I apologize in advance for this long post but I thought with a bit of background, you'd get the picture as clearly as possible. We have a long-distance relationship for few months. We always have sexy talks on text and/or chats. He'd tell me things like he's crazy about the female part like love to eat it and have thoughts about making love with me, etc. You get the idea. However, on one weekend, we did have sex but for some reasons I couldn't put a finger to what was different comparing to my experiences with men in the past. I mean it was real good but it's the little things that I expect him to do like men did to me in the past like going all over me, wanting sex more than once per day, etc. (like a couple would do at the beginning of the relationship which is normal and common) but he didn't. With him, it was more like once or twice if I initiated it. He initiated it only twice on the first time we had sex but the rest of the times, it was me doing it. I found it a bit odd but thought he was shy. I also thought he needed a bit of time to get used to this since he came out of a very bad relationship with ex-gf who was abusive and highly sexual active over two years ago. Then later, I visited him for two weeks, we did have sex almost every day but it was once a day, not more as I'd expected since we were alone. Again, it was mostly me wanting sex and it seemed like he was doing it for my sake, not because he wanted it. A couple of times I brought it up saying I'd like to make love later in the evening after we go out to do stuff and his reply would be "maybe...we'll see...", not "oh, yeah! I'd love that" or "yeah, I want that and look forward to it!" (the typical guy responses). Also, I was a bit disappointed that he didn't focus on my female part down there as much as I thought he would after he kept telling me that he love it and crazy about it, etc. Also, he wasn't overly affectionate and often when he kissed me, it was "dry" kisses (no frenchkiss) when we're not having sex. A couple of times during sex, we'd french kiss but mostly it's me wanting that. A couple of times or so, I tried to keep kissing him to encourage him to frenchkiss and at first he seemed relucated (sp? like not 100% willing) but did it. Also, he seemed a bit distracted as if something's always on his mind (he was sick or stressed out by his roommate, or something else during my two weeks visit). After I left for home, we talked about what happened, he apologized for being distracted 'cuz of his roommate's being horrible to him and that he was a bit paranoid, not wanting to make things worse with them, hence being distracted and not comfortable (like afraid they'd hear us making sounds during sex, etc). He watched a lot of sports during my time there, not much focusing on me and I ended up reading books or texting with friends. When we went out to do stuff, he was a bit more attentive but not overly as I had hoped and still ended up being confused and disappointed by his mixed body language and signals/signs. I don't know if he made lame excuses to avoid a lot of affections/sex or was he truly paranoid and had stuff on his mind, distracting from his giving me the attention?
Earlier when we first started dating, he revealed that his first sex experience was with a guy he got drunk with when he was 15 or 16 and he said it was the only time. Then later, he shared that sometimes later when he was a teenager, walking home, a guy driving, stopped and told him that he needed help finding the place. Since my bf was a very friendly and helpful person, he agreed to get in the car to help him find a place (after he already gave directions but the driver begged him to get in to show him 'cuz he's lousy with directions or whatever). However, the driver ended up driving to his own home and forced him to get in the house and wanted to have anal sex. My bf was scared and did what the guy wanted him to do for him. It was his second time (under forced/rape sex). He admitted that he was confused for a while during HS 'cuz he had a hard time finding girls who's willing to date him and never had a gf until he met his future ex-wife in college in his early 20s. Before he met his ex-wife, he thought he may be gay 'cuz of both times and wasn't sure but wanted women only. After meeting his ex-wife and had sex with her, he was relieved and happy that he's not gay. He told me that he never had sex with any men again after the forced/rape sex incident. I believed him as I thought he was telling me the truth. Also, he told me that a few times gay men come up to him and he found that irritating and said if a gay man come up to him again, I should kiss him to send a clear message that he's not gay. I thought it was funny and said okay and thought nothing more after that. However, recently I chatted with a friend, who happened to know him and his ex-wife from many years ago as she used to work at the same agency as both my bf and his ex-wife. (Btw, he was married and divorced twice and dated one woman in between ex-wives then had a longtime gf before he met me) It was a small world as she knew him 'cuz she went to their wedding. Anyway, she and his ex-wife used to be good friends before, during and after she married and got divorced with my bf. She told my friend that the reason why they got divorced was because she caught my bf in bed with another man. I was stunned 'cuz that was the first time I heard about and my bf didn't tell me that. Before this, I once asked him if he ever cheated on any of his exes and he said no. I was thinking about women he may have had sex with to cheat on any of his exes. Now, I didn't ask him if he ever had sex with any man behind his exes. I'm afraid to ask 'cuz he'd want to know why I want to know after he already told me that he's not gay and never want to have sex with men again. Another thing that bothered me was that one time during our chat, he mentioned that he and his ex-gf had a talk about trying the strap and his ex-gf loved it. They did it a few times, not often (they dated for over 6 years btw). I found it a bit odd 'cuz for all men I've dated in the past, they don't go for that kind of thing except maybe some finger screwing in the arse (if they know about the p-spot similar to g-spot and experience that), but not the strap with fake penis on to screw in. The guys I've dated would freak out and think it's gross and so gay, etc. You get the idea of their reactions. So I was a bit surprised that my bf experienced it and liked it (or loved it?) a lot. He once asked me if I'd consider trying that and I told him that I feel weird about it and do not know if I want to try it and he said he'd understand if I don't and respect that then we never talked about it again.
Now what does that mean? Is he like a closeted gay or bisexual or have some gay tendencies but not necessary acting out on them like not to go for some kind of sexual relationship with men? Or are they related to his past experience that stays within him even though he doesn't want to date or have sex with men? I'm confused and don't know how to approach this topic with him since I do not want to waste my time in this relationship with him by finding out later if he's not straight at all when I could have had the opportunity to date other men, who are straight and don't/didn't have "gay" sex experiences or even tendencies (including bisexuality).
