How can i be healthy while recovering from an eating disorder

So when i was in 9th grade, i developed an eating disorder. I was bulimic. I had lost 45 pounds on my own the healthy way(light exercising and eating healthy, portioned meals). Then around December, i got home from school and was sooo very hungry. I made a bunch of food and threw it up. I then started my journey with it. With being bulimic , i lost an extra 15 pounds. I stopped for awhile once my family found out but then i started gaining weight. Once i hit a certain point, i just didnt stop gaining weight, so i figured there was no point in throwing up if it did me no good(helping me stay skinny) I am now trying to lose weight and get my life back together but im scared. I threw up every once in awhile but not everyday like i use to. I am scared that i will eat under 900 calories, like i did before once. Or that i will get too obsessed and exercise and not eat. I am just scared to lose weight because once i start caring about what i look like....i might get out of control. I am scared that i will get a perfect portioned meal and think that as soon as i eat it, i will gain 50 pounds. I gained all of the weight i lost back..im scared. The worst part is that i want to lose it as fast as possible. I know that i cant keep throwing up, but its an...sometimes i cant help it. I want to be healthy and eat healthy and exercise. But what happens if i lose control?