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help me to help my ex.

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Can someone help me?
I was in a relationship with a guy for just under 2 years. We had a very honest relationship from the start and he told me everything about his past as did I. The only thing that struck out for me was that he had suffered from depression in his early 20s which lasted for a few years. We’re both the same age; in our late 20s. When he lost his first love (who he told me was unstable and left him without warning), he overdosed and tried to commit suicide. He also told me that he is a recreational drug user. I met him as a friend but he soon went abroad and we continued long distance. He then asked me out once and I declined due to feeling he was very different from me and we’d clash. I have never taken drugs or been wild in any way. This was actually my first relationship. The only trouble I’ve gone through is to have been slightly depressed or stressed during my uni years due to study pressure. Having said that, I have had a turbulent childhood being moved from countries and my parents shaky marriage. He knew all of this about me. Anyway he kept pursuing me for a while and we got on really well, so I agreed to give it a shot. He was the perfect gentleman. I could tell he was down in life and generally a little negative about things but he said he liked my zest for life and how despite anything, I always found it in me to be positive. He was very sweet and everything a girl would want. He proposed to me very soon after our time together. I never asked him for anything except that he gave up drugs. Somehow the combination of drug use and past suicide attempts didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t force him but said I couldn’t consider him because of his drug use and he agreed to give it up if it meant having me in his life. He was kind, caring and perfect. But after a few months I noticed his behaviour change extremely. Without provocation, he started patronising me and calling me on end to fight with me. I was studying for my post grad degree then and my father had been diagnosed with cancer but he was never supportive of my situation. It took its toll on me but I made sure I was there for when he wanted to vent. Reason being that I felt he had gone through bad patches in life and he was alone overseas as well. I put it down to long distance relationship pressure I never didn’t take his calls or told him to stay away from his ex’s or anything of the sort. He was so overly sensitive and I knew that so was more than happy to tread carefully, as I believe everyone has some faults in them. But I noticed, he started provoking me for fights. He resented me for not allowing him to introduce drugs back into his life, and he started becoming verbally abusive. I put it down to bad behaviour and cut off from him at many times. Yet each time, he’d beg me to take him back and would stop eating and become depressed if I didn’t. Since I couldn’t see him I felt bad and always did take him back. He told me never to shut him out as he’d been through that before, etc and I abided. In turn I told him things I can’t stand and he did those exact things. This scared me. Although this seemed like normal fights, soon the friends of his he introduced me to also agreed without me saying anything bad about him and said that I needed to walk away from him. I put it down to bad behaviour. But last week I got back in touch with him and he said something that made me realize that maybe it’s not him but that he’s bipolar. Last week when I mailed him to ask how he is he replied nicely. This week I mailed him about something (we split up last yr btw), he mailed back saying stay away or there’ll be consequences. And because I’m not with him and an outsider now, I could see the contrast without provocation and the penny dropped. I realized he could never see what he did wrong. He’s totally different as a friend as I’ve seen him with his friends and was his friend before. And totally different as a partner. Initially he used to say I’m god’s gift to him, and everything he wanted. A few mths later we had a big fight as he messed up somewhere and I found it hard to take him back. Yet I did but he always blamed me for hurting the amount I did and that I took 3 days to forgive him. I apologised (even though he was the one at fault) and we started working at things. A month later he dumped me saying he can’t forgive me for hurting. However he came back and said he’d like to make a go of it upon me begging him to do so and telling him I stayed for him only. He stayed but as usual with the harsh words. He said things like I’m a disgusting piece of s**t, that I’m a bad daughter, that his ex’s are better than me. This all I had seen as a stark change only a few mths after we got together but I thought he’d change after that big fall-out. I kept saying that he can’t say these things and expect me not to react. And I didn’t till he pushed me over the edge which he always did as he was looking for a reaction. And when I tried to get through to him, he’d push me away which was so different to before when he used to cry to me and speak to me about his life so far. And then when I exploded, he held that reaction against me not looking at things in context. Needless to say I couldn’t even explain that to him. Although this perhaps is normal in a relationship (hell what would I know), this is what stands out for me. He used to need me so badly that he’d made threats about killing himself. Once during a usual fight which happened out of nowhere, he made me hold the phone whilst he overdosed and I was crying all this time asking him why is he doing that. He said to show me that things have consequences. All the time i thought but I haven’t done anything! He kept in touch with his ex’s and once when I walked out of uni, a