I'm sure this type of "What's wrong with me?" post comes up quite often, so naturally I expect minimal response. Yes, mental health is best discussed with a professional. However, I need help, and any type of input is not only welcomed, but greatly appreciated.
For reference, I am a 21 year old male with a history of behavioral abnormalities, including, but certainly not limited to: enuresis (till age 16ish), abuse of small animals (ages 8-11ish), pathological lying, petty vandalism, insincerity, apathy toward school & work, extreme social anxiety, emotional sensitivity, reckless impulsiveness, self mutilation & harm, drug abuse, and supposed (according to therapists) Bipolar disorder. Also, I literally ran away and lived on the streets for 2 months (at age 19); and I have attempted suicide.
Here are the symptoms I currently experience w/ considerable frequency:
(Symptoms not limited to the following)
- Inability to interpret conversation; difficulty following someone else's thoughts/discussions (especially in larger groups, 4+).
- Considerable lack of focus; no attention span, motivation, desire, or libido.
- Constant fear; constant irritability; constant paranoia; constant unexplained sadness & anxiety.
- Constant questioning of insignificant things.
- Frequent daydreaming, mostly involving hypothetical misfortunes, bizarre social scenarios, a recount of embarrassing events, imagined negative perceptions others hold of me, frightening possibilities such as death or cancer or a stroke, deep inquiries into the hygienic habits and sex lives of others, etc...
- Inability to handle too much light or noise, especially when in the presence of other(s); feelings of anger, fear, or extreme inferiority when around others.
- Short-term memory impairment; very random and irrelevant thoughts; difficulty with verbalizing my ideas and/or trusting that others fully understand what I mean.
- Similarly, lack of trust in everyone (even afraid of my Mother & Father).
- Unpredictable, superficial, unsatisfying personal relationships; absence of true friendship or familial bonding; active socialization with one group/person usually lasts no more than 6 months, then I become overwhelmed.
- Unnecessary hatred; contextually inappropriate emotions.
- Often catch myself repeating things over and over, pacing nonstop, rubbing my fingers together quickly, fidgeting in general, etc...
- Debilitating reclusiveness & social paranoia
- In need of constant direction when performing most physical tasks.
- General hesitation: I never know what to say, where or how to stand, who to look at, etc, in all social situations. As such, I become considerably more focused on my appearance & mannerisms than the actual content of conversations/situations; and I often miss the point.
- Voluntary yet unwanted reticence; limited emotional expression; fear of speaking my mind; fear of divulging personal information, hobbies, likes, etc...
- I sometimes inquire about my personality (& what's wrong with me) endlessly, and I often evoke great agitation because of this. Despite all positive reassurances from others, I do not trust anyone and my darkest beliefs remain firm.
- Characteristically obsessive; I experience and consider, then re-experience and reconsider, then re-re-experience and re-reconsider. This symptom often manifests when I'm writing (which I do often), watching videos, and remembering social situations.
- Fatigue; extreme amounts of sleep, only to feel tired and foggy.
I know this list is very long, and sadly, it is not comprehensive. I am quite issued and I always have been. However, I am too afraid to seek help and I rarely follow through with treatment (or am I too apathetic?). I just don't like it when people try to help me; I feel undeserving and my gratitude is always feigned or limited.
Of course, I definitely do need help. These issues, and others, are extremely debilitating. I cannot function and I'm very unproductive because of them. My life is incredibly painful and unsatisfying. I do not know much pleasure, and likewise, I rarely smile and practically never laugh. More than anything, I am deathly afraid of socializing and I am absolutely terrified of people. This is ruining my life.