Medical Questions > Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum

Husband and Ex-Girlfriend Communicating....do I have a problem?? (Page 1)

So my dilemma is this, I just recently discovered that my husband has been communicating with his ex-girlfriend via facebook and email. When we first got together 7 years ago this female contacted him via email to allegedly catch up. He told me about it at the time and even let me see the email he sent back to her. We agreed then that communicating with exes was something we didn't think was appropriate for our relationship and that we would not do it. Since then, I never thought that changed. About a month or so ago I noticed a girl who was commenting on my husbands facebook posts and looked at her profile. I thought it was his ex, this same girl, but at the time I was not sure. So I specifically asked him that night if he had any of the people he had slept with as friends on his facebook. He said no...and I believed him.

A couple of days ago however I was in my husbands email looking for a message from his ex-wife regarding the child support arrangements. I would not have needed to look there, but I had deleted the message out of my box but thought he might still have it so I checked his. While scanning the list I saw a message from this ex-girlfriend. (We have always mutually allowed access to our emails) It was archived and I don't believe he realized the email trail was still there. So I talked to him later the same night and though I was talking about a mutual friend (seriously), and the fact that she still talks secretly to the man she cheated on her husband with, he apparently felt guilty so he deleted this girl as a friend on fb and then deleted all the messages he had sent back and forth to her. He never mentioned anything to me about it so I called him on it the next night. His explanation was she had sent him 5 or 6 friend requests on FB over the years and he had previously denied them all...but this time her name had changed so since she was married now he thought her contact was innocent. I would by that except for these things...

1. In the emails he had with her he called her by the nickname he used for her while they were together.

2. He said "I miss you and I think about you alot" "I remember how hot you always were" "You have always been so put together, that's what draws me to you" and "you're still looking as fine as ever" and that she should contact him on his work email instead of fb or this email address.

3. She said "I still look at your pictures and think about all the time we spent together" "I never looked at you as just a fling" "You were and are a really good person" "I miss you" "I really want to be in touch with you more."

4. There just seemed to be something else behind everything that was said in the email and FB messages.

5. He lied to me about being friends with her.

6. He leaves for work at 530 gets home well after 7 ever ynight and is asleep on the couch by 930 each night.

7. Dramatic drop in our sex life. (I am pregnant, but that didn't stop us the first time so this is unusual)

8. He treats me differently...has less patience with me, says things he never would have, doesn't hold me at night when we go to sleep (before couldn't fall asleep not holding me) to name a few...

I just feel like he is a liar and would be a cheater (IF he isn't already). I feel like the writing is on the wall about him and if I try to let this go I am setting myself up to be played. He claims they never communicated beyond the stuff that I saw, but that's just too convenient in my mind. Why would she reach out so many times just to not say anything when she finally gets his attention? I've asked him to explain why he did this knowing how it would hurt if I found out and he says he just wasn't thinking. I asked him why he told her to contact him on his work email (the only email of his I don't have access too. Not that he couldn't just make another account) and he has yet to even try and respond. I just feel like I can't trust him anymore.

Am I over reacting...do I even have a problem? I am mostly bothered by the lie. I really can't believe he would lie to me about something like this...and then the fact that the emails seemed sexually charged (but the trail was incomplete) makes me think he's done more than I know.

Sorry this is so long I felt like I had to give all the history...
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper User Profile CarolineEF
|

User Profile
replied September 29th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi thisbrowneyedgryl and welcome to ehealth: I feel that where there is smoke, there is or could be fire...Keep an eye on him...The problem being, IMO, nowadays a woman no longer pushes the married man away...Instead she welcomes him...Men are more in demand than women...I, too, even at this age in life, see this in action...They want one thing...Again, IMO, sexual fulfillment...And they don't care who they hurt along the way...Take care...