guy who knew I was in a relationship asked me out anyway. I told my partner this and said some ppl are so weird, and he went crazy. He started swearing at him and then at me saying it was all my fault. I asked him why and that I had put him in his place and even ignored him after that instance and my partner said because when speaking to him (my partner) I was defending that guy. I said I wasn’t, I was only concerned that there was no need for anger and that it was settled. And he stated saying things like just because im not in the country, guys think it’s ok to act this way, etc, etc. but I know that my partner isn’t the jealous type at all on a usual day so I was stunned and scared to see how anger and abusive he was being. Another day I went to see him abroad where he worked and went to his house. The temperature was mid 30s and his flat had no fans or windows. I couldn’t breathe and said lets go back to my hotel as I don’t feel so well. He went crazy and said I was insulting him and his house thinking im superior and too good for him. He left me in the house and walked away. By the time he came back, I said I was going to go back to my hotel. I didn’t go before because i knew he’d be angry to see id left. He followed me all the way and I told him to go away…but he didn’t. So in defiance of wanting to be left alone, I argued with him but he still didn’t go and followed me all the way to the hotel. We were standing on the street for 4 hrs before this. I kept saying if he wanted me to go, I was going so why wouldn’t he let me then? I didn’t understand yet let him come with me eventually. I saw he looked tired and felt sorry for him..gave him a hug and he burst out crying apologising saying he didn’t mean any of it. Again I forgave him. The next time I visited him, he fought with me a lot! On simple things like opening the door for myself of a restaurant when we were fighting and not letting him get it implying that I don’t want him to do anything for me. The truth was I was rushing out so as to not make a scene..he’s insulted me in front of nearly all his friends and I didn’t want a repeat of that. The worst fight we had was that one day I simply asked him to listen to something on the laptop but he said he didn’t want to and wanted to listen to something else first. And then out of nowhere he threw the laptop down and said now you’re fighting again and walked into the bedroom and shut the door. I was really upset and cried quietly (he never let me cry with voices). I cried for 2 hrs and then went to the bathroom. With the shock of what had happened, I had burst a blood vessel in my nose and there was blood everywhere. I woke him up and he looked after me and we stopped the bleed. He asked if I’d like anything and came and sat next to me and I just ignored him. I didn’t have the energy to be sweet to him then. The next day I felt drained and was lying on the couch. He came in from work and became upset when I wouldn’t be friendly to him. I said im ill and would just like to lie quietly. And he said well then go in the bedroom. I said im bored, I’ve been there forever, just need a change of scenery. He got pissed off and went In to the bedroom and shut the door. I became very angry this time round because I came to see him and all he had done was act like a child during this whole trip slamming doors and walking out over nothing. I asked him to get up and he said no. I said fine and walked away, and grabbed the laptop to book my flight home. I wasnt going to book it just see if there were any cheap flights because it felt like the best thing to do. He thought I was going to leave him and came out of the bedroom saying I can’t go. I said to him the whole 2 mths id spent with him he told me he never wanted to be a part of my life past the initial months and that his heart was never in it, so why stop me? He grabbed the laptop from me and told me to stay. I was really angry and said he can’t do this. This was only the second occasion where I had let myself lose it during these two yrs. So I grabbed my suitcase and started packing. And then he raised his hand at me. I still don’t say he hit me because he’s never allowed me to say that. He hurt me physically. But he never admits it. He says he only pushed me gently so I fell on the sofa. But he doesn’t deny it when I say that he pushed me so I fell down on the sofa and then pinned me against it yelling at me that I can’t walk away like this. When I cried he mocked me. he then went onto grab my arms so that I wouldn’t walk out the door. Whilst he did that, he mocked me and said if I threw your stuff on the street, would you fetch it then, etc. he left me with bruised arms that I couldn’t move for a week. Yet he denies that this is any form of abuse. I was so upset I left but later I became worried and returned from the 300 quid a night hotel to see that he didn’t kill himself. He hadn’t. So I left for the hotel telling him my heart as broken and I may not survive. Yes for the first time, I threatened him with my life to show him that it hurts when someone u love threatens u. but I didn’t threaten him with suicide just that I may die of natural causes the amount I was hurting. He walked all the way at night to the hotel. I let him in and he asked to stay. I let him and asked him why? Why? Why? Why? He said if I’ll continue to spk, he’ll make me pay. And then he hurt himself…again. I grabbed him and strangely I had the strength to overpower him and calm him down. After that he begged me not to leave and I stayed. I stayed another month. At the end of the month, he said he felt better but that he wouldn’t marry me. I said then why did he ask me to stay extra? And he said cuz he didn’t want us to part that way but he was over me. So I gave him a hug and left. Later he shifted to this country, and resumed contact. I told him to stay away. His friends told me to tell him to stay away. But