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How to initiate sex with someone who doesn't like contact?

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September 10th, 2011
I have been in a common law relationship for three years and still don't know how to initiate sex with my partner. We sleep in separate bedrooms and he hates being touched outside of sex. I'm not the hand-holding type either, but this is the first relationship I've been in with so little physical affection. When we do have sex, it's excellent -- we both have a lot of fun and we have a deep trust and connection. I'm very attracted to both his body and his mind.

Here is the problem: he thinks that I am too passive and told me he doesn't want to have sex anymore unless I initiate it. But every time I have tried to initiate sex in the past he gets annoyed because he is busy with something else. The thing is, he is *always* in the middle of something else. Because we don't sleep in the same bed, I find it difficult to initiate sex when we're winding down for the night. And whenever I touch him before we've decided to have sex, he tells me not to touch him. And when he initiates, he usually does so by texting me.

I feel like he should be the one initiating sex because I'm always willing, but he is very rarely turned on and I can't tell when he is. Do I have to e-mail him a week in advance and ask him to put sex in his agenda?

By the way, everything else in our relationship is incredible and I'm overall very happy and satisfied.

What are your thoughts?
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FadedRose
replied September 10th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi,

If you have to text your partner when you want sex, live in the same household but sleep in different beds and is being told not to touch him...you are nothing more than a sex slave. This is not a healthy relationship, this is an emotional and physical torture. when you say, "Everything else in ourrelationship is incredible." What else is there, if you don't have civil communication? Three years in this relationship and you have to text him for sex?

If you had a daughter with this problem, what would you advise her to do? Get to a therpist and soon, if he doesn't go...you go for your piece of mind.


Good Luck,

Faded Rose
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itsalwayssomething
replied September 10th, 2011
"Sex slave" is a really strong word. We have sex maybe twice a month, and I want it way more often than he does. Sex is the only thing we're not good at communicating about -- until we're having it. We're creatively, intellectually and emotionally in sync about everything else.

Everything else in our relationship is great in that we have been best friends for years and years. We have the same goals and interests, we care about all the same things, we share a sense of humour. We often work together, and when we were in college we took all the same classes. I think the fact that sex is a bit weird for us might even have something to do with us having such a strong friendship before we became intimate.

I actually was seeing a therapist for several months on my own before we started going together. We saw her for about 6 weeks and met our therapy goals.
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DollyMae
replied April 2nd, 2012
Ive been with my fiance for almost 5 years. He doesnt want sex anymore, He has no desire for it, but I do I want it all the time. We dont sleep in the same room. we have no touching at all in our relationship, to me its like were just roommates! I dont know how to get him to want sex again.
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hottblondy
replied February 29th, 2012
in same sex boat
I am in same boat,my partner and i do sleep in same bed, but we had to re adjeust to a king size bed because he doesnt like being touched in his sleep, other than that we cuddle, smooch , hold hands. just sex it self isnt the prim thing we do have it twice a month, mostly because i want it.I am 10 years older and he has had a bit of an issue with me being older and the sex part . but unless we stopped doing it completly i will hold onto my relationship , he is my best friend and we do everything togeather. We plan our future and he does have ail jelliousy streak so i know even tho im a bit older he is still attracted to me,just feels comfortable enough with our relationship that having intercourse isnt that big of deal.
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