It's true that time heals. With the combination of time and getting yourself out there for distraction and the possiblity of finding someone better, it will get better. Believe me!

I suppose thats true Marvel, but im having difficulty in doing that because i feel i owe her something. Im not sure what though. I have been a right pain to her and her boyfriend as well. Ive spent the last 18 months ignoring and blanking anybody who has tried to help me as well. Im naturally shy, very open and honest, but this whole experience has changed me for the worst - ive become an attention seeking diva almost!

If only i had the time to recount whats happend (and the awful things ive said and done in the last 3 three years!) maybe people would understand why i have been such a nasty person. And there i go looking for justification again! I cant let go of her. And because im such a coward i cant talk to her or her boyfriend. Im really am pathetic. My levels of self-esteem and self-worth are zero, and im finding it difficult to motivate my self to do anything.

One of the worst aspects of this whole affair is that people think im a racist now because of whats happened!! She is black, im caucasian, and one of my friends is very angry and has made quite a few disparaging comments about black people in public.

Where is this all going to end up?