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Going Toe To Toe With Life... And Losing

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Hi. I don't really know where to start here, but here goes.

I'm 24 years old, and I don't want to go on. Things were great until I got out of high school, then it just gradually fell into a downward spiral. My closest friends moved away, had families, etc. Now I never see them anymore. It was hard to take but I got over it.

A few years later in '09, I was laid off from my job working in an automotive components factory. I had moved out and was living by myself in an apartment, so I had to pack my things and move back home, as I couldn't afford to pay the rent with unemployment compensation. I live in a very rural area, and jobs that pay enough to really support you are hard to come by.

During my time of being unemployed, my girlfriend of 5 and a half years left me. I was devastated. She was my absolute everything, even more so at that rough time in my life.

Then I lost my band when one member moved away and another went to work on another project. We only played little bars and clubs and such, made just enough money to cover the gas to get there and back, but I have a passion for music. It was a release for me. All my problems disappeared when I was on stage. I've barely even touched my guitar since.

So I've spent the last year or two desperately trying to meet someone new, find a new band or replacement members, and drinking myself stupid. Unfortunately I can't even enjoy the latter anymore, as it's taken a toll on me. Now every time I drink I feel like death for a week afterwards, had to go to the E.R. two weeks ago. Nothing's panned out. Between online and real life dating scenarios, I've been rejected 50+ times. I know how I look, I'd give myself a 6 or a 7 so I go after women that are on the same level as me. Just doesn't matter.

So here I am. 24 years old. Alone. No friends. Living in my parents' basement. Does it get any worse? I did get a job in January though. Back at the same place I got laid off from, only I'm making half the money I used to because now I'm just a temp worker, and I will be laid off again later this month or later in the summer. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to crash my car on the way to work so I would get a little break from life while I'm laid up in the hospital. The only slight source of joy I have left anymore is playing stupid video games online when I get home. Most of the time I don't even find that fun anymore.

I could never hurt myself. I'm too chicken, and my parents and few friends I do have don't deserve the emotional burden it would put them through. But I'm completely defeated. It seems my happiest times are behind me. Had my own place, plenty of money, the perfect girl, friends, everything. And just like that, all stripped away, one by one. No matter how hard I try to get something going, I always get knocked further down. I can't go on living this lonely, empty life anymore. I don't want to get up and face life anymore. I'm going to break eventually. I don't know what to do or what I did to deserve this.
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First Helper cobain87
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