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how reading hegel books caused sz - the kenotic event

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Kenosis

This was a deusion so potent that on the first night, about 26 years ago, which I remember vividly and viscerally, it was an outright hallucination. And over a little time with a little practice, I developed a belief, and so this must be the right place to explain this!

I have ghost bugs, it's been a problem on and off for 26 years, from right back there in that period in my early twenties, dropped out of college working for 16k in NYC computer rooms and living on my own through "roomate finders", in a bunch of interesting and weird situations in queens and brooklyn, and getting the push in toward madness from Hegel books, a series of 19th century german philosophy books by a very crazy guy, george w hegel, he wanted to be the offical philosopher of prussia, didn;t quite get the job, had teaching jobs where he'd teach a class for five years then write the book, we have his book and the notes of several students with all the additions - "Zuatz" - he'd ramble on in class, including comments like "he'd stop take a pinch of snuff and then expound the theory again with more color, like this..."

Ghost bugs are invisible bugs crawling on me to the point where I can't sleep, and I learned over the years to sleep on metal cabinets, to stop eating past noon, to take singulair the antileukotreine basically extreme antihistamine, to take theraflu before bed every night for ever, and then recently when even all that wasn;t working learned to drop all my food and live on raw radishes onions garlic and turkey and fish, no carbs sugar processed food, celiac disease and yeast infested. Don't worry I'm working on it the doctors say I'm just insane, and say science has nothing to offer, but I keep trying, yesterday I got my 60 bucks worth of ThreeLac, it's yogurt creatures to eat my yeast, see it might be nuts but atleast I keep trying.

I had theories A through J about what caused my ghost bugs: a for allergies b for brain tumor c for chemical exposure d for demonic posession e for extrememly sensitive skin f and g set aside for the future expandability of the theories H FOR HEGEL BOOKS I for I don't know and J for Jesus, who wore only a crown of thorns and mine is the full body version.

H for Hegel books, how reading can cause actual physical manifestation of symptoms, happened the minute I got it and will happen in a few minutes when I explain it, a mental experiment communicable in words that physically alters the chemicals of the brain drastically. This I used to think was dangerous to communicate. Then I tried a few times, to explain it to people who told me they were philosophy students, I figured that'd be the type to understand, but I got no recognition, these rather sane college students didn't really understand the vision, the trick, the mental effect, maybe you gotta be a little crazy to be able to let it happen, like Hegel walking around sniffing the snuff, whatever that was, I think it was kinda like coke, legal in prussia (germany) at the time.

Maybe it's genetic, I'm german. so maybe this resonates with me more than other people anyway.

got this not from deep deep inside the hegel literature described best I thought as "phantasmagoria", amazing schizotypal stuff, some of it available on the web and in the bookstores everywhere, well that stuff is great and reinforces the project of kenosis, remaps it onto infinitely different fields of knowledge, but I got this delusion/hallucination/belief out of the preface to the phenomenology of spirit, meant to be the gateway to hegel's thought, the preface itself considered a classic of german literature. I don't know german but the translation is the most amazing use of english I've ever seen, the long twisty sentence structure rarely approached by anyone except maybe, me.

Spent ten years with that crazy stuff as my main psychosis hobby, this was before this website or the internet itself was available. I worked in the city, spent an hour each way on the subway, had a seat, so I read the little photocopied books, I paid ten cents per four pages for those books and bought them little by little out of the nyc public library in manhattan at 42nd street, in the stacks deep below bryant park, where they do the fashion shows every year and free movies once a week. Ten years where for the main two hours of the day - my commute - I went floridly psychotic with hegel for a guide.

This was in the preface to the phenomenology. I was in a second floor apartment in queens with a small triangular patio I liked sitting out on, right above a noisy highway that was annoying to try to sleep near, it never stops! but that night there was a very clear and close full moon in clear view of that patio, above the din of the traffic.

And on my mind that psychotic night I had hegel's introduction of his basic schema, which can be called kenosis, a word I got deep inside hegel, it was the esoteric philosophy word from greek for how jesus became divine, how god got "inside" jesus, how god "emptied himself" like a fishtank "into" the physical person of jesus. Got this in the hegel book the philosophy of religion, which was well described as a re-mytholization of christianity, he twisted it into an unrecognizable and very greek version of religion, with yet a trinity and the name jesus and the bible itself carried along, "aufgehoben" or "cancelled and simultaneously lifted up" into this re-mythologized, re-revealed relgion, with hegel almost going for prophet here - the official philosopher of prussia seat was a mystical yearning of his.

Kenosis is what hegel brings to the table as he then proceeds to study and reclassify every sphere of knowledge available to him at his time. Some of his books are better than others. The philosophy of right is the book that most influenced me in life, made me join the cult of Sittlikheit, or Ethical Life. Taught me all kinds of principles I learned to use as my own, like no man shall be altogether sacrificed on the altar of right, because he is someone's brother father husband son. Taught me about roman law and how it evolved to my own day, made me appreciate politics and the world news in a new and different way, he romanticized napolean as a schizophrenic would mythologize his rock and roll hero or something, napolean was leading all of world history, the spirit, the Geist, from his horse's back, magus of time. Hegel could really be a crazy guy sometimes.

