Hey, I'm a girl.. 19 years old, graduated high school, and living in a small town in Australia. I doubt if people will take the time to read this. But if you do read this then cheers, you've really made my day. I'll try to make it brief...
My family is going through stress. My grandma is in hospital with a serious condition, and we also just found out my dad has serious heart conditions (my dads pretty old). I only have one sister and shes 2 years older than me. My mum is stressing out about everything, with financial difficulties, grandma, my dad. My mum and dad fight everyday over the lack of money. My sister goes to university but whines that mum and dad dont give her enough money to "Help her out"(shes a spoiled brat). My dad stresses as well. He screams obscenities over EVERY little thing, and my mum hates that. My dads anger is probably the result of his heart condition.
I'm just tired of the same old routines. I have only 2 friends left. And I'm so scared I'm going to lose them too. But the problem is.. I'm a needy person. I need love from people I need to hear "I love you". And I'm so damn sad... I need someone to just listen to me. I wish I could just sit down and really talk to someone without time limits or interruptions... but I cant because my 2 friends are also, both depressed. So we agree not to burden each other with our own problems. It would just make things worse for us.
My best friend is a guy, (let's call him Chuck) Although he lives in a different country, we've known each other for 5 years and we talk through phone, msn, skype etc. He has soo many problems with his own life (it'd be another story just to tell his side, so I wont) But he has no family (all of them have passed on) so he lives alone but he also has heart problems. He said he wants to come to Australia to just escape from all of his problems for a while. I told him that would be good for him and me. But he's been saying he's going to come here for over 6 months now... yesterday he said to me "I'm packing my stuff". yeah, he said that 2 months ago too. I don't question anything anymore, I just ignore it all. Because I know so much is ridiculous if I did question things, I'd be physically exhausted.
My other friend lives in the same state. Luckily I can hang out with her. But the problem is, I hardly get to. She lives an hour away from me. And shes got her own problems. Lately shes on anti-depressents too. Everything in my life is so flippin depressing, even the people I turn to are depressed! which makes me feel more like !**@! because I don't want to burden them with my stupid problems. And I know they couldn't handle more of that themself anyway.
I've lost all sense of direction... I'll tell you a secret. I use to have a crush on Chuck. I really fell hard for him. Because he and I have everything in common (and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING) from favorite foods to favorite music. But I figured he was too involved with that other girl (even though she cheated on him) that he wouldn't even notice me, even though he says he needs me all the time. He literally, calls me every single day just to talk. But anyway, I have no crush on him anymore... well no. Because I realized he wouldn't ever love me more then just a close friend. He loves this other girl thats so bad to him.. he cries ALL THE TIME because of her. And he comes to me for help all the time.
Anyway, I just lost everything. I've become indifferent about life. I have no plans for life, I just take it as it comes. I only have dreams. I have dreams to travel the world. But my parents pressure me to go to university to get "real" dreams.
I've been told "why don't you just go out and have fun?" Because nobody understands that I do actually try to "have fun". Nothing I do feels fun to me anymore. I don't find fun in just going out and socialising. I feel this black hole in me and it can never be filled no matter how hard I try. Whether I'm surrounded by a bunch of people or not. I still feel isolated and lonely. I feel sad all the time.
My fingers hurt from typing. I have so much more to say but I give up. Nobody will read this. If you do then all I can say is wow, you have no idea how much it helps me just to know somebody read this. You must be a really nice person.
Caroline, thank-you so much for your reply, it means the world to me that somebody actually listened.
I've been searching for jobs here. But in this town theres only so much I can do. The town I live in, just so happens to be the worst town in the state to find employment. I did have a job. I was a waitress at a real fancy restaurant. But eventually they fired me to bring in the younger 16 year olds. Once you his 18, and your on an adult salary, it's harder to find jobs. But I am searching.
Hi again Jennifer...I think that this is so important for you....I know what you mean about the job situation as people hire to pay the lower wages...I know how it is living in a house with everyone screaming at one another...You want to put your hands over your ears and hide....I had a Father like that and it was terrible...It was only when I got married and got out of there that I found peace...And may I add that I have lived in peace since that time...
I doubt that your friend who has a girlfriend and you will work out....You are close to start and the problem being he will probably fall back on her....If I were you I would try and find a job even if it is baby sitting and save my money....Set your goals and work for them...I am not sure what you are supposed to go for in University and don't want to be voicing my opinion against this, but it must be your choice and not theirs...
Now time for me to head to bed...Stay well and talk to you soon...Take care...
I feel exactly the same. So lonely. Don't want to do anything at all, even the things I used to like. Im 23, my girlfriend and I split up recently and I know that is what triggered this. It's like I have nothing to live for anymore. And I want to find someone new to share life with and bring it meaning again, but I can't because I'm too broken right now. I don't even want anyone else, even though her and I are not right for eachother.
Im lying jn bed feeling so lonely and meaningless. So i googled "i feel so lonely" and got here.
A job could help, but in my case, I go to work and it's nice to finally be around some people, but then it comes time to go home and I have the long gruling night of complete loneliness (I live alone). Not to mention everything in this house reminds me of her.
You have to get out to meet people and believe me I know that's hard to do when you feel like you're in a deep dark hole and don't want to do anything. It's going to take the right person that you click with and I really think that will bring you out of that dark hole. I know it would for me.
I know I'm just another depressed guy you're talking to. I can't turn to anyone myself, i could, but i do not want to seem so broken and make them feel sorry for me.
I hope you do seek out a counsellor because I can't tell you enough how much talking to someone helps figure things out.
Try not to be so hard on yourself - you're doing the best you can and that IS enough.
