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How to deal w/ a controlling mother? (Page 1)

I just got into a fight with my mom. I know this might sound silly, but I''m 30 years old, and my mom keeps trying to control my life, and no matter what I say, or do, she thinks that she knows me better than myself. I know that something so silly shouldn''t affect me, but it really hurts me to be in bad terms with someone I love.

For the past 4 months I haven''t taken classes neither worked. I''m a housewife who is trying to take care of her husband, and finish some projects at home. For the first time in my life, I''m trying to put myself first, stop trying to please everyone, and doing what I really like/ want. For example, something I have always wanted to do is play tennis, so I started taking lessons, so I could play with husband, and we would have something in common, and something to do together. However, for the past 4 months, every time I have talked to my mom she is always asking me: When are you going back to school? Have you gotten a job, yet? Every time, my answer remains the same... According to her, if I''m not working or studying, I''m not happy... So today she told me (with irony): "well... if you are happy" ... "so what?, are you still playing tennis?"

The problem with my mom is that I was never allowed to confront her or give her my opinion... She has always been "the boss", and whatever she says, we (my siblings, dad and me) do. Every time we try to talk to her, she takes it in the worst possible way, she shuts herself off, and she feels that all we are doing is attacking her... It''s really difficult to deal with someone like that because we always have to worry not to hurt her feelings... But I can only take so much...

So today I replied (using the nicest tone possible): "Why do you always ask me if I''m working or studying? What makes you think that I''m not happy? Have I made any comments? Have I said anything that made you think I''m unhappy or depressed?" and all she said was (already mad): "well, sometimes your voice doesn''t reflect happiness and joy..." "...anyway, I may say things like these because I''m tired, I have been cleaning all day..." "... I''ll let you go back to your things, bye" She pretty much hung up on me... I squeezed: "mom! Don''t get mad, I''m just trying to talk to you" "I want to be able to talk to you", but all she said was: "It''s fine, bye."

I really don''t know what to do... I know I can''t allowed my mom to control my life, but at the same time, I can''t even talk to her... I feel that I owe her sooooo much... She has done so much for me, and I feel that I have been the best daughter I could have been... But situations like this really trouble me because I don''t know how to handle them... For example, right now, I feel that I was so disrespectful with my mom, and I''m such a bad daughter for hurting her feelings... I feel really guilty... and at the same time, I''m tired of always saying and doing whatever would please my mom...

Am I making any sense? Any advice?
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First Helper Mochadelicious
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Users who thank EveM10 for this post: jj2189  TadTN  TadTN 

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replied April 14th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi EveM10,

The role of a Mother will always be that, "a role". Your mother only wants the best for you because she loves you very much, as I'm sure you know. However, she doesn't see you as grown up, she sees you as her daughter ( regardless of your age). Every Mother, parent wants for their child what they themselves didn't have (you didn't mention if your mother went to college), nevertheless, she knows having an education is your ticket to having not only things you need but things you want which will enhance the quality of life for you and your family.

She is simply playing the only role she knows, whereas, she doesn't see it as beinng, bossy or treating you like a child, she sees it as doing what all good Mothers do, nuture, love, encourage (give advice wether needed or not), this is all she knows.

Ask your mother if she would like to play tennis with you, she just needs something to do and someone to give all of that bottled up wisdom to. She just may be scared that she isn't needed as much now that her children are older and feel unhappy herself. You have tried many ways to tell her to let go, trust you but she doesn't want to let go because you and your dad and other sibling is her life, although, you have lives of your own.

Encourage her to take up a hobby. What does she like to do in her spare time? There are so many ways she can use her wisodm and experiences of life w/o running you stir crazy. She can volunteer at the hospital or do arts and crafts at the senior citizen complex...anything that she would be happy with and feel needed.

Good Luck Dear,

Faded Rose
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replied March 25th, 2013
F/U Faded Rose Smile As a psychiatrist in the the field for over 22 years......not right.....stop giving advice on this website !
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replied June 2nd, 2013
I can't believe I am reading this, and even worse is that the recipient is thankful for it...this mother's behavior is not normal, and this advice won't work.
My mother is exactly the same, and if there is one thing I have learned it is that they don't change.
EveM10 Try finding good support with family and friends, because what you need to do will cost you and drain you emotinally, but it is necessary if you want your freedom. You need to stand up to your mother, set up boundaries and also make some sort of distance from your mother. Tell her you love her, and I am sure you do, but you don't owe her your life or your compliance.
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replied April 14th, 2010
Thank you so much for your wise words. Everything you have said it''s true, and I know it. However, it would be nice if I could talk to her without her getting mad...
(My mom didn''t go to college, her father died when she was a teenager, and she broke up with everybody else in her family - including her mom and siblings - I love her to death, but she has a very strong personality, and she can be very stubborn - when you are out, you are out!).

