Ending a Relationship Forum - Help me to get out of this toxic relationship

Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum > Help me to get out of this toxic relationship

Q: Help me to get out of this toxic relationship

asked by: deteragram on April 24th, 2009

Supporter

Long story, sorry. Met a guy about 7 years ago, dated him, fell for him, broke up with him because I knew something was not right, later found out that he was married. (He came here from another country nearly twenty years ago, worked and saved the money to bring his wife and two sons over. She came, was homesick, hated being here and went back home.) They have been married in name only for about 25 years, won't get a divorce because they are Catholic.
My problem? Even after all this time I am still stuck on him. It goes against everything in me to be with a married man but I can't seem to stay away. Each time I swear I won't see him again. I've made it almost 2 years before breaking down and calling him up. Since then I have dated other men but none of them do for me what he does. I even had sex with a guy once to try and get this man out of my system and it backfired; I just felt guilty and trashy afterward.
I am 38, have never been married and I don't have any children. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was holding out for the right man. He's the right man, but the circumstances are all wrong. We could do what he wants- live together and have a house full of babies but my morals and religious convictions prevent me from doing that, no matter how much I want to. I tried once, told him I didn't care if he was legally married to another woman, that I loved him and could not bear to be without him. A few weeks later that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returned and I knew I couldn't settle for so little from him. So, I broke up with him yet again.
It's been almost 2 years since the last breakup and, like a fool, I called him up the other day. Essentially, I've been making booty calls to him. We go at it like rabbits for a few weeks until I'm sated and can resist him again.
He's married, I'm using him for sex, we're both unhappy. He won't bend and get a divorce. I won't bend and settle for anything less than marriage and we just wind up hurting one another over and over again.
Could someone please snap me out of this before I go crawling back to him again? Be as harsh as you like. I need a swift kick in the rear!

Replies(19)

mei3na4

replied on April 25th, 2009

New User

dear friend,
hi,
although i am not expert in solving such problems but i have some experience. my father have two wives and i am the child of first one. both women have children. but i have never seen each one is the happiest ,,,i mean if you will marry the man who already has a wife and children , i think you will never be fully satisfied with that man and with you!
next its all up to you,,but it will create problems for you and your future kids...are you ready to face it ?
thanks .
meina

Users who thank mei3na4 for this post: deteragram

jamalismyname

replied on April 25th, 2009

New User

Seems to me like you are wasting your precious time here.

If this man truly loved you, he would get this settled about him being "married in name". But he won't settle it, and that to me, as a man, is a sign that he doesn't really love you. I would not waste any more of your life with this person.

Turn to God and do what is pleasing to Him and things will fall into place for you. I"m in my 30s and single so understand a little bit how you feel.

Don't waste anymore of your time here. This man obviously is not meant to be your husband.

Users who thank jamalismyname for this post: deteragram

deteragram

replied on April 26th, 2009

Supporter

Thanks for responding to my post. I was anxious to hear what others had to say but my friend had a medical emergency with her baby yesterday so I wound up at the hostpital all day yesterday.
mei3na4, I appreceiate the advice but if I can't stomach the thought of being with a married man I certainly won't consider committing bigamy to be his second wife.
jamalismyname, thanks for being so honest with me about my chances with this man. I'm hoping that if I hear it enough times from other people it will finally sink in. I've been telling myself that for years but for some reason I keep going back for more. Maybe one of these days I'll get a clue.
Thanks again, guys.

rightside

replied on April 26th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Listen well..