Caroline
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 1st, 2012
I am actuaaly in almost the same exact situation. I think Facebook has definitely made this more of a problem......exes finding contact. I found facebbok, text, and phone calls between the two of them and today just found out he went and met her behind my back. I don't have any advice for you unfortunately, since I'm in the same boat. I am an ob nurse and I really hope this is not negatively affecting your pregnancy. If anyone passes along any good advice on my situation I will pass it to you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 9th, 2012
Husband communicating with ex gf
My husband to is communicating with her ex and what really made me furious is they're talking about their past. Facebook really sucks !!! And what more my husband is asking the girl to talk in their native language so that if ever I read the it I won't understand a thing... It really pissed me off. As if they are hiding something from me. Friends huh kiss my ass.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied July 27th, 2012
Same Boat....
I'm in the same boat, his ex is blocked from his fb, but he created a fake name email account and I found it after our computer crashed and the email address surfaced. I was able to hack into the email account and read emails that spanned 6 months before the day of our wedding and up to 3 months AFTER we got married, he too was like, I often think if we had stayed together if we would have had kids and how many, etc. She also, apparently got breast implants and since they still have friends in common, he asked her about them and she sent him first a pic in her bra, then second a pic completely nude. I'm devastated, but I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do, we're now married almost a year, and we have 3 children (2 from a previous relationship and 1 together) he said it never went further than emails, none of the emails suggest they saw each other, although he REALLY pushed the issue from "let's meet for lunch" to "let's spend one final night together" a lot of my friends say it was probably cold feet he got, and that I should give him a chance, he said he was willing to go to counseling and that he doesn't want to lose me, but all my trust is completely LOST and at times I feel like going out and cheating on him, but two wrongs, don't make a right. I wish there was a simple solution to all this, or an easy fix, but every time I stop and think about all the emails that I read, it makes me sick to my stomach and I get pissed off all over again...hold your head up ladies, I think these types of situation are going to be a long haul :'(
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 13th, 2012
reply
sorry to hear that, men dont think of the long term hurt. till they see the hurt in ur eyes... but either he can take it two ways... either truly be yours and work it out. or break it off with you... but alwasys stay strong huni... it sucks. dont lower urself. if you think of cheating its time to go single and do ur thang.. hope things work out for you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 27th, 2013
Experienced User
Get rid of him!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied March 29th, 2013
Similar situation with myself, husband infatuated with his ex fiance after they found each other on facebook. They had a tragic break up and he needed "closure" and now they are "good" friends but I have seen some of the emails and friends don't say things they were saying to each other like "show me your boobs" and " I like giving blow jobs in the middle of the day". I feel used and betrayed because I no longer have a best friend, only a house mate. He shares all of his fantasies, hope, dreams and secrets with her. He got very testy with me when things were getting bad and we separated for two weeks because I found him flirting with other women online. If you can get out..try too or else you will feel like you are second best for the rest of your relationship... believe me, I know. I went back to him and I have tried to make it work but every day I doubt our relationship and that is no way to live.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied March 29th, 2013
Community Volunteer
Hi mothernatureknowsbest....I agree with you...You don't need a third party in your relationship...He is looking for trouble and she just may make this happen...Let's face it, there is a shortage of men and many women in need...Keep an eye on him...Take care...

Caroline...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 11th, 2013
Hi ladies, I am in the same boat too. We have been married for 7 years and I found out about their so called friendship 2 years back and confronted him of it and he said he will stop all contacts with her however I later found out he gave her his work email address so they can keep in touch. I recently found it gas turned in to an affair. He has created a secret email account and skype account and viber so he can talk to her. They talk about sex and found that he's so called business trip six months ago was just to meet her. The business trip was for 3 weeks. By the way we have 3 kids n she is married and has 3 kids of her own.
He sends song lyrics saying how much he miss her n love her.
She even tells him to stay away from me and not to do anything with me. This relationship started when I was pregnant with our twins.
After I found out about the email n other accounts, he promised he will never continue and will stop all contacts with her. But she keeps emailing her and sending pics of her self naked. But says she will try to move on. She comes up with all sicknesses as once she had a coma after he said and the very next day she was discharged and later her husband had to airlift her to the hospital but now she is all ok and if my husband does not send her an concerned email she is back in hospitals in the ICU.
I think she just makes up all this excuses to talk to him. I saw an email where he has said we have to think about our kids and stop.
By the way she lives in another country n we live in another and that's why the skype n viber accounts for as phone calls would be costly.
But the relationship is much stronger and I don't know whether to believe what he says or not.
He still does not admit he had an affair with her and says it's complicated to explain as she is going through a rough marriage and he is just helping her. He says their just friends.
Sorry for the long email, I just wanted to tell someone who is in the same position as I am.
I want him to forget her and end it and does not know how I can do that?
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 23rd, 2013
Husbands ex girl friend
My husband says there is nothing..they are just good friends. But i accidently saw an email from him to his ex grilfirnd saying " you forgot to give me a goodbye hug". He says he does it with friends...is not in touch but resists my telling him of not keeping in touch eith her. What should i do...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 29th, 2013
husband and ex girlfriend heartache
i am so hurt by my husbands actions and he doesnt see it instead assures me that nothing would have happened if him and an ex went out for coffee.... my husband was away on a business trip for three months and i flew countries to visit him for two months, one morning i came across his facebook messages as we share computers and noticed strings of messages shared between him and his exgirlfriend. things he was staying were "if i was single then we would hit it off write now" and creating a scenario if he didnt have a wife and a daughter, "you've got a beautiful big room in my heart" and made plans to meet her for coffee "his treat" when he eventually gets back to our home town.
maybe i shouldnt have looked at his messages but i just got a feeling and it was the first time ive read his facebook messages. he made reference in their messages how they have been text messaging too - i went through his phone and all previous conversations have been deleted.