I have been very blessed in my life. My husband gives me everything, from love to material needs. I really feel that I''m not missing a thing. We get to travel, and we try to enjoy our lives as much as we can.

Unfortunately, I have never finished college because life put me through some big challenges, and the reason why I''m taking a break now is because we (my husband and I) have been trying to get pregnant for a long time (2 years) without any luck. Therefore, I''m trying to get rid of as much stress as I can (up to last December I was working, studying, and taking care of my house and husband). I have always believed in a college degree, that''s why I went back to school, but since I''m from another country, I had to start from the beginning... Anyway, I tried to have it all, get pregnant and finish college, but I just need a break right now, and I need to slow down a little bit... Smile
Being 30 years old and having to go to school with very young people it''s not easy, and trying to get pregnant and not being able, it can really hurt a woman''s feelings...

I would love to invite her to play tennis with me, or do things together, but we live in different countries. I know that is hard for her because she doesn''t get to see me as much, but it''s also hard for me too. I''m alone in this country, no family (except for my in-laws - they are a blessing), and no friend... I have had to adapt to a new culture, a new language, a new life style, all by myself and always showing a smile. I never let my family know when things were not so easy...

If I ever mention the word "hobby" to her, that would be one of the worst insults someone could ever say to her. She doesn''t really have a lot of free time anyway. Her house is bigger than what they can maintain. She has always tried to do business on her own. For her, being an employee is like being a slave, and she has always let my dad know that (he is an employee)... She even complaints all the time that she doesn''t even have time to take care of herself, and she is always reminding us of all the sacrifices she has done for my siblings and I. I have always brought "A"s, always one of the top students. I have never done drugs, smoked, or gotten into trouble. I have always helped around the house. I used to constantly clean my house (their house now), and would even take care of dinner pretty often. But everything I have done, I have done it with a smile and because I wanted to, because I wanted to show my appreciation for what I had.
So yes, I know that she misses me, and that she needs me, but sometimes I would love her to give in a little bit.
She is someone who thinks that she never is wrong, so I know that if I don''t call and apologies to her, she would never call, she would suffer, but she would never call, because in her mind, she has never done anything wrong. I know this by fact because this is exactly what she tells me every time we talk about her family. Also, we have had other fights in the past, and I have always apologies to her because I think its stupid to let pride be in between one and the ones one loves...

Anyway, being able to write all this down is a plus, and it''s already helping, and having people like you who actually take their time to read my post and even reply is priceless. So, thank you very much!
I know everything will be OK. It always is... It''s just that life sometimes hits you from so many different angels that it can be very overwhelming... Smile
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replied August 4th, 2011
Sorry to say this,...but your mother has the spirit of a jezebel. I know this because my mother is the exact same way!!! I am 37 years old and she still tries to control me,..but I had to separate myself from her in order to keep peace and to my husband!!! Read up on the jezebel spirit. ( google it )... and I guarantee you.... you will begin to find closure on why your mom act the way she does. It's a spirit from SATAN!!!
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replied March 21st, 2012
Queen Jezebel - the Bible got it wrong
