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How can I stop feeling like I want to die

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I am 18 years old. I have been through hell and back. I suffer abuse as a child that I never confied in to anyone but my current boyfriend. No one knows that he is 48 because I don't know anyone who would agree with that. He is the only person I can be myself around and not be in a constent pain. I have contemplated sucide everyday for a very long time. I have been adimited in a hostpial a pysch hostpial. I have to consulars, pyschtrist, doctors, friends and family. I take medicine for depression but I feel the same it been switched several time. I take medicine for anxiety. I live my boyfriend in another state far away from my parents. My parents don't know him and I don't want them to I am afraid they will take away the one thing that makes me happy and they have tried to in the past. Nothing is working I am back home visiting I have been here for a month and I am miserable. I feel trapped and I want away out. I don't seen any other opitons and I am scared to die. I don't know what to do.
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replied May 25th, 2009
How? You just decide that you want to live
Look, I was molested when I was 4 years old by a neighbor, but I never told anyone. I suffered in silence for years and when I was a girl, I went through so much angst and pain and I always thought of killing myself.

When I was around your age my life went haywire. Like you, I was often with older men that took advantage of my vulnerable state. I took drugs, drank heavily, partied like crazy until one day I looked in the mirror and literally saw a skeleton. I didn't like what I saw and I felt a deep desire to transform myself. I wanted to change like a chameleon, I wanted to be someone else completely, I wanted to know ME and be ME instead of hiding behind the drugs and party-girl image I had built.

I started with the men in my life since it was a man that had caused so much of my pain to begin with. I noticed that most of the men I dated were older and I tried to understand them. Why were they with me? The answer is simple: I was young, beautiful and fragile. Don't be fooled, darlin', older men know exactly what to say to you to make you feel good. they know how to charm you, love you, talk to you. They know what hurts and can fix it for you fast. They will tell you they love you and they might love you, but most of the time, they just want to suck the youth out of you. They need your young energy to feel young themselves.

But, look I discovered that it's all fine and dandy, sweetie, as long as you KNOW who yo're dealing with. You can enjoy their company, let them buy you nice things and take you around, that's fine.... JUST DON'T GET PREGNANT. Don't give an older man your life. You're only 18 and he's already lived his life, darling. If he's 48 now, in 10 years, he'll be too gross to even kiss. Look, most older men will like nothing more than having ONE MORE SHOT at youth by sucking the youth out of YOU. I'm sure he cares for you and all that shpiel, but PLEASE, FFS, don't let him control your mind. Sometimes, older men will say anything and do anything to keep you next to them.

You are in a fragile state right now and the only person that is going to pull you out of this is YOU! You have to want to live! You must find what to live for. Ask yourself "What do I want to do next?" Start by getting out of your parents home. There is NOBODY holding you back, girl, you are 18. Don't blame anyone for your 'WOES'. Only YOU can change your life.

Life is so beautiful, kid, it really is. And with regards to what happened to you when you were a child, let it go. Don't carry it around with you like a damn suitcase! Just drop it. Re-invent yourself, kid, pull yourself together and start discovering all the beautiful things there are in life.

Men are fine and dandy, but no man is ever going to grant you the happiness and fulfillment you deserve... you are going to have to give this to yourself.

Now, be brave and start searching inside yourself. Go for it, kid, you can do it. You can have a beautiful life. You're still so young and you can still be anything you want!

I'm rooting for ya!

Di
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replied May 27th, 2009
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my dad physically and mentally abused my mom, me and my 3 siblings. that lead to years of depression, it followed us throughout our whole lives, and it even effect how we parent, and the relationships we keep.

your of age, if you dont want to tell your parents about your b/f, you dont have to.
i've taken prozac and at first i felt like a zombie, then it wore off, so i stop taking it altogether.
i've been through a lot in my life also. i try to keep positive thoughts, and this is a struggle for me. i have a child to think about and no ones else to take care of him but me.
you have to be strong, it took me a long time to let go of my past, but i did.
i would like you to be specific about you saying you feel trapped.
things will get better!
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replied July 9th, 2009
S-L-O-W D-O-W-N!!! You are taking on too much, too soon. Step One: Immediately call a suicide hotline and talk to the person on the other end of the phone. Ask for help. Step Two: Follow through with their instructions. They should be directing you to a mental help professional. These drugs have many side-effects that often outweigh their usefulness. You posted over a month ago. I hope this note reaches you. Don't give up. You are only 18. Someday you will be very proud of yourself for getting through all of this and you will be able to help others with your wisdom.
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