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He Almost cheated... will he do it again?

A little bit of background first: my boyfriend and I met a little over a year ago. I have a son (from a previous relationship) who was 3 when we met. It only took about 3 months before my son and I moved into his apartment. When we first met we were both working, but I lost my job a few months ago and we decided I would just be a stay at home mom. He is a bartender at a restaurant. Now there are just some things that I am not into sexually... Mainly anal. I made this a CLEAR point when we first got together. I told him that if this was a deal breaker that we mind as well not even be together. He said that it was fine with him and he still wanted to pursue a relationship with me. He took in my son like he was his own and is VERY good to him. He now provides for both of us without complaint and is a wonderful man. I thought everything was great in our relationship. We had discussed our past relationships and he really only had 1 and it lasted for about a year. Other than that, he just slept with MANY girls (over 100 according to him, but who knows how true that really is). I, on the other hand, had almost nothing but serious relationships.

When he first started at the restaurant he was a waiter. There were a few of his co-workers that I had met when I would go up there and eat. There was 1 girl in particular that he was rather friendly with. I really didn't care for the way they acted around each other... very flirty. I used to call her his "girlfriend" jokingly (though inside I really didn't like her). She would be friendly and smile and talk to me every time I would see her though, so I just tried to brush it off as paranoia. This went on the entire time he was a server (a few months). When he became a bartender, I really didn't see her as much because he mostly works the morning shift.

About a month ago my step dad said that he wanted to take a trip to the beach in his rv because he was trying to sell it. My boyfriend had to work that night, so he was unable to go with us. I texted him about 2 am to tell him that I loved him and that I had a hard time sleeping without him by my side... and of course he said the same back to me. We got home the next day and every thing was fine. Well a few days later I am upstairs in our apartment while him and my son were downstairs watching TV. His phone is upstairs and it vibrates so naturally I look at it. It was a text from redbox for a free movie. No big deal. Something in my gut told me to look through the rest of the messages in his inbox. Nothing there but texts from me. Then I decide to look through the sent box and this is some of what i came across:
"i'm drunk and want to get my f on"
"oh yeah, that's what you'll be saying later"
"because after i'm done with that p***y i'm gonna tear up that a*s"
"i'm horny and waiting on you"
"ok well nevermind. goodnight"
These were all texts to that girl he works with. Intermingled with texts about how he loves me... needless to say, I was LIVID!! I went downstairs and threw his phone at his head and started screaming at him. It took a minute for me to realize we needed to take this upstairs away from little ears. She ended up not coming over, but the fact that he tried to plan it destroyed me. Unfortunately he was scheduled to work that day and we didn't have that long to hash everything out. I told him to leave his phone with me because I wanted to talk to HER and see if they had done anything before. He said they never had done anything besides the occasional hug at work. I asked him how long this had been going on and he said they had been flirty for a few months and he should have stopped it. He said that he honestly doesn't feel the same connection between sex and relationships that I do. I spoke to her (complete coward) over the phone that day and she swore they never did anything and never hung out besides at work. I made it quite clear to her that my man was off limits. Oh, and by the way, she has a boyfriend that she lives with. She said she honestly doesn't feel they did anything wrong "they were just text messages" according to her. I asked how her man would feel about them and she said he wouldn't care. I know that isn't true! I also told her that if she so much as looked at him the wrong way EVER again I would make her life a living hell (I'm a stay at home mom... I have nothing but time). She has 2 jobs that I know of and I know where both of them are.

Basically we discussed everything and I told him that he can talk to me about ANYTHING! He told me that for some unknown reason he REALLY likes anal. So I explained to him that relationships are all about compromise and communication. If he was willing to let me in and communicate any fears, desires, fantasies, ect, that we would work out a compromise if it wasn't something that I was into. So I have been working on it, but it may never be all that he wants. I truly feel that he is the 1 for me. I love him more than I have any other man. He knows how badly he broke my heart and that it will take a long time to mend. He has expressed his regret and how bad he feels for causing me pain. I just don't know what to do. I should have known that things were too perfect to be true between us... I really want to forgive him, but it's so hard... especially because they still work together. I have a hard time letting things go and can be quite vindictive. It has taken everything I have not to find out her last name and ruin her relationship with her man... mess up her life like she did mine.

The messed up thing is that I had been feeling nauseous in the morning for a few weeks before any of this happened. I continued to get this feeling up until a week ago. I worried that I was pregnant, so I had him buy me a pregnancy test. Negative, thank you jeebus!! But I'm pretty sure it was just intuition TRYING to tell me something was wrong. I just refused to believe without the proof.

I have always looked at his browser history out of curiosity. He looks at a lot of anal porn, passed out girls having sex, and chubby anal porn... should I worry about this? Should I confront him about the things he looks at on the internet? He gets sex from me ANY time he wants... I have NEVER told him no. I'm worried that he may have a problem... maybe a sex addiction. How do you know? How do I know he won't try to cheat on me again and actually go through with it? I'm almost 28 years old, I'd like to think I'm past the naive stage in my life. I believe he loves me and wants to make this work... but I'm scared.

