I always say this is a confusing situation. I havent known anyone that has been in my shoes, so I never know who to talk to or ask. It's just not the kind of thing they write self-help books on.
So here is the situation. I've been with my boyfriend for about two years. It started out really slow and then moved fast. We moved in together almost a year ago, we've been talking about marriage and kids. In some ways everything seems like a dream, but....
Just as we switched from slow to fast (literally, like within the same week) in the beginning of our relationship, my new boyfriend's ex killed herself. I was with him when he got the news and since what I had thought at the time was that they had broken up years ago, and that he had remained close to her family because they had helped him out a lot and he has also stayed somewhat of friends with her, his ex, I was supportive originally of whatever he was going through. However, over time lots of lies started to be uncovered. Like that he had actually only broken up with her 9 months before we started dating (not 3 years like he told me), that they had been together for over 5 years (not 2 like he told me), that he had moved across the country to be with her (he told me he moved her school), that he was still hanging out with her regularly,taking her out for drink, bowling, to the dog park with their dog, to concerts, for frozen yogurt... and he was paying. Theres much more too. He lied about how serious they were, he pretty much lied about every aspect of their relationship. And all of this has come out slowly throughout our relationship, making it all that much more confusing.
One thing that he has tried really hard to connivence me of is that he never loved her. Yet after she died, when we were together he posted a picture of her with a light on her facebook pages, captioning "Baby I can see your halo, I pray it wont fade away." He also changed his main picture to a photo of the two of them as a couple. These were some of the first things that upset me. He also started talking about her, all the time. And again, I tried to be supportive, I didnt really know what to think, since it wasnt a normal situation since she had just died. Then, he took a bunch of her stuff that her mom wanted him to have, photos of the two of them kissing, jewelry he had given her, and just lots of little keepsakes. This is when I started thinking "ok, I know she's dead, but she's still his ex!" I didnt like him having this stuff at all, and I told him. I dont keep photos of me and my ex's kissing, and I didnt think that he should either. I mean someday all of our ex's will be dead, does that mean that we will wish we had pictures of us kissing to hold on to when that day comes? I dont think so. I told him if he wanted to keep momentos and photos from their friendship that was fine, but we were moving in together and I didnt want photos of my boyfriend kissing another women in my house! This is when we started really fighting about it. He didnt want to give the stuff back. He said that it wasnt that he wanted it, but that he didnt want to upset her mom.... than I stated finding more and more of her stuff, including a bra strap (mixed in with his cloths and no, she had never lived there or dated him while he lived there) and pornographic pictures of her. These things had just been in his house, he says, by accident when he moved. I've also found love letters between that that are just so crazy passionate that it really makes it hard for me to believe it when he tells me that he never loved her.... he just spent 5 years with her.
From there it just gets worse and worse. Her mother became very passive agressive toward me, always talking about how great her daughter was and how I was normal and how much my boyfriend loved her daughter and on and on and on and on until it grew into that she didnt like who I was making my boyfriend into and that I was bad for him and pulling him away from their family. Finally, enough was enough. But still my boyfriend didnt back me. It took him months and months of us fighting and her being mean to me before I cracked and said its me or her and left for the weekend (Still it took him days to actually call her and confront her for what she had been doing and tell her that he couldnt have her in his life if that was how she was going to act.)
The bottom line is I just want to know the truth. I can't believe what he tells me which is that he just stayed in the relationship because he coundnt admit that he had been wrong about her. He tells me now that he hated her and that everything he did was just to try to get her to be more manageable, again for his pride. And he really did do a LOT for her. And he went back to her several times. AND when it was all done and over with and he left her, he decided to go out of his way to make friends with her again after months of not talking. Yet he insists that anything like talk of marriage or kids was all one sided (hers). I just cant seem to make sense of it.
I know that there must be a lot fo confusing emotions that he is going through... and really, Im trying to be ok with that, but I just feel like I can't feel secure. Since he lied to me about everything involving her when she was still alive, and he was still having out with her without telling me, and since he didnt tell her that he had a girlfriend, and since he was sooo deviated when she died, and since he had such a hard time giving up her things, and since he had so many of her things to begin with, and since he just seems to not be able to own up to any feelings that he ever had for her..... how do I know if he still loves her or not? People have said to me, well what does it matter, its not like hes going to go back to her, shes dead! But thats just not the point. I dont want to be the runner up. Thats something Im not willing to compromise on. I need to know that if she were still alive, that he would be here with me and not with her....
Things did start to move faster RIGHT before she died, but they really sped up after. It seems like after she was gone he all of a sudden wanted to live with me and marry me and the whole 9 yards.... But Im scared that he was still holding out to have that with her... Otherwise I really dont even understand why they were friends. If you hate someone, why would you want to be their friend?
If anyone has insight, please let me know, thanks.
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