You wanted it straight, so here it is...Life is so short. You are here, and in an instant you're gone. You'll never pass this way again. You are wasting precious time on a man that will never truly be yours, and it is obvious that is what you really want. You seem to have a conscience. It's telling you this relationship is wrong. You could be missing out on finding a great man that loves you and you alone. You shouldn't settle for anything less. Aren't you worth it? Or are you so ashamed and disgusted at yourself for settling that you want to deny yourself true happiness as punishment? Gather your self-respect, tell this guy adios, and you will find true love. The only reason you haven't found it yet is because you won't let go of this man. Imagine how you would feel if you were his wife? It won't be easy, you are used to this relationship, skimpy as it is. Life can be filled with wonderful things for you if you take steps to change it. If not, you are going to wind up an old lady all alone, no man and no family. And all for what..? Some guy that didn't think enough of you for anything other than a now and then piece of a-s. He'll continue to keep things as they are, because you are letting him. "Why buy the cow.." ever hear that saying? It is so true! Good luck, and hope you make the right decision!

Users who thank rightside for this post: Fairy Godmother deteragram

JavaMissus

replied on April 26th, 2009

Supporter

My dear friend: You asked me to be truthful, so this is what you will get...You could have been the other woman in my post of last week...The one that was waiting for my husband at a hotel room...Whether he told you he had a lousy marriage, and was not sexual with his wife or not, it is wrong....I hurt with you, for I know the inner pain that you are going through...You are a good woman and the only mistake in life you made was falling in love with the wrong man...Now getting over this love will not be easy...A certain part of him will remain with you as it should...It will sweeten your days when you are my age and make you smile remembering the joys of passion of your yesterday....Yet, saying this, he must either be cast aside or leave his wife for you...There just is no other way....

There is a movie that my husband and I watch a couple of times a year...I love it...We watched it three nights ago..Every time we watch it, it starts me thinking and thinking and thinking....It is called "Same Time Next Year"...It was made in 1978...Stars Elley Burstyn and Alan Alda...Get it...Watch it...Think about it...To tell you the truth honey, I thank God that this was not me...

Live with your memories...Cry a little and love yourself....Clear your mind so that you can go forward....You, my dear, are just entering your hot years in life...This is why you have these wild erotic feelings of sexual want...Your 40's are a new awakening and then on to your hot 50's....I believe that there is nothing as wonderful as a woman who has the confidence of all her years and the knowledge of life to back it up....Go get it girl....Find the man who will open your soul....It will happen if you let it........

Much love,
Caroline

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

Thanks for responding to my post, Caroline. I figured you would have some good advice.
Here's the problem, though. He's not with his wife, just legally married to her. She had been in her native country for about fifteen years and only moved to the United States about a year ago. (Once his sons got old enough, they both came over and the mother followed them.) Now she's in either New York or New Jersey and he's still in North Carolina. Once I found out about her, I asked him why they didn't try and make a go of it, even encouraged it, but he said they had been apart too long and had changed too much.
I know he's not with her for other reasons, too. I've spent the night at his house and vice versa numerous times over the years, I've met lots of his friends Before I found out about his wife he even spent Thanksgiving with my family! When he went to Florida to spend Christmas with his brothers and sisters he even left his cell phone, his only phone, with me and I took messages for him the entire week.
It would be much easier if I knew he was sleeping with her, if we had to sneak around... If that were the case, I KNOW I could stay away from him.
To make matters worse, my family LOVED him. He fit in perfectly with us. My brothers, who don't like ANY of the men my sisters and I 'bring home' even liked him. My devoutly religious mother still says, "I know he was a rascal but I really liked him." Every time I see him he asks about her and tells me to "tell Momma hi." And while I was working with him, she would ask about him every now and then and tell me how sad it was that we never could make it work. My friends say I should take what I can get since he's married in name only. Arrrrrrrrrr!
Sorry, didn't mean to write a book. Just trying to explain how unique and frustrating this situation is. I've seen that movie, by the way and I enjoyed it although I could never settle for one week a year, or whatever the time frame was.

Rosie H

replied on April 27th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

there is only one other thing you could do and that is request he get a divorce. it shouldnt be that hard seeing as they are both in the US. Maybe tell him that if hes so religious then why is he comitting adultry? As soon as he was with someone other than his legal wife the marriage was over...in God's eyes at least. The vows he took are out the window. Have you tried to explain the situation from this point?

