I need help because I really feel like
A yr ago, I had my Mum living with me due to her bad health. We were at home when I discovered the fire in her bedroom (unattended candle) and we got out alive. However, the fire was quite severe. It gutted most of the house. I did manage to salvage a lot of belongings but I lost my cat. I stood and watched the window blow out and flames lick up the wall. My Mum has always had a poor memory and since then has been put into a care home as she has been diagnosed with Alzhiemers. I spent three months in a homless hostel. My landlord was pretty unhelpful regarding access to what could be salvaged so in the end I broke in on several occasions. The entire house was covered in thick thick black soot. Nothing went untouched..even small change needed cleaning. I went off the rails for a while...drinking straight vodka and sleep meds to help me sleep at night. A year on and I lost my job as I couldn't cope, my boyfriend had his own mental health issues and found it very difficult so we parted on good terms. I lost a few people I had thought were friends due to their complete lack of support & understanding. I lost my home, my cat and in many ways my Mum. She doesn't remember the fire and for that I am thankful.
So, the council rehoused me and I have been in here a yr. Since then I have had to dial 999 twice due to my neighbours house going on fire. He's a junkie and the first time someone started it deliberately. I woke up to my smoke alarm going off and that hellish sinking feeling of my heart turning to stone with sheer terror. It triggered a lot of memories. I was a bag of nerves, jumping at the slightest sound, not sleeping. Drinking too much. Isolating myself from people close to me. I would get flashbacks that were so real I could swear I smell smoke and the fear of fire has been intense since I lost my own home. Even seeing fire in an animated movie gets to me. I dealt with both fires (and everything else that happened) by bottling it all up. I couldn't let myself cry and when I felt the urge I fought it till it was gone.
Two days ago, the junkie next door knocked my winodw 'better get out the house pal' he said. My window was open and when I got the smell of smoke I can't even begin to explain how that felt. For the third time in a year I had to call 999. He was drunk and laughing as we stood outside and watched his window blow out. He said someone had put something through his letterbox. I was shaking like a leaf trying to call my ex mother in law (we are very close) The fire hadnt spread to mine so I fled back inside to get my kitten.
There was no damage to my house and I have been home since the day after the fire. The fireservice however told me that the fire had started on the couch. Not near the door. So why he would say that I don't know. This was the second fire he'd had since I moved in but the 4th or 5th in all the time he's lived there. I can't cope with it all and the worst part is that I feel so isolated & alone. Nobody understands how I feel, I dont think you can unless you have been in similar situations. I often feel like a fraud because I can't cry & can hide everything so well. I look fine on the outside but in my head I am a wreck.
I don't even know how to finish this. What kind of therapy/support is available to me? What will it consist of?