It feels like everything that can go wrong does. I get moments of happiness but then I am rewarded with a nice heavy dose of misfortune. I get hope only for it to get dashed again. It almost seems like a pattern. It got so bad I once stopped going to school entirely and just laid in bed all day. Didn't clean up either. Whenever things go wrong I get a strong urge to give up entirely and just sleep my life away. It's like I want to destroy everything even if it ends up hurting me and run. I am afraid of struggle, pain, anxiety, drama, and stress. Whenever I feel like it's around the corner I want to run for my life. How can one be successful and live a normal healthy life if you fear struggle, rejection, competition, and failure? It's like I have this incredible fear inside of me and I don't see how I can overcome it. The feelings of worry, stress, and failure are so awful and I don't want to experience them. I know it's part of life and maybe I'm being selfish. I just want to be happy all the time.
I think it might be why I'm addicted to videogames. When I play games I am always happy and I never feel any stress or worry. Even if you fail you can avoid the consequences and just reset it. I am so afraid of failure and disappointing my parents. My mother should be disappointed in me but she never is. I feel like I am disappointed in me for her though. I know my dad was disappointed in me. He probably doesn't care now. I get depressed when I hear of people happily talking about their successful and happy life. I get even more depressed when people ask me about mine. In truth I'm a loser. I can barely talk for myself when in public and even though I'm an adult I hide behind my mother, sister, and anyone else that I can while trembling in fear, whispering, and stuttering. My younger sister is already far more successful than me and she has had boyfriends before and even has sort of a steady one now. Guys never choose me and I'm also a pathetic cowardly loser. My sisters and mother try to get me to take pictures but I don't know how to smile anymore. I move my face muscles in a way that I feel should be smiling and yet when the picture comes out there is no smile at all.
Is there a pill I can take that can change me as a person and make me successful and make my personality more interesting and less whiny depressive and mopey? I feel like this is part of my personality and I'll always be this whiny, scared, and pathetic. If you hate me and think I'm annoying I can sort of understand why. I wasn't always like this though. Everyone else who knows me notices as well. I was once confident, happy, and energetic. I would even sing and dance proudly. I was so free spirited and smiley. I'm the complete opposite now.
I dont know if this will help or not but the human mind literally can not be happy all the time. We cant do it. Everyone who talks about their happy life is glossing over the problems because they dont want to share. Happiness is the incentive not the state of mind.
The concept of being happy all the time is recent, instead people would take their moments of happiness and everything else was mundane. What makes it worse is that the perception that I should be happy makes people feel even worse because you feel like you are missing out on something. Trust me you are not, it is a unrealistic social construct.
We need to identify what causes this to happen to you. I know it will be hard but I want you to think hard about this so we can help you. We believe you can do it.
Let me ask this question. When did you start feeling this way and did anything major happen in your life around that time? There is usually some trigger. Also what kind of misfortune is befalling you?
O yea and stop apologizing save that for when you actually do something wrong. Like stealing cookies.