came and he told me that he is in love with 24 yrs old boy {he is 40}.now he cannot live without him and me too.I regret giving him time to show me this day.they dont change They look for exquse .If you ready for his relationwith other men then stay else i suggest move now.I am moving out now.better late then never ,i cannot .I die every day.
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replied February 24th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
if my boyfriend did that, i would class this as cheating. i mean he did no sexual thing-kiss have sex, etc. but just knowing that he was deliberately planning to do so would break my heart in two and i would feel as if he cheated on me.
i am so sorry you are going through this. no one deserves to go through something like this.
maybe you two should look into marriage counselling to work things out. he obviously has feelings bottled up deep down inside and does not know how to deal with them in a mature mannor.
and the fact that you are so hurt, yet forgiving, you have to get out how you feel and your emotions too.
a marriage counsellor could help deal with both the problems that have now risen to your attention.

right now, he could say anything to get you to believe it, because he knows he has hurt you, and knows that he needs to fix it, but wants to say the right things for you to gain his trust again.
if i were in your shoes i would do a few things.
first i would book and tell him we are going to marriage counselling.
second i would tell him that i would like him to do an STD test, because the fact that you never know if he did have sex with someone else can make things serious like caroline said,
and third i would tell him it is going to be extremely hard for me to gain ack his trust.
i mean this is a marriage here, and marriage or no marriage its just not acceptable..

im sure other than this, hes a great guy, but this knocks off a few points now.
but whats done is done, and you can only move forward and try to fix what has been done and figure out what he needs to over come this. and i think that in this situation, marriage counselling would be in both of your best intrests.

i hope that was helpful, and i wish you luck with this hun.
xo
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replied March 4th, 2009
Experienced User
He was bi-sexual 10 years ago when you found out and he is bi-sexual today. It just is. The thing of it is...you knew that and you made the choice to stay with him as his bi-sexual self.

Your bigger issue seems to be that he actively sought out a source to cheat on you. Doesn't matter if it he was looking for a man or a woman, he was looking and thats what I would be concerned with. If he hid that from you he could just as easily be hiding the fact that he actually did hook up then or any other time and you just havent caught him yet.

As far as the bi-sexual aspect, if this is what your issue is... Little late for it to matter now isnt it? Again, you knew 10 years ago and chose to stay. If it bothered you, you have had 10 years to fess up and deal and if you didn't well then, you withheld important information from him as well IMO.
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replied March 9th, 2009
The same thing happened to me. I was playing on the computer and I saw that my husband set up a profile on a gay men seekers website. His profile said that he had already had sex with two men. Of course he said it was a mistake and that it must have been spam. After about three hours of screaming and crying he finally told me the truth. Both had happened before we met. So I asked him why did his profile say that he was looking for one night stands and he didn't have an answer. Now he wants to know why I will not have sex with him. I just don't think I can trust him now. Every time I look at the computer I want to go through and see what he has been on. It has been a rough month sice I found out. We had been trying to get pregnant for two years. He just makes me sick!
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replied March 9th, 2009
Supporter
Harsh as it may sound, I have to agree with Jinger. When you (a straight person) deal with a bisexual person, you do so running the risk that you may not be enough for them and they will eventually have a taste for the same sex. Even though you had an agreement that he would tell you about his encounters, he obviously felt that you would have an issue with his activites and decided to do so in secret. Maybe he wanted to meet up with men more often than he had previously. Whatever the reason, he has proven himself to be a liar and deceiver. Now you have to decide if you can learn to trust him again or remain in a marriage where you can't trust your partner. My heart goes out to you. My sister was in a similar situation and I know how badly he hurt her and damaged her self esteem. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
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replied March 9th, 2009
Community Volunteer
manda_brook wrote:
The same thing happened to me. I was playing on the computer and I saw that my husband set up a profile on a gay men seekers website. His profile said that he had already had sex with two men. Of course he said it was a mistake and that it must have been spam. After about three hours of screaming and crying he finally told me the truth. Both had happened before we met. So I asked him why did his profile say that he was looking for one night stands and he didn't have an answer. Now he wants to know why I will not have sex with him. I just don't think I can trust him now. Every time I look at the computer I want to go through and see what he has been on. It has been a rough month sice I found out. We had been trying to get pregnant for two years. He just makes me sick!