The environment you're living in though doesn't sound so good. It's not fair you should have to endure your parents issues on top of your own.
Is there any chance you could go to university in the city and board with other students?
Try break the routine - just doing one thing differently and it can make a huge difference, just make sure it's a positive thing and not something that isn't healthy for you.
Never give up on your dreams either - NEVER EVER! (and that's an order lol!!)
Be kind to yourself
i feel it is a mad world at this moment in time, just fight and fight thts life as i see one big fight, i have just begun reading a book called tao of jeet kune do, this is a book of the thoughts of bruce lee, i prob bet your thinking of fightning right about now lol but its not just that, it talks of life as it is and is sort of a guidence on how to look at things in life as they are and is full of mind blowing thoughts such as "establish nothing in regards to ones self. pass quickly like the non existentand be quiet as purity. those who gain lose. do not proceed others, always follow them" and " let yourself go with the disease,be with it, keep company with it- this is the way to be rid of it" i hope these are some what usefull in some way as i feel for you i try my best these days and just as you said go with the flow let each day come as a new with no thought of past but progression in oneself.
p.s i thought you might like to hear tht i love you things will fall into place and be for the good everything else will be natural
message me if you ever need to talk to anybody
First of all thanks for reading my reply, it also means a lot to me! You sound like a nice person with a lot of
problems. I'm sorry to hear about the physical health of your family, that must be hard.
I totally understand what you are going through, i know what it's like to be depressed and then have additional pressure added by family. I know first hand what it is like to have a screaming abusive father. It's horrible, to be stuck in an atmosphere, where you feel like your suffocating. Being lonely is extremely painful, having limited or no people you can share your problems with is tragic. Believe me i know the feeling!
As for your friend 'chuck', i'm glad you have a close friend, but it can be hard to control feelings, especially when you feel like crap and everything around you is giving you grief! We tend to rely and expect too much from the only source of friendship or close connection we have.
Regarding your situation and where you live, you need a plan and some goals! My advice to you is to get out more, try to meet different people, Make a life for yourself! You need to get out of that house, being surrounded by negative energy and anger is never good for one's health. Tust me, i'm older than you (2, and wish i had done something to leave, but i haven't, i wasn't brave enough to face the world, plus in my culture it isn't really allowed, but everyone has to grow up sometime! I wish i did earlier because it doesn't get any easier! I wish i was 19 again and done things differently. I know it can be scary, but if you take it one little step at a time. Like the girl above said, even if it is babysitting, making small changes will help, change the atmosphere around you.
Go and see a doctor and ask if you can have some counselling.
Try not to worry, and just do the best you can. You sound like a smart girl, i don't know if you believe in God, but if you do try to take some time out to pray for peace of mind and a clear head. I'm not particularly religious, but now and again i do pray for strength.
I hope and pray things will get better for you, but if you ever need a friend or are lonely, and need to talk, you can write to me..!
Hi Jennifer, how are you?
There's soooo much I'd like to say, but since I type with 2 fingers (one from each hand--hehehe) it would take me weeks> So I'll make it short. You are a very beautiful young woman.(if that's you in the picture)I can't believe that guys (or even girls) are not fighting over you. hehehe You're smiling, I feel it.
Seriously, if you find it hard to have fun in a conventional way, why don't you write down and or share with someone, your ways/ideas to "have fun" ?
Don't be afraid about it. I'm an older guy, but my mind is stuck way back in time. I also had similar life experiences when I was your age. I ran away at 13, only to have the police bring me back home for the beating of my life, and at 16, I moved 5000 miles away. It seems that everyone has problems in life, doesn't it. Whenever you feel down, remember that there are millions of people in worse conditions. I know this is probably boring you It makes me sad to know that you feel the way you do Ever thought of boarding a ship and sail away? Or even apply for a job on a Cruise Ship?
Do you suffer from motion sickness? I hope not
There's a phrase: "You have to cross the mountain if you wanna get to the other side; The other side will not come to you"! (something like that) It's so true. I'm still waiting for the other side to come to me. In other words, we all have dreams, but unless we act on it, .....
You haven't been here in 12 days. ??
I hope you're feeling better and you found a good job.
Pls keep us posted. TC. T.
hello , don't think too much about what you are helpless in. it will only make you feel worse. i had faced similar situation, well, i guess time will make things better both financial and your emotions. when you are in love with one, it's just make you feel that you really like that person but not until when you are in a new relationship with the other. sometimes, it leads to realization that your previous crush is not the right. haha i'm not an expert in this, but i really hope you will feel better
i feel same but i have trust issues and find it hard to talk to people about my problems even my parents the only person i trusted in my life was my ex-boyfriend, who then turned on me and triggered my depression i have no idea what to do anymore i have energy anymore to deal with everyday life i have tried get job but going work everyday made me feel worst i tried going out and doing things i use to enjoy and being around my friends but that even made me feel worst i have no idea what to do anymore came across this site and this my first post i ever made about my feelings ..
this post is late and idk maybe you have gotten over your depression and care to share
Hey Jennifer I'm probably a bit late on this but I just stumbled upon it cause I'm also feeling very alone right now and am looking for answers to a few things. I thought I found a girl but I was to afraid to make anything of it and now I feel like I've lost any chance. Having someone to talk with is huge...I try to keep smiling everyday no matter how much it hurts or how sad I feel. That seems to help a little but each night I feel alone again. All I want is a girl in my life and always seem to mess it up. Whatever you are going through know that u r not alone. Know that if u ever need someone to talk to I am here and I really hope things are going better for you since your post in march of 2011.