Help with anorexia

Hi my name is Sophie and i am 38yrs old. I have suffered with anorexia since i was around 14yrs old. I dont really know where to start to explain why i punish myself the way i do as there are many different factors. I thought i had my anorexia under some sort of control and i slowly was starting to recover around 2 yrs ago. It has beeen a slow process and i have my good days and bad days(i also suffer from depression, low self esteem and self harm) Recently i have tumbled into the downward spiral yet again. Just when everything finally in my life has started to go great, everything comes crashing down. My partner who is my strength and has helped to build me up became very ill and ended up on life support in intensive care since then anorexia has taken its grip yet again. I just am unable to eat , the thought of food makes me feel sick. I suppose it is my way of coping and having some control by punishing myself yet again for events out of my control. I am five foot tall and my weight is 5 st 10lbs. I also recently gave up smoking which my weight piled on i became 7st this was unbearable to me, and i hated my body becoming fat. i started smoking again to help lose the weight. I am unable to talk to anyone about how i feel as no-one understands. I just need some one to tallk to who understands. x