My name is Jezabel and I don't have that spirit...it's a myth and something the Bible made up based on men who were threatened by women with power at the time. So be careful on using a name in history, that has many different interpretations, without knowing the truth behind the name. And how time distorts actual history to conform. I've read much history on her. You look it up. An actual history book. Queen Jezebel (mine is spelled with an 'a') Queen of the Phoenicians: ahead of her time. leader, pioneer capitalist, trade route inventor, her people invented the alphabet, etc. The Bible isn't a history book. Learn before you use the language erroneously. Thank you.
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replied May 10th, 2013
You are so right! I am also 37 years old and my mom tries to control my life, live her dreams through mine, nothing I mean NOTHING is ever good enough for her. I was a straight A student back in school and college. All-State athlete, the whole nine. Always had to work hard, work harder, try to impress, out do, accomplish. She always wants things her way, tries to tell me how to be a Mom, how to do this, how to do that. I get off the phone with her and I literally feel suicidal. She doesn't like my husband she thinks he's demeaning, controlling, and hateful, but she is too. Go figure! I could make a $100,000 a year and she would say the house, cleaning, cooking, my child is suffering. If I stay-at-home like I've done then I have to hear from people you don't make a $100,000 and could. Can't frigging win! Her latest is women are "wussies" comments and immature. Women need to grow up. I get so damn tired of hearing her say that. Or her famous "Absolutely not." My daughter is also an over achiever, but I still want her to have a life and friends, not control to the point of low self-esteem. My mom has no problem calling people names, being a royal b****. Nothing, I mean nothing makes that woman happy. Nothing!
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replied March 21st, 2014
I feel we have the same mother. I live in another country as well. I just finished skyping with my mother and was once again very annoyed. I moved away from home to be with my husband that she does not approve of. We have been doing well for ourselves but it is not good enough for her. Since I have lived here my career has been going well, however just a few month ago I decided to become a stay at home mom. Since then she constantly pushes me to find a new job and that I can't stay at home forever ("forever", my baby is 4 months old!). We Skype a lot because I want her to be able to see her grandchild and we are going to visit my family in a couple of months but I have learned in the past to not talk to her as often and to not tell her a lot of details. I think it is sad because I want to talk to her about everything but I know she will later use it against me.
As far as not getting pregnant, we have tried for 7 years, an ectopic pregnancy before the last one and now we have a beautiful baby. I know it is tough but hang in there!
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replied April 30th, 2010
MAybe when you stop feeling stressed you'll get pregnant, when you stop thinking about it...It's a very usual thing! Dont' fell bad if you don`t get pregnant yet, it`s not a task exactly but a wonderful choice of you and the man you love! And just don`t let your mom to get into your life so much, be nice but keep far. You're not bad and maybe neither she, but her way of be is dangerous for your relationship, so just don be telling her everything in your life, you're grown up and definitely can handle! I'm 21 and feel sometimes like you, I left 2nd year of university cuz I hated my career, and what makes me unhappy is not the fact that I don't study nor work, is the fact of feel no value person, what my family makes me feel.
Please take care nd be confident, trust your husband and love yourself! You can do whatever you dream, don`t let other poeple to get in the way, because only you can live your life! A big hug, and good luck! ^^
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Users who thank brokendoll for this post: Shoka 