I dont know....old Hispanic families rarely change there beliefs though.

JavaMissus

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

Honey, then why do you stay away from him?...What is a marriage that is no marriage?...Your family will embrace him...If they don't so what?...It is your life....He has his morals with the church and not divorcing her and so be it...Priests now marry....Nuns marry....Why should you lead your life away from him because of some piece of paper that the Catholic Church says about marriage?....If I had a bad marriage and not lusted for my husband years ago I would have left him and never looked back...That alone is the reason I did not marry the pre-med student who was going to be resident...I didn't hunger for him...A woman needs what you speak about...It doesn't come to all of us...To know heaven like we know it and be able to find it over and over again is truly a gift from the maker...Look around you girl...The world is filled with lovers who are not married...I am not promoting this, but instead speaking of life....He is not with this woman and loves you.....

If I had been that woman in the movie and seen my husband that night at dinner, I would be her...Mistakes are made in life...This is especially true with young marriages...I married at 21 and a half and had time to live...So many women marry too young and live with regret...Saying this, I, too, would have met him once a year and lived in the lust of that weekend...As far as I am concerned you only live once...Be happy....I can only tell you to be happy....

Love,
Caroline

ServiceU

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

If he refuses to divorce his wife, then that tells you how he feels. if he really loves you and dont want to let you go, then he wont.
i got out of a 4 1/2 yr. relationship with someone who didnt want to get married. at the end i was told he wasnt in love with me, felt like he could do better, but was afraid to let me go b/c i was a great women. so he waisted my time and cause a lot of hurt and i have the battle scares to prove it.
your 38 IF YOU EVER WANT KIDS AND GET MARRIED YOU BETTER LEAVE HIM ALONE NOW SO YOU CAN BE AVAILABLE FOR THE RIGHT MAN.

Users who thank ServiceU for this post: deteragram

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

Rosie H, I've asked him to divorce her. He refuses. He gave me a couple of reasons but never any great detail. From what I understand, if he divorces her she will be 'shamed'- it will be disrespectful to both her and his sons. Also, he promised his sons he would not divorce her and that he would always take care of her financially. I believe he would be excommunicated from the church for divorcing; I'm not sure because I am not Catholic. But I know he will not be excommunicated for committing adultery.

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

Caroline-
I want to have a child. He has asked me to have his child many times- partly because he wants to tie me to him permanently and partly because he genuinely wants to have a baby with me, and he has always wanted a daughter. But what on earth will I tell a child when they ask why we have never married???
And I've sowed my wild oats. I'm ready to settle down and marry, to have the ring and the ceremony and the name change. I'm greedy- I want it all and I feel that I deserve it. I want a legal and religious recognition of our love and commitment to one another.
Not only that, but my religion is very important to me as well. (I know you wouldn't think it after reading my former posts, but it's true.) How can I sit in church with a belly sticking out and no husband, especially if I do it on purpose. I will still be loved and welcomed but I will disappoint myself and others if I move in with him and have a child. And I will always feel a certain amount of shame for playing house with someone else's husband.

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

deniseforte-
I guess I should have simply asked how to get over someone instead of telling my life story! lol Any suggestions? I can literally go a year without seeing or speaking to him, I can date other guys, I can vow to never see him again but after so much time he comes to mind. Then I find myself driving past his house, putting his number back in my cellphone, finding an excuse to call and ask him something... and before I know it, we're right back together again. After 7 years off and on, this is really getting old!
I've just never found anyone else special.

Rosie H

replied on April 27th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

wow that is just too bad. why does love have to be so difficult at times. If you have talked to him then that doesnt leave you much options...I cannot beleive he would outright refuse? So divorce is worse than adultry? Didnt know that. Seeing as your religion means a lot to you...I would try and move on. There has to be someone out there. Im mean true love happens all the time, but this doesnt sound like true love to me...since hes not willing to meet you half way.