Btw, he's a hardcore jock who loves to work out at the gym and play sports and watch sports like any normal healthy men and loves sex. He said he's very romantic but so far, he hasn't done much of the romantic stuff like romantic dinners or little gifts, etc. like a pretty typical guy. On the other hand, he's well dressed and loves to iron his clothes but doesn't fuss over his looks or wear pink or flamybont (sp?) style or act or talk gay. He's a bit meticulous with stuff like neatly folded clothes in the drawers, taking extra care with laundry and bathroom cleaning, etc that most men don't (maybe some men do like my ex-hubby) and love to clean the house except washing dirty dishes. He loves candles and buy them, too (is it normal for men to love and collect candles??) and a few things I was surprised to find that he loves or interested in that's common with women, but not in most men. One time I teased him that he's my gf and I'm his bf ('cuz I'm a bit tom boy with some feminine stuff, not really girly-girl) 'cuz of some stuff/things he's interested or do that most women do/are part of. He even loves romantic-comedy movies and knows several movies I mentioned that's my favorite, etc. How many straight men know more than a few rom-com movies and is it normal?
Another thing is during my 2-week visit, he rejected my advances in the middle of nights when I wanted to make love (his excuses were either he was sick, too tired or misunderstood). Before that, he'd wake me up in the middle of nights twice wanting sex. Now I wonder if it was me or he dreamt of a guy and woke up horny, wanting sex? Despite of all, we have a great connection like best friend/soulmates as we've a lot in common like 95% same/similar/alike and 5% differences. I've not find a man to have the same/similar connection as I have with my bf during my 25+ years of dating and I do not know if I'd ever will find one if I'm not with my current bf. I'd be very disappointed and desavasted if he's not the true straight man I thought he was at the end.
Please advise on how do I find out for sure like any signs of gay/bisexual?
Thanks, Confused Girl
Last edited by confusedgirl10 on December 1st, 2010 11:13 PM; edited 1 time in total
P.S. I forgot to add that three times during my two weeks visit, he rejected me when I wanted to make love in the middle of the nights (his excuses were that he's too tired, sick or misunderstood me). Only twice he woke me up wanting to make love. Now, I'm not sure if it's me or he had a dream of a guy and got horny, wanting sex. Despite the confusion with his body language/signs/signals, we have a great connection like best friends/soulmates. I've not found it with other men in my 25 years of dating until I met my bf. So I'm not sure if I'd ever find someone else with the same or similar best friend/soulmate connection. We're pretty much alike in many areas of interests and views...like 95% with 5% differences. It'd be hard for me if he's not the true straight man I thought he is at the end. :*(
I will give a piece of advice- get another bf. I married a man with gy tendencies, it was a very careful kept secret but after many years it got out and he went after a 20 year old boy. He was 58. I cannot possibly tell you the heartbrake, for my children as well, even though I kept the gay part a secret. They think it was a woman. I had three miserable years after separation waiting for him to come home, to come off his folly, but he never did,so I got divorced. Now I have a real man who is very sexual, the difference is astonishing, my life has changed completely because sex was missing from my marriage for years and now it is three times a week and I cannot possibly tell you how much sex get two people together. I would tell you to get out while you can. Gay people do not change.
Reggiane - Thank you for replying with your experience. I have a question or two - when you were dating, did he had sex with you often at the beginning before it waned? If so, how often per week and for how long before he suddenly stopped and made excuses for not wanting sex, etc. Was he overly affectionate with kisses and talks (ie, romantic talk on phone, etc)? Any additional information that would help to confirm my suspicions once more before I make the final decision. Thanks again.
we never had sex before marriage due to my religious upbringing. He was affectionate in words, always writting long love letters(we were long distance for some months) and when together he would hold my hand, etc, but in a way that I can describe as sweet, it had nothing of the fierce sexuality of other men. Sex was ok in the begining, but soon faded, after my son was born. He was after men by that time and even once brought a 17 year old boy to have dinner with us, i found that very disturbing, as he was a 34 year old man with two children. Later on, 20 years later on he told me that he 'adored' that boy. He was also into flower arrangements, candles, table arranagement, etc.
No, I would not have had a gay or bi man for a husband if I had known. It is like living with a close friend, but nothing more. We would have great talks, we got on in our souls, but physically we had next to nothing and you need sex to feel connecte with that person.
I'm in a sexual relationship now, it is so different. All my life I knew nothing of the desire, the anguish, the longing and the happiness of a sexual relationship with a real man. Do not miss that.
We never had sex before marriage due to my religious upbringing. He was very affectionate in words, always writting long love letters, we had a soul connection. Also, he would hold my hand normally but with the time this was less and less. He was a good husband, good provider and always with me, a good company, but sex soon finished after my last soon was born. He was also after men that time and I got to know that 20 years later. He also once developed a friendship with a 17 year old boy when he was 34, took this boy home, I even cooked dinner for him, 20 years later he told me he 'adored' that boy. He was already a father of two.
I went without intimacy for many , many years, I thought I would never have anything like that again, but no, fortunatelly I met a real man now. Sex is great, so much more than I ever had. I was missing in this very important part of life. My bf has many issues and I even think he might be bipolar, however I love him and the sex part is out of this world. I'm still friends with my ex husband, after all he is the father of my children and I do wish him well, I have nothing more for him. Ah, he liked candles and flower arrangements and arranging tables for dinner and so forth.