i started smoking marijuana about 5 or 6 years ago, i up until about a year ago i controlled my addiction and it was fine the only mental problems i noticed were, calling people by someone elses name and forgetting worse, like its on the tip of my tongue and after a few minutes the word would finally come to me. this time last year i had to move out of the family home as it was being sold (a situation i wasn't happy about but thats another story). in the past i spoke to my GP about anxiety disorders she said it should be nothing to worry about and i carried on with my life as normal, but these days i'm findin it harder and harder to cope with being inside my head. i have in the past harmed myself i used to cut myself on my knees as no one ever saw that part of me this stopped 5 or 6 years ago. i've always been the kind of person who enjoys their own company as a child right up through til this year where the idea of being alone fills me with fear that i am forever going to be alone. i have overwhelming feelings of fear in the past month alone i've had two panic attacks. i don't know whats happening to me, i've developed a fear of midgets, dwarves any kind of little or miniature person, i fear that i'm going crazy loosing my mind completely, i'm paranoid about everything, i hate myself soo much i stopped eating, only havin the bare necessities to keep me alive. i have issues with my cousin i often have dreams in which i am killin her these dreams terrify me. i honestly think i have some kind of personality disorder as i often feel as though i'm two peple inside one person i can be happy as larry some days but other days i just feel completely awful and don't want to do anything but lay in bed crying for the day, i have recently self harmed i took a curling wand heated it up and burnt myself with it, i'm really worried about myself and the doctors at my local surgery keep saying they'd prefer i saw a counsillor instead of giving me some meds but i can't help but feel talking about things will be like opening pandora's box and i'm terrified i wont be able to deal with what comes out. i realise this must sounds as though i'm just a pothead with some issues but i've had alot of these issues most of life i just dealt with them better now things are getting worse and i really need help.