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How to break up with boyfriend

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I've been with my partner since our freshman year of college. When we began dating we were young and I really didn't think much of the future. We're now both about to enter our senior year. I love and care about him VERY much, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I would love for us to be really good friends because he has become a major part of my life and his friendship means so much to me, but I'm not sure if its possible. I feel like staying in the relationship is helping him but slowly eating away at me. Deep down I'm not happy. Through this relationship I've isolated myself from all my friends and previous relationships. Whenever I think about breaking up with him it brings me to tears because I don't want to hurt him - I really love him, just not in that way. Whats a girl to do???? Crying or Very sad
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First Helper User Profile Sunshine8888
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Tell him you need some room. I know this seems dishonest from what you're really feeling but it is the truth. You don't dislike anything about your boyfriend. you just need to be free for a while. Explain what you've lost in maintaining the relationship. Be open to his objections or suggestions of compromises but ultimately don't accept what won't allow you to be happy. Offer him as much time away or support as he needs to adjust to the transition but make it clear that you need to stop being committed to him for a time so that you can reclaim the things that make you happy. Don't call it a "time-out" don't imply that it's going to be an "open relationship" You are breaking up tell him that.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Experienced User
W0LF wrote:
Tell him you need some room. I know this seems dishonest from what you're really feeling but it is the truth. You don't dislike anything about your boyfriend. you just need to be free for a while. Explain what you've lost in maintaining the relationship. Be open to his objections or suggestions of compromises but ultimately don't accept what won't allow you to be happy. Offer him as much time away or support as he needs to adjust to the transition but make it clear that you need to stop being committed to him for a time so that you can reclaim the things that make you happy. Don't call it a "time-out" don't imply that it's going to be an "open relationship" You are breaking up tell him that.


my GOD! this is actually outstanding advice. the thing i like about it is that the person "telling" him is actually telling the truth. put nicely as possible, but the truth nonetheless. i couldn't agree more.

i am a HUGE believer in being kind but blunt, not mincing words, but carefully saying what's on your mind (i know i'm an oddity for a woman, but...) i cannot stand mind games or someone who breaks up for some stupid and lying reason. if you've spent your life with someone over a period of months/years, give them the respect as you break up with them to tell them WHY.

don't let them try to change your mind, the subject is closed, but at least treat them with the dignity of telling them exactly why you're doing what you are doing.

if you can maintain a friendship, then great, but be prepared NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS. good not to fool the other person, but don't fool yourself either.

at any rate, stellar advice given by wolf.
jasmine
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replied July 26th, 2009
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i think that is good advice also. it may sting a little, especially if he is in love with you. after a while he will get used to the idea that you want to be friends.
understand he might not want to be your friend if he sees how much happier you are, and how heart broken he is.
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replied October 1st, 2009
END IT QUICKLY but make it as nice and as drama free as possibly otherwise breaking up with him will get harder and you'll be more unhappier and that's not fair on him or you!

Give it some time before you attempt any friendship with him as he's going to need time to adjust to this break up and he's probably not going to want to be friends when he's nursing a broken heart but in the future perhaps he might entertain the idea of a friendship with you.

Bottom line is you need to do whats right.
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replied October 9th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Yep i agree if you tell him then try and hang around him its just gonna take him longer to get used to the idea of you to apart, give him space and he should come round...jenny
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replied February 17th, 2010
Experienced User
Don`t break-up with someone over not wanting sex!?? - Why would you?
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replied February 17th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
celebritydiscodave wrote:
Don`t break-up with someone over not wanting sex!?? - Why would you?


Because fulfillment is the point of a relationship and not many relationships will survive sexual liaisons outside of the union.
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replied February 17th, 2010
Experienced User
Speaking for myself, some of my most fulfilling relationships are also the most unconditional. Friendships as these can transcend even caring, beyond the others well being and happiness. Surely you`d at least agree that there is fulfillment to be had from having friends, and that fulfillment need not necessarily have to orientate around one single relationship? Friendship remains friendship despite sex outside the union if you want that friendship enough - If it ever ment enough to you in the first place. This is just one of the many tests for genuine friendship. If it is genuine there`s no effort involved. I agree with you to a point, because the friendships to which we refer generally possess too much "self" to ever be regarded as in any way genuine - Romantic love and genuine friendship do clash very badly, whether inside or out.
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replied February 17th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
If you want a friendship, have one. Relationships have different responsibilities, one of them in every monogamous relationship is to care for the needs that you have taken exclusivity of. In a relationship you have a responsibilty to satisfy the sexual needs of your partner.
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replied February 21st, 2010
Experienced User
Friendship, Friendships Love and Romance Will Work Together!!!
Surely, only if it were to prolong the mating of animals!? Your responsibility to the one that you love is only to serve out your love, and if love means anything it should concern itself a little less with lust, "self" and ten second stimulations, and considerably more with the whole experience of being together. Friendship, Love and Relationship don`t/shouldn`t separate neatly out. For instance, there is far greater love to come of friendship than ever possible of romance/uncontrolled emotion and lust. Sometimes I feel emotion for many, in moments, and lust, but I suppress those feelings for they have no genuine value. Feeling more in itself never makes it more. This nearest thing to hate is never the most and the best it can be, it can be much more than this and that wont exclude a "relationship"
If the relationship had been a genuine one, one with a foundation in friendship and its love, the friendship componant would not only well survive Sunshine`s moving on with romance, but would equally be prepared for compromise.
The masses think that they want superficial and highly self first orientated relationships, it`s the most easy of arguments, for we are all selfish, but do you honestly think that this is a philosophy for living, that it`s impossible to do it better than the masses - I`m very sorry for those of you. The easy path will always sound the best jouney for it`s in our nature that it should. The easy path is statistically considerably more likely to fail than to work. How do you even begin to love yourselves, never mind develop the capacities to genuinely love another, if all that you finally serve is yourselves. If it finishes selves, then apart from yourselves, whom do you think you are kidding if you imagine it wasn`t always selves??? - Is this the perfect environment for love and romance? Effort brings its own rewards and there is a reward to be had directly from this effort. Capacity for love and for romance doesn`t just happen, though too many prefer to think so..