he said he felt alone. I let him in and we worked towards each other. Well that’s what I thought..when I asked him if that’s indeed what was happening he insulted me once again in front of his friends. He said I was a failure, had failed the relationship, that he deserved better, he wanted someone else. All of that is fine and I wrote him off as an idiot I once loved. People say to me why I don’t ignore him when he resumes contact and I don’t because the man I once loved told me in confidence that never leave my side or shut me out as I’ve been hurt that way and I made a promise to him which I intend to keep. His reaction last week at threatening me made me think that maybe there’s a reason why he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I had an accident recently, I told him when he asked how I was that I was ok. He told me to take care 2 weeks ago. Last week when he fought with me, he implied he would have been ok if he hadn’t seen my face again. Such a stark change and out of nowhere. He’s made indirect references that I make his skin crawl. That I’ve taken his friends away despite me telling him I don’t speak about him to his friends which is true, I’ve never spoken behind his back. He has. In fact, I don’t let his friends write on my facebook wall so that he doesn’t feel offended. In addition to that, I realiz that he has the inability to see things in context. I always thought he was selfish but maybe there’s more to it. He honestly can’t see what he does wrong. He never once said sorry after he hurt me. he forgets his mistakes. he says it’s my fault that im so fragile and that I deserved the physical hurt. What he did is forgivable but I wanted him to apologise because it scared me that he can’t see his error. I am scared of his anger, his anger is really bad. He hurts himself physically and me both physically and mentally. In addition, he’s never given me a birthday gift despite me buying him lavish gifts. He lets it pass without occasion…again I thought he was selfish but then ppl who are away from him like female work colleagues, he takes out and pays for them. I often say to him what happened to that sweet guy I fell in love with. And he says that isn’t the real him, he was forced to change for me and he was never happy with me. before he used to apologise straight after making the mistake, but towards the end of the relationship, he simply denies making any. he can’t remember one good time between us and I remember loads from our relationship. He says all that comes to his mind is my poison. My heart is broken as much as it could have been. And im gone from his life. But last week, it made me think what if he’s not well. I want to tell him the possibility of him being bipolar but I know he won’t take it well. Once when I said to him, this behaviour isn’t normal, he called me unstable and told everyone that im borderline psychotic. Since then, most of his friends and family (the ones who haven’t met me), think I am as such too. To be honest, there was a point when I did start questioning my own sanity and that’s the point when I started telling my friends what had happened and they assured me something’s not right here and to stay away. His friends who know me say im nothing like what he described. I open my mouth to speak and he calls me unstable. How can I ever tell him to consider that he maybe bipolar when I don’t know that he is myself? Shall I leave him to it and not make it my problem? He won’t speak to me after saying what he did last week. I don’t know if he’ll stay away…he’s never managed it in the past. Should I consider posting info to him on being bipolar? I know he won’t believe it. He hates it when I once said I cared for him a lot esp. after him having attempted suicide. He said I was implying he’s cripple and less of a man and I have insulted him like no other and that im the one who needs medical attention. What do I do? I care for him still not in a romantic way but as someone I did once love. And before all that, does it seem that he’s bipolar? Reading all the net all day, he does resemble a lot of the people who state how they behave in a relationship. I would like your views and advice. I feel very lost. Could he be bipolar and if so what do I do?
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replied April 22nd, 2011
Extremely eHealthy (online)
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replied April 22nd, 2011
Hey Roserose83,

I was very sad when reading this, I even cried myself. So for someone who been trough this must be really hard. To me it looks like he is bi-polar but what can I know? I am not a doctor. It is kinda up to you, what will you do? Give him the information? or leave it alone but I guess it is really hard to let him go. I think you have to find a way to bring him this information without getting him mad/angry. On the sites I give on the bottom of this post there is some advise how to get someone to a doctor (hope it helps). Maybe by telling his parents first? so they can tell him?

I've been trough some sort of the same situation, both living in another country and the same weird personality switch. If you wanna talk on MSN about this you can add me. Just leave me a message and I will send you my e-mail. I know that it is really hard but I think you should make a decision stay with him or leave him. When you wanna stay with him, fight for your relationship, if you wanna leave him, don't contact him anymore.

The links in this post helped me alot to understand the illness, my situation still sucks but I realized what she is going trough. I hope it will help you too.

Well if you wanna talk with me about it, or have more questions, let me know, add me or whatever Smile I am always her to help you. Hopefully we can help each other with this messed up situation Smile

Best of luck to you!
Stay strong
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