replied February 11th, 2011
to: EveM10
Faded Rose only mentioned your mothers intention but not your feelings or the fact that your mother sounds jealous/even envious of your life which it terribly sad, really. She sounds very controlling like my own mother. It is disturbing to acknowledge that about your mother but it actually happens, and once you accept it you can heal faster from it..it is n¡more common than you think for mothers to feel envious of their daughters. You sound like a considerate person and there is nothing faulty in you having whatever hobbies you chose to have. You are fortunate to have married a man who seems to please you and cater to your needs, how nice, enjoy it..! But that is not you fault, he might have arrived in your life because you must deserve him girl Wink
I think BROKEN DOLL´s words are wise regardless of her young age, very possibly you could get pregnant once stress fades away. Best to you! Hablas espanol como yo?
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replied May 31st, 2011
i think my mum is controlling too, im 32 years old, mother of 2, work hard, go to college, married. i have done well for myself in life i feel. since i was a teenager my mum has been so easily angered, arguing with my friends, always suspicious of people, and again i cannot talk to her about this issues as she just gets so mad? for example, this weekend i was away working, my husband was looking after the children, he took them to the zoo, to a party at their friends and had a great time, he told me that my mother had called in a few times, first stating that my house was just so dirty i should be ashamed ( i tireless clean, i am very house proud), after she verbally battered him about not spending enough time with our daughter( she is the favourite grandchild of my children), she then left. My husband then took our children to their little party, whilst he was their my mother was calling him on his phone, he thought it rude to answer whilst at a guests house, but returned the call as he left, my mother than said that she had been trying to get hold of him (for something totally unimportant and not urgent) and that she had found where one of his friends lived, found his phone number in the directory and tried calling him to find my husbands where abouts?!!i was mortified to say the least.. luckily he had been out with his children and wife so did not answer, but it made me so mad, i would have been humiliated, so i slept on it, calmed down and called her today to discuss it. i was very calm and chatted for 5 mins before i asked her if she had done this, she then began saying 'yes i did, i needed to ask him if he had left the meat cooking in the oven, i was worried' so i said that as she has a key and lives 2 mins away, if she was that worried, next time please just pop in, please dont call our friends as it makes us look stupid.. she then started shouting, that how dare i lecture her, just shouting over me and then goodbye and hung up.. im now waiting on the call from my dad to start having a go at me for upsetting my mother.. is that weird? is it me? should i find that humilitating? is she unreasonable?.. i cannot talk to her, she shouts over me and then plays the victim to my dad, who understandably always side with my mum. but its getting too much now, always involved in everything, looking up my freinds, finding out where they live, being argumentative, always calling, its dividing me and my husband.. thing is i love my mum very much, she is a great mum, she looks after my kids alot ( although then uses it against me), but im getting to the point where i dont know what to do? she also says my 15 month old son is too much trouble to look after and just wants to take my daughter, then she ll say im ignoring my daughter and favouring me son?? i LOVE MY BABIES EQUALLY AND WITHOUT FAVOURITISM, but yet she throws this at me all the time? but we feel (and my dad admitted when drunk once) that our daughter is their favourite and they dont have time for my son..PLEASE HELP ME X
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replied August 4th, 2011
Sorry to say this,...but your mother has the spirit of a jezebel. I know this because my mother is the exact same way!!! I am 37 years old and she still tries to control me,..but I had to separate myself from her in order to keep peace and to my husband!!! Read up on the jezebel spirit. ( google it )... and I guarantee you.... you will begin to find closure on why your mom act the way she does. It's a spirit from SATAN!!!
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replied July 16th, 2011
I have been trying to solve the problems i have with my mother and i found ur post. Ur mom just reminds me of my mom. I was going to depression in the past couple of months. I feel bad i have to admit that my mom is the reason for it. I have been trying to escape from living with her (Im 22) for a long time, since i was i highschool i went abroad cos i wanted to have a teenage life partying and dating and going out. Luckily i got all that but when i had to live with her again, its like she suck all the life out of me even though i get to live with my mom, she does have really good sides on her just we have really different attitude and she's very controlling and i HATE being in controlled.
I have been asking questions on yahoo and everywhere but most replies seems to lead to another questions or excuses of why those replies dont answer my problems......I was reading about"how to deal the impossible person" and i realized, no matter what i do, i cant change her. All i could do was maintain my possitive attitude, the fact that she's impposible makes me understand how to deal with her even more.
It is sso hard to balance it but thank your mom for being so controlling and gave u lessons to make u strong, if u get through this, life seems to be a lot easier and no one really has an effect on me anymore since i have "AN IMPOSSIBLE MOTHER".........sometimes i think of her as a joke, i know it sounds really bad but its better for me and for her.
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replied December 8th, 2011
Controlling Moms
I am 35 years old and I have a controlling mom. Thanks for everyone for share it makes ot easier to know that there are other people in my kind of situation. Sometimes laughing helps. I had to move out of my mother's house. Living with my mom and step dad was very uncomfortable. So I bought my furnitures little by little while I searched for my apartment. When I got the apartment and reafy to move in, I tell my mom. I had to tell her when my plan was set because she would throwguilt trip, manipulate, humiliate, and try to persuade beyond my control to stop me. She was angry and upset when I told her. She somewhat agreed afterwards but still she try to persuade me it is better to be close to your mom and also she kept on an telling me to move. When I get a job tjat I like and she doesn't she tells me to get another job. My mom and dad separated whrn I was ten years old. I am closer to my dad, but my mom hates it up till now. She has told me that other peoplr told her to break up the relationship between my dad and I. Through that she is trying everything to break it up. I look at her and laugh at times. My sister is younger znd closr to my mom so, of my mom complains to my sister, then my sister eho is younget tjan ,e gets on my case.

