Sweetheart:

Your Mother saw something in you, that I see in you....Innocence and youth ...Beauty that has been untouched....Her treasure....Perfection and maybe even a little more...She accepted him before because she did not look at him as a threat...He was 15 years older than you were so she could accept this...She didn't believe her daughter would look at a man this age with lust in her heart....In some ways, she didn't give you credit for being a sexual woman....I guess she and I have a lot in common....Mine did the same to me long ago....

When she found out that you had given him your virginity, she was devastated....Come to think about it, I was too....But she like I, could do nothing about it...Our daughter's had their own minds and their own womanly wants and try as we may, they had no stop signs in front of them that said that they had to ask Mother first....

She will have to learn to accept you as a woman and what you gave to him you gave because you wanted to...It will not hurt you in life and you are a wiser woman for it....But it did hurt her....You see, she does not know that through this happening that you have grown....You have gained knowledge from this first love that will take you to a new and deeper depth in life than you would have known before....You are still her precious daughter as before and whatever you gave away it was your choice just as when she and I were young it was our choice to give away what we may have...

I hope I am making some sense as it is 1 in the morning here and I got this hunk that is waiting for me in bed...He is probably dreaming and thinking I am with him....So my love, I will now join him...

Much love,
Caroline

But what if she doesn't come around?

Sara, you are so beautiful...She is so hurt by what has happened...She looks at you as being used and this is not the truth...You gave because you wanted to give, BUT in her eyes, he took this part of you that was reserved for a special man...

Maybe she feels uncertain...She may feel fear that you will return to him...She has her own fear...She fears that if she accepts her child back in her life, that SHE may be hurt again...

I think you are just a wonderful and caring woman and one that any Mother would be proud of...You are so lovely...She is, was and always will be.....But, she has been hurt..You didn't listen to what you had been told in life and went the route that you did...In her eyes, you were violated by this old man...

Try writing her a letter...Pour out your heart...But be truthful...Don't say something that you do not feel, yet open your soul of your own fears in life.....Either give it to her or send it..A couple roses with it wouldn't hurt....I am not sure if you are living at home or not...I am also not sure if you and your friend still see each other on your job...

Are you an only child?

Love,
Caroline

1.After this tour I am going to move in with my friend Stephanie until I can find my own apartment. My Dad and brothers are moving my stuff out if his place right now actually. Once my dad and brothers are done they are going to overnight me the key, so I can give it back to him.

2.I am going to have to see him straight for three months this is day 2 of our tour. After this tour I can contractually leave the company. Which I am.

3.I am not an only child I have 3 older brothers.

In many ways you are an only child as you are her only daughter.....

You should have seen my two oldest brothers when they found out. I thought they were going to shoot him dead.

Yah. I can see that... my mom and I were really close we talked about everything. I thought she would respect my choice eventually I did not think it would go on this long.

Maybe she like I, wonder if it is done?...Until you are away from this temptation you really are not free? That is if you want to be free....

I do! I have taken the steps to securing another job, and trying to avoid him personally as much as I can, but it is hard because we have to work together for the next 3 months.

But what if he had proposed? Would she have forgiven me then?

Sara honey, I have helped as much as I can with your problem...I cannot answer your "What If" questions...These are things in life that you must answer and deal with....

I wish you well....Maybe a younger person can understand you more and help....

Take care,
Caroline

No problem! Thank you so much for everything!

Honey, you are so very welcome...Like I said, I am here anytime...

XX
C

This might sound a bit mean towards your mother, but it's simply my opinion.

Yes, you are her daughter. Yes, you will forever be her "child" even if you are not a child. And yes, no mother wants to think of their child as being taken advantage of or "spoiled".

Having said that, your sex life is none of her business. For her to completely break contact with you over something so natural and beautiful as a consummated intimate relationship is, to put it mildly, petty. Nobody is asking her to like or agree with it, but she needs to understand that it's simply none of her business and certainly nothing to punish you over.

If your biggest crime is having sex with your boyfriend and she saw fit to end contact with you for that, I'm truly sorry. It makes me wonder what else she'll consider a crime in years to come. What if you decide to buy an SUV instead of a hybrid car? Will she punish you for that? What if you get married and have children but don't name one after her? Will she become estranged then? What if you decide to paint your living room orange? Oh, the humanity!

I'm not trying to belittle your situation. On the contrary - I sympathize with you greatly. So much, in fact, that it angers me that your mother would do something like this. You have done nothing wrong, my dear. Your mother may not agree with what you, as a responsible adult, have decided to do with your life and body, and that's okay. She doesn't need to. Family ties should be stronger than that, however. Family should not punish each other with silence for such small things. And even if she doesn't view it as a small thing (and I assume she doesn't), what does she hope this silence will accomplish? Will it give you your virginity back? No. Will it scar you emotionally and possibly sexually? That's much more likely. No child wants to know that a parent would write them off so easily.

