I have been with my partner for 12 years, since I was in my thirties.Initially things were good. He was attentive,caring,supportive and protective and fun to be with.He has always had a good sense of humour and people think he is the life and soul, so funny. However he always teased me,and I wasn't comfortable with it and told him so on many an occasion. As time wore on the verbal teasing became worse, and he applied other forms, minor shoves, nipping my skin,grabbing me,belittling me etc all in the guise of fun.
We bought a house after 6 years together. From then he became worse.He would tell me I was rubbish, useless, and everything I touched went wrong.
He became more verbally abusive, especially when his health deteriorated due to several medical conditions. He would commonly call me offensive names, and the shoves and nips became more often. Interspersed with the odd time when he spat at me for no reason at all, or dug his fingernails into my skin for example. Again, all in the guise of a laugh.
Over the last 3 years or so, his health has continued to be a problem for him.He now blames his actions on his health, and will openly admit he is cruel to me. So much so that if he is angry, now, I dread it. His anger scares me. He will either be confrontational, swearing, glaring, getting in my face, blocking me or ignoring me, blanking me and sulking.
His so called fun now involves such things as cornering me, or pretending to push me down the stairs.He has put a hot iron up close to my face. He went through a stage earlier this year, of coming up to me with an outstretched bread knife in his hand. He also pretends to kick me, he raises his hand or clenches his fist as if he will hit me, though he doesn't actually do it. Sometimes he does this simply because he is walking past me. The list of 'near strikes' goes on and on.
The swear words he uses, the names he calls me, daily, or saying he will kick the **** out of me, or other such delights,is how he often communicates with me, especially if I do something he doesn't like.
He laughs it off, saying I am making it up or even denying he has said or done these things. It is my fault he says, he is ill therefore I should allow him to do or say what he wants. He even told me a week or two ago that he can do what he wants, he could even rape me if he wants. He thinks he can say or do anything, as long as it is the name of fun, or he can blame it on his illnesses which makes it acceptable!
Of course this is interspersed with the odd nice moment, just to confuse me even more!
It was only earlier this year that I sought advice from a domestic abuse organisation and counselling. I am still coming to terms with the things he does or threatens to do, as they continue and will do so as long as I stay.
I know I should leave, I want to leave. But I stop myself. Why? I have no idea.I make excuses as to why I can't go. He can be funny, he can be nice sometimes, he makes me smile sometimes. He's ill. We have a mortgage. The list goes on. Though I'm not frightened of what he will do to me if I do leave, as I don't actually think he would hurt me physically. So why then do I stay?
Knowing what is happening, in fact is making it harder for me.I now know that things will only get worse if I stay. But knowing that, and actually taking the next step are still a mile apart. But I will get there, I know I will. Somehow...
Saving 