It seems never ending. MY situation with my mom is controlling, manipulative andbullying relatiomship. I am glad I have move aeay from her. It is terrifyong because she would do anytjing and use anyone as a eay for me to be close relation to her. Just the other day she says she want us in close relationship, but I donot want to because I am not close with my mom. Like she said that since I was a baby I have been close to my dad. The relatioship with my mom has been abusive, anger, manipulation,controlling, and forceful. That is the relatioship it has been, and Inwish I did move to where my dad lived. I am a Christian and I prayed, and GOD provides way of escapes and ideas when things happens. Be strong and of good courage God cares, and He knows what is happening. I hope this provides comfort and hope. Thank you everyone for sharing. Ourmoms needs help that we cannot even help them because I believe they won't listen to, but to other people who thinks they are innocent.
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replied September 13th, 2011
I also so have a controlling mother.I'm 34 and she still treats me like a 12 yr.old child.She still tries to tell me what to do,what not to do,who I can be friends with,where I can and can't go,etc.Not only does she do this to me,she also treats my daughter the same way.Example,I'll give my daughter permission to go to a slumber party at a friends home or to go on a school trip then my mother will just say oh no she's not!I love her to death but I just can't take it anymore.I know she loves me and would do anything for me,but I don't call this kind of treatment love.I feel if you love your children,you should let them go and lead their own lives once they get grown!Maybe if I didn't live next door to her it wouldn't be so bad,but one time when my husband thought about changing jobs,I told her we may move.She lost it and flat out told my and I we were not moving anywhere and we were never gonna take her grandchild away from her.My husband and I are very responsible adults,so there is no reason at all for her to treat us this way.She never acts like this in front of my father,he works off most of the time.But,if I try to talk to her about this,she goes crying to him like I'm such a terrible daughter.Then I feel guilty,like it's all my fault!So,as a result I keep doing what she wants and I keep trying to please her once again! Something has got to give,she is driving me crazy!Would distance solve this problem?
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replied September 23rd, 2011
controlling mom
My mom treats me like a little kid too....always giving me chores, telling me where I can and cannot go, for example, I can't go to Arkansas to visit my boyfriend because my grades might be too low. SERIOUSLY?! I haven't seen him since August and might not see him till November for Thanksgiving and I can't go just once to see him BECAUSE OF MY GRADES??? WHAT AM I 12? She also points out the fact that she doesn't trust the car but I know she means she doesn't trust me with the car. I have had some small accidents lately and we do almost lose our insurance but I haven't had an accident in 4 months and I'm really careful now. I am in college living at home and hating it just want to get out of here!! I'm also 20 if anyone cares.
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replied January 9th, 2012
I hear you all. I am 35 and I have been saying I want to get out of here my whole life. Mothers who are controlling are usually very afraid, jealous and or unhappy with their lives. I did move away for six years but I was unfortunate because I met a real winner of an ex who turned out to be crazy and needed help to get away from him.
Alas, finally a chance to really lock in and get control. My advice is just to learn how to meditate, like it's just a brick wall talking to you, or remember the good and forget the bad. Easier said than done, right. sometimes it's almost impossible, but you can't give up....some people no matter how quote kind or good they are, are really just sucking the life out of others without realizing it. Advice is on thing, but sometimes too much emphasis on the bad in life can really make your thoughts turn negative and draw that situation to you even more. Stay positive!!! And never, ever let yourself start thinking that things won't change! You can learn to deal with her, or find a way out! Once you start feeling as bad as you do when you're around them all the time, you know it's not you, they don't need to be there to make you feel bad, because they've put the prison in your mind.
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replied January 23rd, 2012
controling,nosy,bossy mom
ok soo im pretty young compared to all of you. Im 18. im a senior in high school. im adhd and special ed. i have a hard time listening to authority. i like to do as i want and when i want. and thats one of my problems with my mom. my mom was a very very sheltered child growing up and im nothing like her when she was growing up. i drink and smoke which she hates. Im a person who gets annoyed easily so i like to have my door closed. she hates that but its obvious that i dont care. shes nosy, she wants to know EVERYTHING about me. i told her that if i tell her stuff that she doesnt know bout me it will totally change how she thinks of me and she still wanted to know. im very sexual with my bf and she doesnt need to know bout my sex life which she thinks she does need to know. she found 2 packs of cigs already and threw them away. shes constantly telling me what to do and she makes a huge deal if i dont do it right. shes up my a** everyday bout school. but im moving out after i graduate this year. she thinks i dont care bout school, my weight or anything when i actually do. but my weight... i want to do more but shes not letting me. school... i know what im doing and if she wasnt up my a** all the time things would be different. she doesnt realize how better it would be if she would just leave me alone. her and my bf get along way better than me and my mom. its that bad... and all my friends that have met her hate her. she also likes to talk a lot of sh*t. i hate it.
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replied April 2nd, 2012
i'm a 35 year old male with a controlling mother. I let her control me to just get her off my back. I haven't been able to leave the home. She won't let me have any friends, so I am a very lonely person. I spend all my time at home with my chihuahuas. I have lost the ability to socialize. But i think this is what my mom wants. She tells me that she wants me to be independent and do things for myself, but she just can't let go. She also controls my dad. I am a prisoner to my mom. Help me!