The mechanics of kenosis are what I want to try to explain. It's a simple mind experiment, a "gedanken", that I perfomed that night, and maybe philosophy students aren't the ones to be doing astral projection, maybe it's the schizophrenics who can do this. Astral projection in a little purple how to book from my mother's basement was something else I was reading and getting into at the time. This is what I bring to the table, combining hegel's clearly mapped kenotic "spilling out" of the fishtank of self into a separate tank, you know, while you're cleaning the tank you put the whole set of fish in a stand by tank, maybe not as pretty and eventually to be sacrificed, well, that's where I intend to be going with this. I also bring to the table the introduction of kenotic projection to the new much larger distances available to modern day astrophysics - i keep an eye on the field of cosmic cartography, the project to map all of heaven out as far as our most outlandish telescopes can see. And this is a new level of sorcery never before available to mankind, this is what I want to explain here.


So the mechanics of kenosis are three stages.

Stage one we are "essence", not really thinking too much just hungry tired horny etc, essence, on the inside, looking out, presumably looking out from inside this flesh, this place we think we are inside ever since early infancy, we can move our own fingers and toes so we must be in there, can't move the desk or mommy so must not be in there. Basic infantile logic. So we are infantile, just essence, as stage one of this, just here, within ourselves.

Stage two gets interesting, we start to look out, not just at the object of our hunger or lust but out at... ourselves. Now I don't remember how "far" hegel was positing the essence's vision of itself was from itself, but I decided somehow that the more distance, the more intense and interesting the effect might be. And I'd been practicing basic astral projection already - come outside your body, do basic exersizes for control practice, then go fly out in space to other planets and walk around. That itslef is a trip, so I think it oculd have been my original idea to introduce distance between stage one and two of kenosis, and I remeber writing that the greater the distance between stage one and two, the brighter the light that shines. This is how I learned to reach in and shine a bright light out of my mind that can beam to the ends of the universe and see and know everything, a light much brighter that the human organism was meant to hold, i think, and the light also surprised me in that it lit up the microscopic world all around me that the subconscious was supposed to withhold from us, the crawling hotel room, the demons all around us, it's not pretty.


So stage two, that night on the little triangular patio, was me looking at the moon, and on the moon I decided to place my vision of myself, for this experiment. First time I ever did it. I sat there, looking at the moon, picturing myself there, right there in a little triangular patio with a little green book and a drink on the table, up there in the middle of nowhere on the bright white moon. Maybe I loose people at this point, the college students I mean. Maybe I never explained to them about the astral projection aspect to this.

So if you can do that, see yourself over there on the moon, just cause that hellucination more or less, and focus on it for a little while, THAT is stage two.

And so here's stage three. Stage three, the "real" you right here on earth, above the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, the essence, well, the "essence spills out", so this is a leap of thought, so the you right here with you the essence on the inside, this you is now that you, you just kind of imagine for a moment that the vision you were looking at on the moon is now this stuff right here. So it's like your hallucination got suddenly alot more vivid, cause now it's perception not hallucination. A moment ago you were trying to see yourself on the clear white pallate of the moon, and you were tiny in the field of vision, no matter how well you did in the hallucinating.

But suddenly it's all quite clear and life size. This is a mind experiment, a bracketing, a temporary suspension of disbelief, so that I temporarily believe that I am that me that I was just looking at on the moon, here I am, on the moon, I can take a sip of my drink, I can look at my hands, my arms, look at that I went to the moon and now I am there, have perception. I begin to look more closely at every little detail of my environment, cause, hell, this is the MOON!

And the hallucination that happened that first night, that never quite happened again, was I could see light, a hallucination of light emitting from my body, it was at the joints, I was standing there on thetrianguar patio "on the moon" bending my arms back and forth at the different joints cause I couldn't believe the light coming out of my body.

But I continued to do the experiment, not just to the moon but out to the other planets, the sun, the center of the galaxy (and the well mapped neighborhood around the black hole, like the molecular cloud saggitarius B2, the "large molecule heimat", or homeland, there that's a german term but it didn't come from hegel books it came from some astrophysics article years ago. I proceeded to other galaxies, other larger galaxy clusters, then the fateful trips to "redshift space", so far away it's in the past. Kenotic projection outside of time. that is a gateway to madness. And to this day, the practice of this mind experiment causes a burst of ghost bugs.

That night wasn't really my first, I had stumbled on this phenomena once early in grammar school, and registered the shock but didn't know how else to use it at the time. I'd been in my catholic school classroom, front row desk, daydreaming as always, for an extended period. Don't remember much of those daydreams of course - oh the girl I had a crush on or the pen and pencil as rocket ships, is what I remember ruminating about - but that day I remember that I was shocked by the kenotic spilling, as I sat there in class but drifted far away, in my vision I was walking home, doing stuff there, then walking to school, walking up the stairs, walking into the classroom and sitting down in my front row short guy seat, and then I realized - BOOM - I really am here, in my vision, here in the front row seat, taht was weird. I swear I first noticed the kenotic effect that day.

onderdonk
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