in January I started seeing a great guy. a real 180 from my last bf who was verbally and at times physically abusive. I'm 24 and he took me out on my first date, I'm no looker so I've never really been wooed before or even just hit on and of course I fell in love. depression has been part of my life for as long as I can remember and I've never seen anyone about it or taken anything for it but during our relationship I was truly happy, I had never been so happy in all my life. I loved him, he loved me, everything was going great.
there were just a few problems with his ex. read more here
if you read my last post in there you can see I felt relieved with the turnout.
now, thats not the case. things went okay after that. until one day he had a message on his phone from her, well, a few actually. one asking for help trying to get away from drugs, the next saying "so can i move in hun?" i was upset but let it go since i loved him and trusted him after what he had said about her and her actions at her own grandmothers wake. well, my ex texted me out of the blue a few days later and it turned to threats and name calling and when I told him about it he got mad. I changed my number so my ex is completely out of the picture now but it was too late. I told him it upset me that he talked to his ex and that he was mad i had talked to mine and he said i was playing games and that him and his ex talking doesn't result in changed numbers and told me to leave him alone for a while. okay, everyone needs space sometimes.
somwhere after that we broke up, not sure where, thought we were working things out and one day i texted something and he replied "u know i'm single right?" okay fine, we hit a rough patch, we were still getting along good, figure we could work it out. i tried and got tons of mixed signals, one night I thought we were heading back to where we were and then BAM! the next day he sends me a message saying hes packing up my stuff because it makes him sad to see it. emotional roller coaster or what?
so I naturally wanted to know what went wrong, and all he will say is "its me not you" I finally gave up asking since he started getting more and more upset, at one point saying "WE R NOT TOGETHER WHAT THE F*** ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW" I am so head over heels in love with him its dangerous. literally, if he told me to go see him so he could kill me i would. anyways, we agreed to be friends, works out pretty well sometimes, but not others. anyways, I have only seen him twice since the breakup and both times one thing led to another and we had sex. still though, just friends, okay, fine with me. I love him so much I'll settle for what I can get.
anyways, monday was the last time i saw him, we got along great, had great sex and I was happy that I had just got to see and spend time with him. anyways, wednesday out of the blue i get a text from him saying his ex came down to visit a few weeks ago, hes sorry. I ask what happened and he said don't ask questions you don't want to answers to, I tell him I want to know and he says they had sex. I am upset by this but since it happened after we broke up I cant really be mad at him for it, just mad that he didn't tell me before the last two times I saw and had sex with him. anyways its gotten worse over the past few days, worse and worse and worse. the day he told me I tried talking to him about it, he said he didnt want to be in a relationship with her again and he said he didnt like seeing her because it messed with his head. then, he accidently sent me a message meant for her "R U copying these poses out of playboy?" OMG, I texted back saying "wrong person?" and he said sorry. i told him if he really doesn't want anything to do with her he shouldnt accept pics from her and if she keeps sending them he shouldn't reply, especially like that. later that night I called him and i tried telling him as a friend what i thought about him seeing her and told him that by seeing her and having sex with her he gave her a green light to pursue him again, that his responses to her pics aren't going to help him avoid her. he ended up hanging up on me.
i just can't get over this, the fact that hes either lying by saying hes not into her when it seems he is or the fact that she is using her power over him(the same he has over me) to get back into his life and he doesn't seem to be fighting it. I sent him texts saying I honestly just want whats best for him and i don't think she is it. now, the past few days hes saying I'm jealous and hung up on this and maybe I am but its like, I was right, he saw her for the wake/funeral and she took it as an invitation to drop in and visit and look what happened?
I realize theres really nothing I can do. I still love him as much as ever and I still want him in my life, but its like everyday i say something wrong, even if we're not talking about her. and I'm still completely clueless as to why our relationship ended. all I know is that I've never been so depressed in all my life and i don't know what to do to fix this. I don't have any friends, I have a couple friendly co workers but I wouldn't feel right going into depth about it with them. I feel a little better having been able to get all this off my chest but i doubt it will last long. this morning I wanted to check myself into the nearest mental hospital I was feeling so horrible. I just felt like it was finally my time to be happy, that I had finally found the one and now hes just driving me out of my mind and it seems like sometimes hes purposely trying to hurt me. i think what hurts me the most is knowing i gave it my all and failed, and knowing that I still love him every bit as much as i did before we even broke up. I cant imagine life without him and these past few days its like I'm inadvertently driving him further and further away.
i don't see how i can get through this without counseling or medication, things i never wanted before but more and more each day i feel like that might just be the way to go. but still, i can't let go. i cant imagine a life without me loving him, i know its pathetic but thats how i feel.
This is not pathetic at all, we have all been where you are. I'm not a doctor, I'm a person who has been in ur shoes before. Just from what I read, it sound to me that this man doesn't know what he really wants. He seems confused. Give him space, if he is really in to u he will come around. Yes, it will be very hard to do this, but u have to at least try. maybe once he figures out what he really wants, then it will answer some of your questions that you have for him. I don't believe you did anything wrong to cause the break up between you too, maybe he is insecure and as for you. It sound like you had two very hard relationships before, and now you find this great guy that has swept you off your feet and your afraid of losing him to someone else. you have really two options, you can wait until he decides what he wants in life or try your hardest to move on with your life. This is just my 2 cents, hope it helps.
thank you so much. I'm trying to both give him space and move on, since the day I met him I couldn't imagine a future without him and though he has really hurt me I still want him. its just up to him what he wants to do, where he wants to go from here. idk. trying to take one day at a time and I really am doing a lot better than i was the day I wrote that, well, except for a slip up today on the phone with my mom, but I thought it through over and over, about him and his ex, and I know when it happened, it was supposedly when his "phone won't charge" only a sort of lie but still a lie. over labor day weekend. totally explains why it broke friday night and why he was out of touch until monday night. I'm just angry that he lied when he had no reason to, we were broken up then, he could have said "hey I'm gonna spend the weekend with my ex" sure, it would have hurt but it would have been better than finding out after I had had sex with him again. anyways I finally figured out that the only thing I could have possibly done wrong was get too serious too fast, that my intense feelings were too much too soon even if he did say "i love you" first.