Family Relationships Forum - Half-Sister from Dad's secret situation

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Q: Half-Sister from Dad's secret situation

asked by: WoodsyAl on August 18th, 2009

New User

Now, 40, I was 16 when a work associate of my father's gave birth to what is my half sister. Apparently my father and the woman were the only two who knew who the real father was - until I was looking at pictures about six years ago and noticed that, not only did my father have tons of pictures of this kid, but, yes, she did look exactly like him. I confronted him about it and he finally fessed up to it after some initial denial.

No one would have thought to question it before, because the woman was happily married and still is. We also would go out to eat with their family. She was an only child, which leads me to believe/think/theorize that the woman tried to have kids with her husband, couldn't, so picked someone she liked to father her child. I'm hoping that theory is correct. And apparently the girl (my half sister) doesn't know. The only one who knows the whole story about who knows, how it happend, why, etc., is her mother.

I recently saw my half-sister for the first time in about 15 years - since I took my father to her wedding. My own wife has been saying I should speak to my half-sister's mother to find out what's going on. And my wife suggested that if my half-sister didn't know, that she didn't need to know who her real father is.

I have my own reasons for wanting a relationship with my half-sister - a) she's my sister, b) if she has chidren, they will be my neices/nephews, which I don't have, c) my children will have cousins, etc.

I also have reasons not to have a relationship with her: a) she's 24 already, I'm 40 - a lot of time has passed, b) it might blow her mind or ruin her mental state, even if she is a level-headed person, c) she has a loving family she grew up with as her family, and her father probably doesn't know he's not her real father; so it could tear her family apart, since there would be recriminations, dishonesty to deal with, d) she might resent the news or offers of other family relations, e) she might sue my father for back-child support/inheritance, etc., and f) if she doesn't know, it will be a complete shock to her and maybe it's better she doesn't know.

It's a touchy situation all around, but in the end, she is my sister. My full brother and full sister - both older than me, have mixed feelings; my full sister wants no relationship with her half-sister, while my full brother is wait and see.

Any advice? Is there a logical step here to deal with this? Has anyone dealt with such an issue before?

Replies(6)

lizzy_09

replied on August 19th, 2009

Experienced User

I would go with your brother and wait and see. My younger sister is of the same case. She has a son which my older sister adopted as her own since my younger sister couldn't support the child at that time since she was fresh out of high school. The boy is in college right now and believes that his mother is my older sister. My younger sister wants him back but because she feels indebted to my older sister, she can't do anything about it. She is married now and her husband is aware of the boy and accepts him, even the children of my younger sister. She told me that if the boy ever found out later on, she will tell him the truth as to the case why he ended up staying with our older sister.

WoodsyAl

replied on August 19th, 2009

New User

Thanks for sharing your story and suggestion.

Your story is interesting, in that it is inter-family, so the chances of coming to terms amicably - with the people already knowing each other - seems better. How come it wasn't revealed before he got to college age? I guess it's easier to stay with the already established roles of mother/aunt than reveal the flipped reality of it, and more complicated than it might seem on the surface.

In my case, it's more complicated as it involves two separate families.

I've decided to take a wait and see, as you and my brother've suggested.

MyrahU

replied on August 19th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

You could also keep the lines of communication open as family friends. You and your father went to her wedding, so maybe you could send her letters, emails, or even just Christmas cards with pictures of your family. She doesn't have to know your relation to have a relationship with her. It may be difficult, but not impossible.

WoodsyAl

replied on August 19th, 2009

New User

Thanks Myrah, that is a good idea. At least as family friends I'll know of her whereabouts and how she is doing, if not directly. I haven't had a lot of contact with her even as a family friend because of the age difference, and I went away to school and live just when she was in elementary school. We both have roots in the same hometown, so there is still that in common, even if our families aren't in as constant contact as in the past, there is still contact. So, personally, there isn't much basis for contact between myself and her, maybe Christmas card kind of basis if any in the future. There is a large gap between being a long-lost brother and being an overinterested family friend. One of my daughters looks a LOT like my half-sister - and if she ever saw or met her, she might say, 'oh, my gawd, that's me!!'; she hasn't met any of my children yet. There is room to grow or not. In the end, I just want what is best for my sister, and if that includes not knowing who her real father is and not knowing my family and myriad blood relatives on this side, maybe it's for the best. I only have to wonder what if: what would she want if she ultimately knew the truth. But is the truth more important than what reality someone has always known? That is not for me to answer. There is the conundrum. My wife is an only child, and she said that she would welcome the revelation of siblings anyhow anywhere (but she comes from a broken home; my half-sister comes from a happy home).

lizzy_09

replied on August 20th, 2009

Experienced User

WoodsyAl wrote:

How come it wasn't revealed before he got to college age?

Because my older sister have very traditional values and would not tell the boy about it like all our older sisters, so me and my younger sister have to follow. Though my younger sister would often tell me that she feels saddened about it cause she loves her son and wouldn't want him to think that she gave him up because she wanted to, but because it was decided by the family. Our dad freaked out when he found out our younger sister got pregnant. We knew our father's temper, that's why my older sister took the child as her own. And we were both just starting college, it was so sudden that well, when it's a family issue, if the majority would decide that, then we just follow.

MyrahU

replied on August 20th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

I can see your wife's point. I am also an only child and would like to know if I had any long lost brothers or sisters out there, but probably not at the expense of knowing that my dad isn't my real dad. I think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie (no pun intended) and let your sister be content with the life she has.

The only exception I can see is if she gets sick and needs some kind of transplant. Then it would be okay to talk to her mother. But until then, let things play out.

Good luck.

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