A little about her to make it an easier picture.
-Shes been diagnosed with Bipolar and depression. She never told me on what level, but she did tell me that in confidence. She also told me I was the first person she had told since starting college.
-I never asked if she was on meds while we were together for the bipolar, but I found out on a video chat where she stayed silent for 25 minutes and left without saying a word.
-I do know at some point she was taking them before but she did tell me she was detoxing from drugs in her body starting the day we met. She messed around with every drug and tried to overdose before we met. She was off birth control, everything except for the occasional drinking night.
-She had a pretty rough upbringing, her dad was a drug addict, mom an alcoholic, and her siblings were always preferred over her. She was never really shown love by her parents.
-The relationship before me ended when she found out her boyfriend cheated on her on her birthday. He gave her an sti, roofied her, keyed her car and later started dating her best friend from high school. She had every single reason in the world to hate him but like she told me recently she still had feelings for him through it all.
Heres the story.
We had been dating for less than 3 months but fell for eachother instantly, said i love you in a month and there was no doubt for either of us. We had even discussed marriage, what we each wanted and knew wed be perfectly happy doing so in the long run. I treated her well, always complimented her, and made her happy. We talked all day and video chatted nearly every night when we got home. She was always worried about going too fast, and getting way too serious, she always asked to slow down but neither of us knew how. A few weeks back she just broke up with me, out of nowhere essentially.She told me she needed to be alone, needed space, that she wasnt ready for a relationship again, she felt I tied her down in a way and that she didnt feel the same about me anymore. I knew she had been dealing with her depression and lack of emotion in general even telling me to stop showing her so much affection because even though she wanted to feel what I did, she physically couldnt. I did everything I could even visited her randomly to try and cheer her up and the last time I saw her we exchanged I love yous, hugged and kissed until my train picked me up to leave again. I thought everything was perfect as she had told me a few days before, and out of nowhere seemingly she did it. I was heartbroken, Felt empty and hopeless. I cried and cried.
In addition to all that her friends told me that she broke up with me because I was suffocating, that she needed slow and not intense from me and that we went too fast. Her friend messaged me that she, my ex, is getting her anxiety attacks back, and that its worse than ever, she feels uncomfortable and "unsafe" because Ive tried talking to her recently, when in fact I havent myself had contacted her besides an apology and a facebook add.
Fastforward another few weeks, its been almost 7 apart and we finally started talking again after I did the only thing I knew would get her attention. I went on twitter and just spilled my heart out and she did exactly what I had wanted her to do for the last month and a half, just talk to me.
We talked for a few hours, she really finally opened up. She told me that she didnt ask to lose feeling for me but it just happened out of nowhere. She told me that she feels extremely selfish for making the decision and that it has given her extreme anxiety and panic attacks. 2 things she went through while we were together. She also told me that she never meant to hurt me and that she hates herself for it. Shes been having a real tough time and this is some of what she told me. "its made me hate myself so much to the point where i feel like dying on the daily, my life has flipped completely upside down. worse ive ever been but its whatever. im on medicine that makes me a zombie and i am so depressed i wanna die literlly every day. i didnt ask for my life to end up on this path. im numb from every emotion of the human body. and i dont wanna be on bad terms just dont know what to do when u have feelings and i dont, i jsut know i need to be alone and forge my path"
She also told me that shes moved on not only from me but from guys in general and that she feels she isnt meant to be in a relationship. I just wanna be supportive and be the best friend I can for now, and even though I still love the girl to death, I cant push for more than anything but friendship for now. Im just am having the hardest time understanding this because I feel like shes trying to rid me completely from her life when I did absolutely nothing wrong. I feel like she just doesnt want to talk to me anymore and acts as if nothing happened between us. She tells me she has no emotions or feelings, but she liters facebook with I love yous on everyones walls.
I know something is real wrong with her and she recently told me she withdrew from school to go home and be close to her doctors and to get stable on her meds. That makes me incredibly happy that she is doing that for herself and I want nothing more than to see her genuinely happy and I want to make her happy too. I knnow us together was incredible and still can be but Im not sure anymore if Im climbing the unclimbable.
Recently she went crazy on me, literally tore me to pieces because of some song lyrics I posted. Apparently the lyrics were from one of her therapy songs and I didnt know. She essentially blamed me for everything shes going through for taking away her school semester, for putting her in the most unstable state of her life. She told me I was selfish and that everything I was doing was an attempt to get pity from people. She also told me that I didnt respect her. I can see where she is coming from but I only had the best of intentions in trying to help her get better. She essentially told me her door is shut and that I shouldnt try to open it. I dont want to get back together with her, or even really be friends with her right now because obviously neither of us can do that at the moment. I just want to apologize, put it in the past and move forward as acquaintances seeing as 2 of our best friends are still dating eachother.
Does anyone have any advice on what I should do next? or How I should handle this?
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