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replied June 19th, 2012
Frustrated
Wow, i didnt realised there are so many other mothers who are like to control everything. I'm 26 and my mom still trying to control who I'm going out with, especially girl. I understand she wants to give the best for me, wanted everything to be perfect... but she doesn't realise we have to work for perfection. she always said having girlfriend will give me extra burden in life, and I'll be tied and won't have freedom anymore. On the other hand, I feel so much more better with someone that I can care and love. I always wonder why she can't understand that not everything she is doing to me is good. I really dont understand that. I love my mother A LOT and I would want to give my best to her too... but everything I did is always wrong... she is never satisfy with anything, apart from her own wish.
I have come to a point where I'm really lost and not sure what to do.. I'm looking for psychologist now who probably can give better answer.
Fingers crossed
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replied July 24th, 2012
im reading these and theyre leaving me speechless, ive felt really alone because theres no one ive been able to relate to until now. i keep praying to God, but its hard to not have these hateful feelings towards her being only human. one word i could use to describe her is demon. i can no longer look at her and see my mom. it really hurts my heart to know that i cant even get myself to really respect her as thats what God wants. ever since i met God, ive wanted to reveal his word to her, but shes so far from it that the idea is not even approachable. My Dad and I have a great relationship because of God. He wasnt there my whole life but only due to her crazy..i'm sure you guys understand just what i mean by crazy...so you too could understand why he wasn't. My mother does not have God and im not sure she really wants to, i have a peace that she will never have and i feel she hates that. she hates that my dad and i are so close, but the past is the past. she holds onto the past like no tomorrow and cant forgive and doesnt. she doesnt have trust, communication, forgiveness, peace, nothing. she needs God, only he can truly heal and help her. i just dont know how to reveal his word to her...safely. i struggle with letting God takeover this for me.
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replied August 3rd, 2012
32 female dealing with controlling mother
Im happy to know im not alone. My mother is too controlling and manipulative.My story started out after i had my first child which she is 8 now. She had lead poisoning first time i ever knew that exsited i advise all to get informed its dangerous and almost lost my daughter's life cause of it. But anyways she had to stay with my mother for awhile due to contractors removing the lead. Well she did stay and my mother keeped her at the time she took her i didnt know i could of pressed charges on her for kidnapping she came into my house walked in and took her out. I was in the other room and i get a phone call.My mother says i have your daughter she is going to stay with me your not getting her back and if you press charges i can get u for not letting me see her.Which she was all the time visting and wanting to babysit so i thought thats what it was. I didnt know the law at the time. My second daughter who is 6 mom did it again when we lived at an apt she walked in and took her and said i m not getting her back. Now my mom went back to school got educated and used all the legal etc against me and even tried to find a councler who would say i had bi polar etc .Now im 32 yrs old every councler i ve been to says im none of thoes just the only prob i have is my controlling mother really making life stressful for me. Now i found out if my mother can find one to say im bi polor or have mental issues the court will give her permanent rights and i will have none. Only way she can do it. She recently had a notery noterize a paper for temp custody of my girls.So my mom is using my girls against me and saying well its only for their best interest.My dad wants to divorce her but she brings up the kids she wont let him see them if he divorces her.Neither my dad nor me can talk to anyone,do anything or just live life without it going through her and all i ever hear is what not to do and anyone who likes me or i get along with is no good worthless etc thoes are her choice of words. i cant go outside on steps , up town to waterfountain where i like to think read etc without her stalking me with her friends.Which her friends lie and say they saw me at a bar when my dad tells her no i seen her up at the fountain when i drove by.But she says dad isnt truthful but her friends are. My mom worries about her rep,power,authortity soo much its tearing family apart no one wants to be around her but noone wants to fight against what she is doing either.I dont know what to do.Today she was really upset see i used the cell she let me use so i sent a blank msg to a friend which sent it back to me blank and i used default wallpapers on phone to send and have it sent back now doing so i knew if she is checking who im talking to this would be a great way to catch her.Needless to say it worked.she admitted she checked the send and recieve and she put my friend on block.Said im not allowed to talk to anyone but family or doctors thats it.She says anyone who talks to me is a scum bag thats the terms she uses.I just feel like i wanna leave my identity become new in a new place etc but its hard when you have kids you love soo much and dont know how to get them back after your mom has an attorney she knows and is prob messing around with thats on her side. and i cant afford a lawyer. So yea i think my mother is the greatest example of jezeabell spirit. now how do i get her out of my life how do i deal with her what do i say to her when she starts her crap.I feel like she is driving me crazy im way passed respect for her or even caring about her she has hurt me too much in my life sience childhood.Im happy to know u guys are real cold toward your mothers but I admit im cold and all i want is to live my life without her always there to control etc. i gave all my unconditional love for her way too much for too long now i feel nothing but hate for her sad it had to get like that for me.