I would use protection if you have sex....You really can't trust him...I would put getting pregnant on hold until you feel assured that he has changed and tested...Actually, I doubt that he ever will....You cannot replace the male sexual organ and this is what he craves....

Take care of yourself.....You are the important one...

Good luck,
Caroline
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replied May 4th, 2009
SHOULD I GIVE MY FULL TRUST?
I just want to ask, what if your husband just admit that he is bisexual only after you got married? The thing happened to me.. we just got married two years ago and now have a son.. This may be a crazy thing to admit but I often intend to spy on him,some of his officemates are my close friends way back in college and everytime he will tell me that he will be having an overtime, I often call my friends there in their company and ask them if what he said is true.. he said he feel hurt for always finding out that I am spying on him. He said it feels like I do not trust him anymore. He wanted to change and forget about his past. But it was me who often reminds him of his bad past by doing such thing. What he wanted from me is trust.. and I do know how to give my full trust on him. Is there any hope for me and my husband when the situation is like this. Until now, I often see some messages in his phone from those people whom I do not know wanted to meet him up.. perhaps they are bisexual too. After I found out that he is bisexual I never let him go out with his friends or officemates even if it is a department dinner or meeting. I often force him to go home early. I have lost the trust when it comes to his activities. He just spend his day in the office and then after work he go straight home. IS this already a sign that he is honest enough to be trusted? he was doing the thing office - home for more than years now. I have had my exprienced of a broken family where my dad cheated my mom but of course not in a bisexual way. my dad had another woman and I saw how my mom got deeply hurt and sacrifice to saty in the replationship for our sake. Am I doing the right thing? often spying on him? never letting him hangout with his officemates and other friends.. on the back oif my mind there is a part of me saying I am to cruel on him.
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replied May 24th, 2009
Supporter
i've been bi-curious female when i was in my early 20's. i had an encounter with a women once. i was raised in church, so i prayed to God about how i feel and i ask him can he take those feelings away from me. i was confused about why i felt this way.
maybe someone should give you a religious kind of advice.
you knew he was like that for 10 years. they have so many churches that counsels married couples. this may be embarrassing for your husband. you can also go to a regular marriage counselor if you want to stay with your husband.
i only told you about my curiosity so you can see things at a different angle.
you sound like you want to stay with him.
some gay people say that God made us this way. but the bible tells us to resist temptation (things that are wrong). we are imperfect and we make mistakes.
my curiosity today is almost non-exsistant. but 13 years ago those strong feelings came out of no where.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Hi jlynnx2,
A very similar thing happened to me very recently and I wanted to give you my advice and reassurance. I've been with my partner for 4 years and I'm pregnant with our first child.

My partner is completely wonderful in every way but I've known from the beginning of our relationship that he's 'a bit bi' - he was very upfront about it with me and confided to me early on that he once had a sexual encounter with a man.
We talked at length at the time about what this meant for our relationship, and the main issue for me was whether sex with men was something he was going to be able to live without for the rest of his life. He reassured me that one experience had been enough to satify his curiosity and he didn't feel the need to do it again, although he occasionally does still have gay sexual urges (he sometimes looks at gay porn, this doesn't really bother me).

Recently I looked on his email and found replies to ads on a local listing site for gay sex and, like you, I was devastated and felt extremely angry and betrayed. It's a horrible, horrible feeling to think you've been cheated on, and you feel strangely helpless in this scenario. 'That side' of them is threatening - you could never fulfill those urges so how can you do anything about them?

