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He can't stay hard

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Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. Our sex life has been up and down. Some days it can be amazing and some days it can be terrible.
On the days that it is terrible, he just can't stay hard. When we are lying in bed and start kissing he immediately gets hard - even when we haven't even done anything! Once we start taking off our clothes and begin touching each other he slowly goes soft. When this happens he knows, so he goes down on me and starts masterbating himself to get back hard. But it's like once he loses his hard-on he can't get it back up again. He'll get close, close enough to think he can start penetration but he goes soft after he's only just entered me.

He seems to have the same excuses. That he's "tired", it's "too late at night", it's "too hot". I have tried adapting to these, but even when we change the time of day he still says that he's tired. I have put the airconditioner on full coldness and that doesn't even help. I have tried talking to him about it, and he is generally frustrated with himself and does want to get help. But once we talk about it, we never talk about it again until the next time we have miserable sex. But it never gets anywhere. I don't want to nag him forever but this sort of sex life is frustrating.

When the sex is good, it is amazing. It's kinda like you have to catch him on a good day to get any sort of satisfaction. But that's not how it should be. I get tired from my job, but find sex is a great stress reliever for me. But unfortunately my other half is un-predictable when it comes to sex.

I don't know what to do. I really love him and know he is my soul mate. But the sex can be so disappointing and makes me feel like i'm not doing the right thing. I never thought that I would be more sex-crazy than a guy, until I met this one. Sex isn't everything, but being sexually frustrated is depressing!

Not sure what to do!
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First Helper kristigraham
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replied May 15th, 2012
Community Volunteer
It is very likely a bigger irritation for him, than for you. And it is not you. And very likely it is not him. I think you have now pretty much figured out his penis has a head of itself, deciding what to do when. It is important for him to see his doctor to make sure itis not a sign of another problem. Even if he does not want any Cialis, Viagra or Levitra, his doctor still needs to make sure his cholesterol, heart and blood flow is good.

It is very often caused by anxiety and stress when there are no obvious medical conditions.

What is the quality of his original erection like?

A few suggestions:

1) Take the pressure off him for penetrative sex. When he loses his erection, don't let him go to masturbation. I am sure he feels humiliated when he masturbate to get hard only to lose it again. And i am convinced that it is not what you want. Continue with foreplay. Give him a massage to relax him, give him a blow job or hand job, or let him go down on you or finger you. Take his mind off the immediate panic and disappointment. Just ignore it like there is nothing wrong and continue with other things. It sounds like when he is not thinking about the problem, his erection will come back.

2) just go to bed and wake up in a few hours time when he had some time to rest and relax. If you are up forint, wake him up with a blow job. I am yet to meet the guy that will not think you are the best thing that happened to him if you wake him up like that. Try again then when his mind and body is more relaxed.

3) swap roles. If you are normally the passive partner, take the lead and let him lie back. Try different levels of aggressiveness, gentle and loving, aggressive and very aggressive and domineering. See if any of these changes make a difference.

Lastly, have you tried to track a pattern of when he is good and when he does not perform well?

Best of luck, and remember that he is even more difficult for him. A man's ego is closely tied to his performance and ability to please you. You can be angry that he does not want to seek help, but not because this is happening. And you need to make that clear to him.
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