Sorry if this is kind of all over the place or a little too long. I have a weird thought process lol. Any advise would be appreciated!!
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replied May 13th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
You know how in the days leading up to a woman's menstruation the hormones and chemicals swilling around in there can be mood-changing. Lots of women experience little or no effects but sometimes these chemicals can be character-changing and turn a little angel into a serial kleptomaniac or mad axe murderer...

Not only do lots of guys have a similar thing going on, they also have a number of different values and different thought processes...

A guy gets used to getting sex or masturbating in a time frequency (that varies from man-to-man, his age and depends on individual circumstances) and it can seem, to him, as necessary as food.
The sex-urge in a man is like a lactating mother - as long as the demand is there, the milk will be available. If the demand is removed the milk will stop - but not straight away; there can be a very uncomfortable time lag... If demand is increased more milk (within reason) will be produced - again there is a time lag...

Some guys can't go without for more than a few hours before that uncomfortable time-lag situation begins to bite - the guy's balls begin to be sensitive and feel enlarged (even though they aren't), later his skin gets so sensitive he can feel his clothes and often a slight headache appears...
The psycological change that takes place is also interesting - women who the guy would usually find unattractive begin to look better and better...
Mother nature does her best to force breeding under any circumstances!

Not all men suffer in the same way or to the same degree and interestingly they rarely think about this or compare notes with other men - two of my friends, when I talked with them about this, also suffered in this way but kept silent as they felt there was something almost perverted wrong with them...

This is one aspect of the male physiology - like some women who suffer from serious pms this chemical overload can be character changing in some cases and has resulted in rapes and equally unpleasant stuff!

Then there is the male psyche - few men are naturally monogomous and many men are still the hunter/gatherer types who want to explore new country and scatter their seed over the next hill...

A lot of men do separate (sub-consciously) sexual activity from their emotional relationships because the sex act for them is physical and necessary (like food) and not an expression of emotional love. A lot of guys are completely baffled by the concept of sexual fidelity (for men) and the female reaction to infidelity is something that really has them confused...

Then you have the lack of maturity men suffer from - they can remain child-like in thought and deed for many years after girls have grown into women. I was 41 before adulthood began - some men never mature!

A lot of women know there are worse things to happen to a relationship than an occasional sexual adventure and if the man doesn't humiliate his partner in any way, is discrete and she isn't in any way deprived she isn't going to make an issue of it unnecessarily - as long as it isn't brought officially to her attention she can turn a blind eye...
They are also wise enough to know few men, especially young men, can resist that which is offered "on a plate" because they know the fellow's brain, at times like that, will be down there keeping his balls company...

It is hard work for a woman to prevent her man from straying - traditionally it is done by, once she has captured him, giving him as much sex as he can handle while making him fat and unfit - soon he will not wish to stray, become unattractive to other women or no longer able to stray...

While I have described a little of a typical man, there are lots who value (at any age or maturity) a good relationship, who wouldn't dream of having sex with a woman they did't love and who really do see sex as an expression of that love. Most of the remainder of men take many years to discover this...

There is yet another issue at work here - pornography! Overdoing the porno can be damaging - lots of guys and women begin to believe it is real and feel dissatisfied if their own sex lives don't match what they see on the screen. It is a fact many of the porn actresses (and actors) don't like anal sex - they do it for money and some of them need that money to pay for the corrective surgery later...
Porn is made by unscrupulous people in order to make lots of money and is not very often related to real sexual relationships - it usually based around plots involving casual sex and has nothing to teach anyone about real life! The actors in it are paid to look as though they are enjoying it!

As an occasional extra titillation to real life porn is fine but when somebody is drawn by habit or addiction to porn websites it is a recipe for trouble especially if masturbation takes place - masturbating to porn as well as having a healthy sex life is just likely to increase his libido when he should be trying to match his libido with your own...

As for anal sex: it is something nice to do sometimes for a change if you are both in the mood and it definitely shouldn't be conducted like a porn film - lots of patience, lots of lube worked right in with a finger or two first and take it nice and slow, shifting positions until you find the right one...

Be careful if he is well-endowed and careful also of the position used as anal sex traditionally has a lot to do with men doing things to women rather than men and women doing things with each other...

I hope this has given you food for thought...
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replied May 13th, 2012
thank you so much for your reply!

I personally find myself rather unlike most other women as far as sex is concerned. I have a very high sex drive and like I said above, I have NEVER told him no! I try my hardest to keep my man satisfied. As far as the anal, that's what we have been doing... taking it slow. I warned him (because he IS well-endowed) that we may never be able to have anal sex because everything else we have tried so far just feels uncomfortable and unnatural to me. I feel I should at least get some credit for experimenting in that area. I will continue to TRY but it is all just to keep him happy because I know he enjoys it.
And for the pornography... He doesn't watch it often, it's just the TYPE of porn that he watches that bothers me a little... is this the kind of thing he is into?

I could definitely NEVER be one of those women who turns a blind eye to infidelity. I just feel that I deserve someone who can remain faithful to me and me only. ESPECIALLY because I am willing to do almost anything to make my man happy and keep him satisfied. He says that he can do that and that he wants to marry and have children with me. He told me that he felt like a little kid testing boundaries trying to see what he could get away with. That doesn't surprise me, but I personally hate games in relationships and I feel "testing boundaries" is very "game-ish". I'm just scared that because he tried it once he may try it again.
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