I feel so disrespected and betrayed but my husband sees it as harmless coffee with an ex.... I have a problem with someone else (whom he shared an intimate bond) being the person that he'll share everyday thoughts and chats with and being his comfort and relaxation instead of me. Im scared next time we have a hectic arguement he'll start messaging her and it will feel good, too good in comparison with being married with a daughter at that moment.

he tells me the text messages that were deleted we petty - music scores he photographed to show her what he is busy with and she send him pictures of her new manicured nails, she lost her job and he was helping her through it. i will never know much, how often, how intimate those chats were as they all deleted.

i feel so betrayed - enjoying what was suppose to be a two week holiday but all i want to do is go back home.

even after all the talking he hasnt said that he wasnt going to meet her. instead his logged out of facebook requiring a password to logon so that i cannot view his messages.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied June 27th, 2013
Emotional Affairs
I'm about five years out of this since it occurred. I found three years worth of sexually explicit emails to my husband's middle school girl friend. I was absolutely ill. I would have never suspected it from him, and the anger stems from my ignorance. I'm educated, I'm articulate....how did I miss that????? However, I'm seeing it more and more in society today. We call it Emotional Infidelity in psychology which often leads to the physical affair as well.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

This post has been removed because it did not meet our Community Guidelines.

replied July 18th, 2013
Why are we with these men? They clearly lie to us, covertly or overtly & yet we still question whether they are telling the truth. what? They are lying, so we can trust nothing they say. They show no respect for our feelings but go ahead with whatever they want to do when they have the opportunity to do it. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am forever questioning what I am being told & not being told.

I know he has given his exes his work email address which I have no access to. I don't know how many times he emails them, I don't know what is said, he says I have to trust him. I have no choice because I am not allowed to be part of this friendship. Why not? What do you not want me to know? Apparently she asked for his mobile number but he told me he won't give it as then he'll be contactable too much. If this is a normal friendship surely this wouldn't matter? Am I supposed to be grateful to him for protecting me from this contact?? I've always said any friend of his is a friend of mine so if she doesn't want me in this friendship, why? & why is he allowing her to keep me out? Why is he putting her needs ahead of mine?

He doesn't get it, in his opinion it is me who is making it a problem, I should just trust him. He gets to call the shots though, he gets to choose what (or who) he will or will not share with me & I can be either happy or unhappy with that. That doesnt matter to him, my feelings don't count.