Once we got past the screaming and shouting, he assured me that he replies occasionally to those ads because it's the thought of the possibility of it that he finds erotic, and would never contemplate actually meeting up with anyone. I have to say, I believe and trust him on this. He's a very honest person and he wouldn't do that to me. I can't say I fully understand it, but then many straight men find all manner of odd things erotic and I don't really understand a lot of that either (!).

Yes, h should have told me that he was using this site in this way occasionally and I'm angry that it took me stumbling across it and suffering enormously as a result to find out. But, now I see how terribly sorry he is and I have a better understanding of his reasons - that this is just about what he gets off on when he's away or I'm not home, I accept he's not realistically going to tell me about it each time.

The issue for me is twofold - is his gay / bi-side a big enough part of him to mean it's an overwhelming need that he must act on, or could it be in the future? Only he can answer that.

The second (and most crucial) issue is - do you trust him? If you truly trust him and he reassures you he doesn't need to and would never act on these fantasies, then accept that this is just a part of the person you love and it won't affect your relationship and family.

I hope everything works out well - it does sound like you love this man enormously and otherwise have a great relationship so fingers crossed for you.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Experienced User
Reminds me of the daughter of my teacher in high school, she never expected her husband to be bi. When her husband left her for another man, she lost her sanity. She ended up in the psychiatric ward. I feel sorry for her.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
It's no ok to say your spouse is bisexual and that's just how it goes. A Bisexual person isn't any less culpable to their commitments than a straight or gay person. If they are promised to monogamy with your or Engaged to marry or if they have taken vows, being bisexual doesn't give them licence to disregard the commitment they made with you.

If you are involved with someone you know is bisexual and they cheat on you with someone of the same gender, you've given up permission to be more offended, outraged or sickened than if they cheated on you with someone of your gender. You are also not allowed to think they are more likely to cheat on you than a straight or gay person would and certainly you don't get to imagine that they're more likely to bring an STD home. If you cannot accept your partners bisexuality in the wake of infidelity then you never really accepted this person you claim you loved.

If you partner has a spontaneous fling with a coworker while on the road after a big fight with you. It is possible that they will not stray again. If you partner has a secret profile on a singles website and is corresponding with other people under the guise of a single person, you have every reason to accept that they have cheated on you and will most certainly do so again in the future.

If you are checking the websites your partner visits, accessing their passworded messages, following them around and believing they are cheating on you despite their adamant protests then you can't really ask us if you can trust them. You don't trust them and you aren't ever really going to trust them again. Leave the relationship so you can both start over with people you can trust who will trust you.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Experienced User
there are those men who have problems accepting themself. They pretend to be straight or even bi when they are only really attracted to men.

They get married, have children, but always desire a man. Eventually they act on their desire. And the woman and the children are left behind.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Your husband did not do any of this to hurt you. It's probably tearing him apart that he has these urges. He is not going to be able to control them forever, if they are causing him concern. Sooner or later, he will probably give in to them, as you are finding out. He may not have gone all the way this time, but the desire is in him...it's not something he can control, though he can try to control how he reacts to it. I feel for you, as this is something that is hard for BOTH of you. However, if he made a committment to you, he should do his best to honor it. If he can't, he shouldn't have married anyone who isn't in acceptance of his lifestyle. I agree with Caroline...PLEASE make sure you are protected with condoms whenever you have sex with him, because you never can tell. You are NOT less of a woman for this. It's not your fault and not something you can control. Not even your husband can stop these feelings that have probably been with him his whole life. You have to either accept that this is going to be his lifestyle, or demand that he not pursue it and trust that he will. If he doesn't, then it's your call on whether you feel you can stay married to a man whose sexual affections you might always have to share.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
If you are a woman married to a man who strays to other men he absolutely has a choice. He's not some hypnotized gay zombie. He's the man you married and he is struggling with desires outside of the marriage just like every man in every marriage. He was consciously aware and a decision maker when he destroyed the trust in your relationship.