It may be your convenience to think me less than abundantly sexual,in which case, the truth might surprise you. The truth is, for those that can understand it, that is actually another debate.
One last point. Vessey probably wasn`t referring to sexual perfomance when she made the reference to falling out of love, though many men might think so, she was referring to no longer being in "emotion" - romantic emotion! - His sexual performance might possibly have been the best on the planet, or not, who knows.
If we continue to an accepted conclusion, I`m gain, we will be here forever. There is no other way!
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replied February 21st, 2010
Experienced User
"True" Unconditional Love - Is More Rewarding Than Jus
Unconditional Love - Nothing to do with not being monogamous?? It simply means, to keep it brief, love without "self" (obviously there remains self in certain senses, some hard to quite define) You have predisposition, such as it may be impossible for you to love someone 20yrs younger,older,the same age,sex etc, but this is a different area, and predisposition is only connected that far. Girls can feel this love for other girls, and possibly without fancying them - it`s less likely across gender.
Unconditional means that, it`s not a state of compromise, and the fulfillment, the joy, is immediate to this accomplishment, and hieghtened to even euphoria with the return of the same love. When realized unrequited the love fades to a more even state. Where there were mutual genuine unconditional love but the romance were with a third party - unlikely(?), it should cope comparatively well, for this nature of love, whether alone, or coupled with romance, is superior.
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replied February 21st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Unconditional love is a lot like Communism. It sounds pretty good on paper. In reality if you loved someone without exception and nothing they did could change how you feel you would be mentally ill and your life would be an endless course of hardships. Everyone has limits and that is how it is healthy for us to be. Dating is an at-will relationship. The idea is to build up faith so that your disappointments can be looked over in favor of the consistent love and fulfillment you've given your partner. However, if someone consistently disappoints you, whether it's sexually or financially or responsibility-wise, you have to evaluate whether or not the relationship continue to be healthy for you.
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replied September 17th, 2010
saveabreakup
My ex girlfriend broke up with me cus I cheated on her, I found this great website called saveabreakup.com , I followed all the instructions on it and it helped me get back with my ex, now we've been together for almost 2 years. Smile
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replied January 28th, 2011
I am 47 and also about to break up with my b/f of 4 months. He is wonderful to me and the sex is great, except that he is 50 y/o and has no ambition. He's very unmotivated and lazy. He rents a dumpy apartment, hasn't accumulated anything, and drives a crappy car. Nice and sweet is great, but now I'm realizing I don't want to 'barely get by' in my later years. I didn't think it mattered at first, but now I'm not respecting him because of his irresponsible behaviour. No plans for the future and flying by the seat of his pants has become very unattractive.
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replied March 12th, 2011
I have a question ...my sister has been trying to break up with her fiance for over a year, everytime she trys to he threathenes her to take the kids, he wont even look for a job(lost his job last year due to him walking out/stalking my sister at her job, hes very controlling), He will not let her go, she is no longer happy with him, she pays all the bills, and all the rent and has absolutly 0$ dollars for herself , this has been happening over a year/2 , she lives at the house (my grandmas old house(passed away now my dad owns) she pays all the rent/bills, food , he has no where to go, no house, no car, no job, but he has her so controlled and he wont leave and wont accept that she dont want to be with him, the only place he could go is his brothers which is far out in a bad neighborhood and she does not want her kids out there in danger, she is a good mom, has me for her babysitter ive been baby sitting them since all 3 were born, now 5,6,1, and me and my parents live two houses away, and my mom has also babysits and the kids are here alot to to visit, eat , we have even had sleepovers here for them and they love being here, he doesnt even play with the kids, he sits in his room all day when she is working, and doesnt even look for a job, she loves her kids and is afraid hes going to take them away like he says.he.is there anyway of keeping them so he doesnt go anywhere with them/kidnap them
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replied May 20th, 2011
Before doing any things. First you need to be sure that you love him or not. Because any wrong decision effect on your future.
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