I would not pursue this or try to make this right with her. You have done nothing wrong. If she refuses to see that and continues to keep herself removed from your life, maybe that's for the best for now. She needs to understand that you are an adult, your decisions are your own, and that throwing a tantrum will not solve anything. As her child, she should love and support you, even if she does not love everything you do. And giving in to her behavior would be to validate her opinion that, if she becomes loud and stubborn enough, you will give in to her demands, even if her demands are unrealistic. That's not fair to you, and honestly it's not fair to her either. The two of you need to find a middle ground and learn how to be mother and ADULT daughter, not mother and child.

Excellent.

But I would add that your mom may have had similar 'younger years' experience, that she wanted to be sure you didn't have (sex without marriage or just sex with someone that her parents didn't approve of or whatever).

Parents naturally want to protect their kids from their own misfortunes and mistakes of the past, and usually hope and pray they (you) don't go down the same road they did.

Assuming your mom had a similar issue in her younger years - it may be the real source of the isolation from you, and not because of your behaviour, just that it ratted out mom's intense rejections of it.

I'd walk slow and think long and hard about this. No need for any kind of immediate confrontation, if you're ok with your choices now, and things are ok with you... and you feel secure in them, imagine your mom in the same place before you were born... but possibly lost and dumped. This is a very personal issue, and could only be resolved by you talking to her directly. Forget the phone - this is something that can only be done in person. And it won't be fun.

You may want to think about trying the direct one on one approach. I would ask, "mom, why have you stopped talking to me because of my relationship with x?".

I'm a parent too, of several kids and I can understand how this game can be played. This topic is never easy for ANY parent! My own mother loved me half the time, hated me the other half, for such stupid things...

Best of luck.

Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately getting her on the phone is my only option right now as I am on a bus touring the country and parts of canada for the next three months.

I have tried everything to get her reason. However, I am going to write her a letter and then be done there is nothing more I can do. If she doesn't want to help me through my other heart breaks she doesn't have to. Apparently my mother wants to break my heart too.

***I wrote this to Sara, a few hours ago on another thread of hers..I think it was called "Older Man"..I wanted to put it here but the second poster had addressed her and she had not answered...By doing this I would be cutting her off and it would not have been polite... Seeing I looked pretty much of an airhead in some of my responses above, I do want to add it here....I still stand in back of what I said in this post....***

Dear Sara:
I have been writing to you for the last few days not truly knowing who you are...This afternoon I took the time to read your posts...In my correspondence with you, I have found something missing...Today it hit me...Are you madly in love with this man as a woman should be? Were you glowing with happiness?.....Even looking at your old posts, I found the same thing...What I found was a young woman really not in touch with herself and not knowing what real love was...I question now if you even know this now at this later date in life...Sure you have consummated this relationship, but have you truly touched each other's soul...I wonder, you say you love him, but do you love him because you have known him all this time or because he has told you that he loved you? Did you make the pieces fit into place even though you had to force them? When a woman is in sexual heat, it is wild...At least it is with me...You crave his touch and all about you is alive...I did not see this with you then and I am not sure it is there now...Or even if it has ever been there...

You are on the band scene...I know that scene..I had a 16 year old daughter that let a 29 year old man do her and thought she was the luckiest woman (what a joke) in the world...She threw this at me when she was mad....So....you gave it up, now it is gone....So what else is new?

Now for your Mother...If she doesn't want to talk to you so be it...You are leading your life and not her...Forget about her and do your thing..Move in with your girlfriend and fly....Break free and have the time of your life...Memphis is a hot town...Been there many times....I never in my life was mad what my daughter did....It was what she didn't do that got to me....But I also have two sons, so I am OK...Sometimes I wonder about the Mother-Daughter relationship...Personally, I think it sucks....But that is me....God, I laugh as I write this, as if my daughter could see me now it would blow her mind....Proud....She would burst her buttons....But, she did me wrong...We do not speak....

Now about your guy....You asked me if you should leave him...After reading your posts, I would probably still say yes....Not because he may have cheated (and possibly did) but because you are not of the same mold....You fell in with him because it was the thing to do...He is your hero...Me, I fell in love with the hunk that I am married to because I was juicy every time I looked at him and am to this day.....This is another thing with your older man....You have an age difference that sexually could be a bombshell...Men age faster than woman and it is my experience that we get hornier and hotter as we age...They don't....What you want you just may not get...End of that story as I think you understand what I am saying....

I wanted to write this to make everything plain...I should have read all your posts the night you wrote me, but honey it was so darn late...Personally, I think you are fantastic, but grow, learn, love many times and don't let a Mother dictate who, what, when and how you live your life....

Much love,
Caroline