You are also completely culpable in your own relationship. You were a part of the team that allowed communication to break down where he could talk to you about his desire for men and you were not involved in his sex life enough to understand that his needs were not being met.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
I am sorry WOLF, but I disagree with you about communication breaking down between these two. How do you know she didn't try to communicate with her husband, and he would not confide in her? This is true of MANY men. You can ask them till you are blue in the face... "what's wrong? What's bothering you", etc., and you get a "nothing" response. They clam up and refuse to talk about anything. How do you know she was not involved enough to know his needs were not being met? She TRUSTED him. Any woman who would willingly enter into a marriage with a man that she KNOWS is bisexual has to accept the fact that she is setting herself up for a possible confrontation down the road. But she let her love for him allow her to trust him, and he broke that trust. Inner urges and feelings are not so easy to supress when you are gay or bisexual and living with a straight person. It's part of who they are. She need to make a decision based on whether she thinks she can trust him not to pursue his urges.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Community Volunteer
IMO, the main reason that a woman stays with a gay or bi-sexual man, is because she wants a man...It is her status symbol...She is a married woman...Not alone, but with someone to talk to...One of the girls who has someone to grow old with...Chances are that she probably didn't want sex to start so this part of life does not bother her...At least not now...There is so much of this going on right now that it isn't funny...Oh, and ravens53, you are so right about a man...You have to drag things out of them...
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replied July 24th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
raven53 wrote:
I am sorry WOLF, but I disagree with you about communication breaking down between these two. How do you know she didn't try to communicate with her husband, and he would not confide in her? This is true of MANY men. You can ask them till you are blue in the face... "what's wrong? What's bothering you", etc., and you get a "nothing" response. They clam up and refuse to talk about anything. How do you know she was not involved enough to know his needs were not being met? She TRUSTED him. Any woman who would willingly enter into a marriage with a man that she KNOWS is bisexual has to accept the fact that she is setting herself up for a possible confrontation down the road. But she let her love for him allow her to trust him, and he broke that trust. Inner urges and feelings are not so easy to supress when you are gay or bisexual and living with a straight person. It's part of who they are. She need to make a decision based on whether she thinks she can trust him not to pursue his urges.


Raven I know she didn't do enough because he didn't feel comfortable confiding his needs in her. That means either she selected a man who was unable to communicate difficult issues with her or she allowed herself to believe everything was fine. I'm not convinced that this man perpetrated an elaborate 10 year conspiracy that he meticulousness kept from her. He loved her when they got married, he wanted her trust, then something happened and in the end he was sneaking around behind her back with men. There were red flags that she didn't notice or simply ignored.

What exactly are you implying by saying that marrying a bisexual sets a woman up for a confrontation down the road? Do you need to take a look through the posts under Heartbreak to remind yourself that straight men and loving wives also cheat?

Additionally GAY MEN DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN. It is what makes them gay, really it's the only thing that all gay men have in common. They are not wired become to aroused or have an interest in sex with a woman. I realize some people think marrying a woman and having a child is pretty keen but Gay men don't. If a man marries a woman and has a sexual attraction to men, with the exception of the most bizzare and exccentric stranger-than-fiction situations, he is a bisexual, and very possibly unaware or in denial about his sexuality.
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replied July 24th, 2009
Experienced User
CarolineEF wrote:
IMO, the main reason that a woman stays with a gay or bi-sexual man, is because she wants a man...It is her status symbol...She is a married woman...Not alone, but with someone to talk to...One of the girls who has someone to grow old with...Chances are that she probably didn't want sex to start so this part of life does not bother her...At least not now...There is so much of this going on right now that it isn't funny...Oh, and ravens53, you are so right about a man...You have to drag things out of them...


Precisely. I was just going to post something like this. In most of the cases of
Straight woman married to gay man...they are friends who are compatible. It's like
living with your dearest sister or best friend. Some women take lovers.

The point is, she didn't want sex anyway, she put up with it to have kids or whatever
reason, and now that it's stopped it is just fine with her.

Ambitious men who don't want the 'gay' tag get married.
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