hoping nature and balance kicks in somewheres in my life cause my mind can only handle soo much. my spirit is broken my mind is torn and i just want her to stop.

my councler says she is one of the worst he has heard about and whats even more worse is she is identical a female version of my ex boyfriend who i got away from not even a yr ago dont think its even been 6 months yet. soo all this in one yr or less way too much for me

i hope u all get better to.wished we all could group togeather and fight back and take back what mothers people like this has taken weather it be mothers boyfriends whoever.Its a war that must be fought time it takes to tear us apart is time we can take back to do even more to the ones who has done this too us.We really need to stand togeather and fight back it can be won and in time we can heal.

blessed be everyone
ty for letting me talk
i need to air it out

i just wanna be me
i just wanna live to be me
i just wanna love
i just wanna give
i dont just wanna waste to nothing

im a prisoner in my own life
I m a victim of evil spirit
i m wanting to be set free
i m wanting to live and love just being me

no more controlling people
no more children getting hurt
no more pain,agony,and torture

just waiting for peace
just waiting for the end
just waiting for all of us to be free
live love and laugh

the last three words
hope it comes true
one day for me and you.

blessed be everyone my heart goes out to each of you. sorry u guys have to go through this to but at least we are not alone.its strength in its own way for each of us.Treasure the peace you get knowing your not alone cause when the controlling person comes back the peace is gone when they leave. So hold strong to the peace you feel or you may end up cold like me and just wanna disappear all togeather and start over fresh.

PS: new here and just ran onto this when i was looking up to see if i was the only one .......
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replied October 10th, 2012
This one is an easy one for me. I took some courses in this family/ life repair and ways to be ultra effective. And everyone in the place who was older then me kept running into this same issue. 3 Years later, here I am, same as you but I am 29 and my mom is passive aggressive so it's like that, but quiet and L I V E!

Okay, so her stuff she is doing represents this martial arts poem I heard.

"If you lay low, your problems will stand tall".


So, from watching Criminal Minds I learned one thing. If people act aggressive. Or they fold their arms. Anything from a defensive place, like having to answer a question and then bolting.

Is a sign of defense. Need distance.

Because, the honesty and subtlety cut through like a knife.


In the training course, what happened was people would find out "I hate this family member!" or "All I ever wanted was to have a normal relationship".

It went all over the place, but they ALL resolved their issues by doing one thing. A weird style of "communication".

Simple, just like you did. Do that, different ways and you establish a connection. Apparently, the issue is, once the need to control sets in for her, the communication stops.

Even though your speaking verbally or physically.

You are not communicating because her mind filter is blocking out your line in.

Aka denial but it's like, this weird self imposed denial from this condition called The Imposter Syndrome (just google it, but it's epic and also the kruegar-dunning effect).


All you have to do is force open the communication by doing what you did.

Then her defenses go down and you can act.

Or else it's an island fortress your talking to. Like that place on the movie the Expendables.

Stone Cold thought the island was safe and a cool job to have.

Look at what happened when he learned, no mom is an island and if she is, sylvester stalone will be on his way with Jason Statham and Jet Li.

The key is, this price is cheaper then the big guns.

The caveat is, only use it on the select you love. Because if you use that strategy a lot, it makes it less valuable. To you.

Then that creates a mind filter for you that says it's a very weak thing.

Ron Paul sums this up perfectly with one phrase:

"Words and ideas become meaningless from overuse, so we should be careful when ever we say anything!"
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replied November 27th, 2012
Holy cow, I am so glad to find this discussion. I am 37 years old and my mother controls my life. I had some troubles when I was married the first time; I got sick two months after my son was born and my husband left so I needed help, and she took control of my life and even though I am fine now she has not let go.

That was eight years ago. She controls what my son eats and what he wears, sits over him when he does his homework, goes to school and harasses his teachers, walks in and out of my house all evening long with silly excuses, and loses it completely whenever I try to set any boundaries. I am remarried now but we have not broken free. My dad is just as much under her thumb, and my brother cannot stand her ways and so he won't come around much any more.

I don't know what to do. I know she is crazy, and she needs me more than I need her now, but it's hard to deal with someone who is "helping" you all the time when you don't want help and who becomes irrational when the slightest thing doesn't go her way. She will argue about anything from what shirt to put on my son, to how sharp the pencil is for his homework, to who is going to lock the door when we leave the house, to what bowl to use to cook my so some Spaghetti-Os. Spaghetti-Os y'all! Sometimes I want to run away. It is totally amazing that I found two men in one lifetime who were willing to marry me knowing that they were marrying her too, and that the one I am married to now really is in this for life. Poor guy!