I am tired of trying to explain my position, tired of wondering if he is being faithful to me, if he really loves me, tired of spending too much time thinking about this, it shouldn't even be an issue, it shouldn't even be a fleeting thought in my head.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied September 27th, 2013
From experience
I think he's up to no good. I have read some of the comments on here and I wonder, why are you beautiful ladies with these men? I wonder how they would feel if you were to do what these men are doing? A little eye for an eye. You know why the men are doing it? Because they can. They are fully aware of the consequences if they get caught, they are willing to risk it. Are you the type to forgive and take the man back? If so, then they could possibly do it again, possibly. So if I was you ladies, take your power back and you do what you want to. Make your man want you, desire you, need you. How? By focusing on you. The minute you start focusing on yourself and doing what makes you happy the attention your husband expects from you would be gone. Gosh these men are insecure. It would be worst if they didn't get their own wife's attention they will start to wonder, and from then on it will manifest then they could become competitive and strive for your attention, keep them guessing because men are hunters, and if they can't catch you, they will definately keep trying until they do, or slowly they will figure out, your just not interested. Hows that for an eye for an eye. Good luck
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 10th, 2013
I've been married 44 years
My husband found an old girlfriend, one he had slept with. He sought her out spent money to find her. He's disabled with PTSD and had heart surgery 12 years ago. I've been a really good wife, never looked at another man, never thought of another man in any way. I've waited on him hand and foot. It's easy to say, leave him. I like him, I like what we talk about together. I asked him to stop seeing her. I asked him to stop emailing her. He calls her by a pet name, he gave her a cd and told her to listen to a certain song, it reminded him of her. He gave her a friendship ring, she said she wears it on a chain near her heart. Yesterday I called her, told her to stop it or I would tell her husband. I asked her to break it off in such a way that my husband wouldn't know I had called her. She did the exact opposite, he came home livid, it's all my fault. I have 3 grown children, 3 grandchildren and my blood family lives in another country, so my family (intact) is very important to me. I don't want and cannot afford a divorce. What do I do? Also, I just was diagnosed and treated for stage 2a cancer 9 weeks ago and he's already spent 3 days in another town 6 hours away to take her to lunch and god only knows what else. I saw an email where he said he had to I'll away from her when he was with her last time as he felt those old feelings coming back.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 10th, 2013
Community Volunteer
Hi lonely aussie....Seeing I will be married 55 years next month, I can relate to you...I believe as a man ages that they more than a woman, try to find their yesterday...They want to think young...Yours is going far overboard...Now you have a woman that is getting her thrills going back in time with some old boyfriend...She is going to another world...Making you jealous and believe me I don't blame you...

Maybe he is fearful of your cancer...Possibly this is bothering him...How about the two of you...Any closeness there?...Any sexual feelings?...This is also something that he is missing and looking for....

Try sitting down and talking to him...With his PTSD, you want to choose your words wisely...See what he is planning...Is he trying to get you jealous or is he afraid of dying and fighting to stay young....I send you my best wishes...Take care...

Caroline...
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank CarolineEF for this post: lonelyaussie 

replied October 10th, 2013
No, it's been going on long before the cancer surfaced as a matter of fact I blame the cancer on all the stress he has caused me. I haven't told him this. We have loving moments, he probably thinks of her at these times. I'm prettier and have a better figure than her. I'm better than her.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 10th, 2013
Community Volunteer
Hi again: If he had heart surgery 12 years ago he may be going through a different phase in life...One where he is seeing his life flying by before him...He can't stand this...He wants to be young...He can't do this with his "older" wife and probably is too old and sickly to really do any harm, but in his mind he is still young...So he goes back to yesterday and gives her a friendship ring...Whether he is trying to get you jealous I don't know, but he sure isn't playing fair...

I wouldn't call her on this anymore...She is enjoying it...Flattered that this old boyfriend is sexually turned on by her...In essence what you have is two older people trying to find their yesterdays...

I am trying to think what I would do if my husband did this...The first thing would be ask him if he wanted a divorce...I know you don't want it, but maybe he does...Growing old as a couple is wonderful, but growing old with a person who makes you feel like a piece of dirt is worse...Put it where it is....Do you want me or not?...I send you all my love....

Caroline...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 10th, 2013
Thanks. I really don't care if its his heart problem or his search for youth, it's disrespectful. I feel trapped. I love my surroundings, we live on little seeing as he is disabled,and I lost my business in the downfall of the economy. What about me, I was just diagnosed with cancer, I find his behavior maddening. I'm so confused, I just want it like it was. I'm depressed, slept all day yesterday. Now I'm outside cleaning the pool, why? I'm so confused. I could go and live with my daughter she has a guest cottage and she works so hard that I'm sure having someone to do cooking and run errands would be a great help to her and we get along so well, but I don't want to break up her relationship with her Dad. Aren't I kind? Phewwww! I'm exhausted.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 10th, 2013
Community Volunteer
I agree and I don't think it is his heart problem and I meant this only as his sexual prowess...

When I spoke about a possible divorce I was thinking of you...But, he isn't....He is thinking only of himself...His behavior is bad for your health...

You must judge in your mind whether his behavior (if he keeps this up) is more damage to you and your health than being with him for his good conversation and an easier life...Peace of mind can be worth its weight in gold...Take care...

Caroline...
|
Did you find this post helpful?
12 >>