Its been about 3 months since the death of my mom, she died just a couple days before my 18th birthday due to lung cancer...i kind of knew this was coming, but i never really thought it would happen(if that makes sense). sometimes i have my good days where i can think about it and still go on with my daily life, but sometimes i can't. And on the days that i can't handle all my emotions, i feel horrible. It sucks cause all of my friends still have their parents, and i just find it unfair that my mom died because i cared so much for her. It makes me jealous to see people at my school talk so bad about their parents while for the past seven years, i've devoted so much of my life to caring for my mom, and now she is gone. i feel like i've hit a wall, like i don't know how to move on. Since her death, i've lost my faith in religion. this is something i can't help at all...i feel so isolated from my friends..i dont want to talk to them about my mom because they don't know what its like..i still have my sister and father, who we all love each other very much, but none of the love can cure my heartache for my mom.i am going off to college at UC Davis, which is 8 hours away from where i live, next fall; and will time really help? how can i move on? any words of comfort or advice would really help me out..thank you.
I have never responded to a post like this. But I found myself googling this topic today because I have dealth with a similar loss and have never looked up any literature or helpful hints on the topic. In all honesty I am googling this topic because I have finally decided to seek external help in dealing with the loss of my own mother (about 3 years ago-to cancer, as well). So, I may not be in any place to be giving advice but I will try.
I empathize so well with your feelings of loss, of jealousy and of anger. It will probably be like that for some time, where you have good days where the sun is shining and everything is fine and you feel strong and independent without them. There will also be days as you said, where you don't know how to deal, where you want to lash out at others and be angry at them for enjoying what you never will again. At time like this I think of memories I had with my mother and look through pictures and keep sakes of her. I sometimes talk to her, and though you have lost your faith in religion, I often pray and speak to her that way as well. It is hard to keep faith at these times, but during my mothers illness I know her faith helped her deal. I cannot turn my back on religion because I know that life is a part of death, and death a part of life. It is not God dealing out vengence, it is just the way things are.
You and your family were probably the biggest support and enabled her to live out her life as long as she did. Try and remember things like that, instead of thinking that u gave her 7 years for nothing. Those are now cherished memories. I have other friends who lost parents at younger ages, or whose parents simply walked out on them for reasons beyond their control or reason. I try and think of those things as well when I am feeling super low. I know it is hard, but try and be thankful or happy that it happened, that you had such a wonderful prescense in your life, instead of sad or regretful that you no longer have it.
In reality, nothing probably will ever "cure" you of your heartbreak. Mourning is a normal process with no time constraint. You will simply get more used to the idea and fill your life with other people that love and support you. Even though you are moving far from your family, and even though your mother is gone physically, they are your support system and always will be no matter the space or time between you. Try and live your life to the best of your ability for her and for them, I try and keep that always in the back of my mind that I am here as a result of her and will live my life the way she raised me to. I could probably go on all day but there are no real answers to your questions. It is different for every person.
I hope this helps, at least a bit. It helped me to know that someone out there is feeling the same way as me Good luck to you.
If you check back, I too lost my mom when I was 18. She had kidney cancer that spread and was diagnosed late. I am now a 35 yr old woman with two boys aged 16 and 6.
The pain of losing your mother never goes away, it just changes. It becomes a part of you, a more bearable part that doesn't weigh so heavily as the years pass.
I was terribly angry from age 18 almost until age 30. I would go into a rage over minor things like car breaking down, someone saying something I didn't like, having extra crappy day etc. When really, I was hurting over losing my mom. It seemed to make me angry at the world for some time.
My biggest advice is get some counseling. Try out talking to someone, keep trying until you find a therapist you are comfortable with. Residual feelings from losing parent so young can negatively affect your life in ways one doesn't necessarily realize until later. ***Get your feelings out with a professional sooner rather than later. I waited too long to get counseling and I feel it affected my quality of life all throughout my twenties.***
Special situations like birthdays, graduations, going off to college, Mother's Day, Christmas, when you become a mother yourself and realize your mom won't know you as a mom or as adult can be devastating. Know you are not alone in feeling this way. Many women including myself are on this journey with you.
I recommend a great book called Motherless Daughters. Also, most Hospice locations offer grief counseling or group meetings with other young adults who've lost a parent. It helps to know you aren't alone, it helps to get tips from a professional on how to navigate life without your mom and your feelings surrounding it.
It's okay to cry and feel what you feel as it comes. Grief comes more in waves, as opposed to a linear process that only gets less over time. At times it will be exacerbated when you least expect it. Other times you will feel more at peace. Just ride out those waves, feel what you feel. It's okay.
Try to look upon yourself and love yourself as your mom would have looked upon and loved you. It is what she would want. Focus on the little pleasures in life and how much you have ahead of you, try to be present and absorb all the opportunities around you for happiness and experience.
As a mom who lost her mom, sending warm thoughts to you.