I feel a little better knowing I am not alone, so thank you all for sharing your stories, but I still have to wonder how we all got this way.
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replied December 5th, 2012
Crazy Mums!
My Mum is a control freak. She's always telling me what I should and and shouldn't do. I found out today that seeing me struggling, then coming in to 'save' me gives my Mum a weird sense of feeling important. I was told to move interstate with my boyfriend, get a new mobile number and not tell my parents where I live. Buy a landline and only give this number to my parents. Only have landline on for 1 hour a day. This would allow me to get confidence (stolen from her my whole life) and develop a sense of myself. Could this be our answer? P.S. I was also told to look into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. Mum could have this., Have a look...it could be our Mums!
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replied March 13th, 2013
Reply
Holy crap this was soooo helpful! I felt like I was reading about myself - our moms are so alike! Right now I'm working on standing up for myself when it comes to my mom. I'm planning a wedding and she always does this thing where she tries to guilt me into doing what she wants. Example, we're trying to put together a SMALL list for the ceremony of close family/friends and she's constantly trying to make me feel guilty so I'll add more people to the list because "they'll feel hurt that they weren't invited". So I'm sitting here feeling all stressed/anxious because she told me this, when in reality they don't even know. A friend told me this is probably cause back in her day weddings were different, and you always invited everybody. Well, times have changed, Mom! I finally am standing up for myself and feeling empowered, whether she likes it or not, this is MY life, MY wedding, and she is not allowed to treat me as she has any longer. I've decided that SHE can feel however she wants about what I choose to do with my own life - it's mine, not hers! Sure, she gave it to me, but I am in control of it now. And if she wants to be a part of my life, she needs to accept that and deal with it.
Best of luck to all of you to be EMPOWERED and to stand up to your controlling parents! I highly recommend the book Toxic Parents to give you some tips and insights to what your parents may have done to you, unknowingly or knowingly. I got the ebook and it's been super helpful.
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replied March 20th, 2013
Well - I am so glad I found this. I too am suffering from a controlling mother. I realized this when I hit perhaps 13 years old. By the time i hit 18, I applied to as many schools as I could in another country and was gone. I've recently moved back ( roughly 15 years later) and I'm living near my parents since we have a kid now. Yet I find my relationship slipping into those same issues. I've come to realize that while my mother has been able to exert control over my dad and my sibling, I on the other hand have managed to escape it. It's so hard for us to interact because it's her way or she plays the "I'm so hurt card". I feel bad because I try really hard to keep the peace, but I remember how it was impossible for me to be me when she was around. And I simply don't want to get back to that. I realize the only solution to the situation is my independence - which is why I had it by the ripe age of 20 years old. I'm loathe to get any favors from her because I feel like I'll be obligated to give in when she tells me to do something.

I've even noticed that her tactic has been to avoid me and then ask my husband if it's something she knows I'll say no to. Fortunately he and I are on the same page - and I've advised him not to give into in-law pressure ever. After all - he married me - not them! I love my mother dearly but I really feel like it's terribly difficult for us to coexist. I feel like we've been on two different planets mentally for the last 20 + years...
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replied May 10th, 2013
Same issues here too! Except I'm 37 and she still does it. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She can be mean, nasty, degrading. If something doesn't go her way she gets upset. Everyone has to cater to her and her crap. If she sees anyone else happy, she finds a way to poopoo on their parade. A good friend of mine finally got a great job, what's mom say "She should be home with her kids instead of sitting her fat rear in front of a computer." Or if I finally got the house totally clean, she comes to visit "You forgot the fan blades." I feel like my whole damn live has been a movie. One big show to impress Mommy and Daddy. Always had to over achieve, good grades, stay-in-shape, be financially secure, totally responsible, no fun, just serious straight and narrow and never make mistakes. It sucks bad! Oh well, that's for letting me vent!
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replied March 25th, 2013
WOW!
Dudes and dudettes (speaking to the public)!!
Speaking as a Psychiatrist with over 20 years of experience...... GET OVER IT......MOVE ON!!!! Don't take meds!! Love the ones in your life NOW!!!!
Seriously, it's all we have today.
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replied May 28th, 2013
Mom doesn't want to be apart of my life, yet she's controlling
I have a question regarding my mom, and I just wanted to throw this out there and see what other people thought. My mom doesn't make a big effort to be apart of my life. She lives with her boyfriend and his kid's have a bedroom there. If I go over there to see her, he and his kids are never there. He prefers it that way. "separate lives" almost. She has said "I just want to help you get through college and thats it". Meaning book expenses, and any classes I have to pay out of pocket. She has never paid the cost of living for me since I was 17. And recently she has told me that she is making other plans, and apparently I can't know about them. She is making plans that do not involve me being around her or in her life.

HOWEVER, she wants to control some aspects of my life, such as my money, and my decisions. Whats up with that? I can't figure out why a parent wouldn't want to be involved in their offspring's life and want to control it at the same time. I mean, I could totally see a parent who coddles and is overbearingly apart of their adult child's life wanting to control their adult child's life. But this however, It makes no sense (to me at least). I was hoping I could get an outsider's opinion. I'm just scratching my head, I'm puzzled and it's quite stressful.
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