Im so sorry. Just pray...ask God for forgiveness and ask him to bring you whats best for you. He will do not worry and do not lose faith. Your love is worthy of someone. And that man will give you everything you can give

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

Thanks so much, Rosie H. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out. I keep telling myself that there is someone else out there for me. Guess I need to start looking harder.

JavaMissus

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

I wrote this before I saw your last post...If I had known that this was not an intense relationship and that you hungered for him, my answers would not have been what they were...Seeing I did the post below after I saw your last one to me, I am going to put it on.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First of all, I question if in this life and new generation, do people worry about who marries who and who is not married?....I guess I know of too many couples who have lived in name only and too many women who cry for their yesterdays...This post is not necessarily addressed to you, but women in general...I have spoken out and will be dam*ed for my words, but what else is new?...I say it like it is...This is my style.........

I do not promote an affair, but I understand an affair...I believe in many cases this is true of the woman not holding her end of the bargain in the marriage vows...But these are my thoughts....My thinking on this is years ago I had a big wedding... I was 21....I was marrying my lover and it was the thing to do...Big party and a bunch of wasted money, but these are my words and I am older and thinking back on time...I do not live in the dreamland of yesteryear as far as my wedding...I would just as soon forget it with all the work and preparation involved, but then this is me looking back on time...

As far as your sowing your oats...Good....In my time frame of life I suppose that I should have settled down for life too...Oh, my oats were sowed years ago, but this does not encompass being a hot sexual woman who does not know what tomorrow will bring....I told you once...You have only just begun....If I had known when I was your age what I know now, I would have written a book on life....But I didn't....It is a part of life that I found and never had a book to read about it...It was there overnight...And it does not stop...

After reading your last post, don't see him again...You will make each other miserable...His wants and yours are not the same...Both of your lines in life are drawn and they cannot be erased for a compromise....These are just my thoughts...

Users who thank JavaMissus for this post: deteragram

Rosie H

replied on April 27th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

deteragram wrote:

Thanks so much, Rosie H. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out. I keep telling myself that there is someone else out there for me. Guess I need to start looking harder.

definately...and yes there is someone out there. Really and truly let this man go. If in Gods time he comes back willing then you know you are meant to be. I cannot imagine how hard this must be though...all I know is God will get you through it all

My affirmation for today was : "The will of God will never take you where the grace of god will not protect you"

You are in this dilema for a reason...much love!

Users who thank Rosie H for this post: deteragram

ServiceU

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

dont worry about telling anyone your business. no one knows what you look like & we are hear to help each other.
would you like to know my business??
after my horrible mentally abusive 4 1/2 yr. relationship.he was 5 years younger than me, always confused of what he wanted and critsize me from head to toe, threw women in my face.
i m currently in a relationship with a guy who is the opposite of the last nightmare. he is sweet, loving, compliments me, conversation, sex, and everything is good. i felt like he was my soul mate....but he lives with his girlfriend. i've been happy with him for two years. i already have kids, font want to get married, but we talked about separating b/c i dont think it's right...that was in November...and its almost may. i call myself slowly letting him go. i broke up with him for two days and got back with him. My situation is simular to yours but much worse. im sharing him.

deteragram

replied on April 27th, 2009

Supporter

deniseforte

I know how you feel. It's hard when your heart is telling you one thing and your head is telling you something other.
I so envy people like Caroline and Rosie. They're great women with equally wonderful husbands but, unfortunatley, the path to love is not so easy.
Well, enough of my pity party. I've deleted his number from my phone and I will try my best to stay away from him. Think I'll sign up for a dating website. That ought to keep him off my mind- at least for a little while.
Good luck with your situation.

worrywart01

replied on April 27th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

GOOD FOR YOU! Its hard moving on, but I think as soon as you find another guy to distract you you wont have any problems! Plus..just keep this in mind even if he DID get a divorce for you...hes a cheater...he cheated on his wife with you..years down the road he'll probably do it again...you need a guy with good morals..this one is a bad catch

Users who thank worrywart01 for this post: deteragram

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